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Footloose version 2011 Pieces of Eight

Posted by Miserable Retail Slave on June 23, 2011 at 10:33 PM

by RFP


Welcome to Pieces of Hate Eight: 


Eight numbered natterings, outrageous opines, and hypothetical hilarities about one specific pop culture target. 

Today's bullseye: "Footloose" - version 2011




1. 'Footloose' is a dated '80s relic with an A+ soundtrack and C- premise. To watch 'Footloose' is to follow the story of Ren McCormick (Kevin Bacon) as he rages against the leadership in the small town of Bomont, a regime spearheaded by the influential Reverend Moore (John Lithgow), a man whose influence successfully swayed the town into abolishing rock music and dancing of any kind.

Woe be to those who have an extra hitch in their step, a little flourish with their arms when they move. 

This does not sit well with Ren because he just wants to dance, man. His limbs want to flail about in the air, his body wants to quiver and shake in rhythm with some boss rock n' roll tunes. 




2. Honestly, I'm surprised that 'Footloose' wasn't taken out of the trash bin of forgotten pop culture sooner. '80s nostalgia and Hollywood remakes have become an important part of today's box office numbers. Because, y'know, original ideas and concepts are less marketable than an established "brand name", even one as antiquated as 'Footloose.'


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3. The "Redemption Through Dance" genre of films has also become quite popular in recent years. Drawing wide-eyed teen girls and middle-aged housewives to the theaters through the use of the "hot" (insert an extra "t" if you're under the age of 17) leading man. His character can usually be described as the stereotypical bad boy -the coarse street tough with the clenched teeth, intense eyes, and washboard abs -that can only begin to show his emotions through the art of interpretive dance. Recent examples include: 'Step-Up' (1 - 3D); 'Stomp the Yard' (2007); Save the Last Dance (2001); Take the Lead (2006); 'You Got Served' (2004); 'Honey' (2000); Roll Bounce (2005); Dirty Dancing: Havana Nights (2004)



4. Based only on the trailer, I can deduce that: a) Julianne Hough, the female lead, is absolutely adorable and needs to break-up with that muppet-faced marionette, Ryan Seacrest and give me a call and b) the rationale behind the dance-ban in Bomont is flimsy at best. Three teens are killed in a crash coming home from a dance. So dancing is banned. Suppose a man was hit by a car after grabbing a Big Mac....would all McDonald's in the area be permanently shut down?





5. At some point during the film, Kevin Bacon will probably make a wry, knowing cameo. And the audience will laugh and nudge each other as Mr. Bacon makes a self-referential one-liner - A figurative wink at the fact that this man was Ren McCormick in an alternate universe.




6. "Footloose" (the song) as performed by Kenny Loggins will play during the movie at some point. Probably during the climatic dance sequence. However, it would not surprise me if the song is covered by a modern, more "relevant" artist as well. I could see the Black-Eyed Peas modernizing "Footloose", adding in blips, abundant autotune, nonsensical tempo changes and illiterate rap interludes. Oh, and how could I forget, a verse or two of Fergie howling her way through the lyrics. Basically, the same thing they did to Bill Medley and Jennifer Warnes' theme song from 'Dirty Dancing', "(I've Had) The Time of My Life". 

So, yeah, "Footloose (Dirty Bit)" coming atcha.


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7I get that dancing is banned in the town. That extends to bars and schools and any other social settings where random body movements are wont to occur. 

But what happens if you want to unwind from a long day at work by popping "Just Dance" into your Wii home entertainment system and, forgetfully, you leave the curtains open. Just so happens, as your poppin' and lockin' to "U Can't Touch This", the local law enforcement officials 

I'm sure the town officials would view an item titled "Just Dance" as a powerful piece of communist propaganda designed to get individuals to, gasp, dance. The offending person with the aforementioned inciting material would probably be sentenced to death-by-lethal-injection.


8. I hope they know what they've done. The floodgates are now open. By scraping up the dredge from the bottom of the '80s nostalgia barrel, more unworthy reboots, remakes, reimaginings will be coming our way. It's only a matter of time before someone thinks this is a brilliant idea and the world implodes from the horrific horrible horror that is Mannequin 2012. The Mayans knew it was gonna happen.




~RFP


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2 Comments

Reply Jen F
10:36 AM on June 24, 2011 
I LOVE the original Footloose and it pisses me off that they're remaking it.
Reply Steven Millan
6:05 PM on September 7, 2011 
I fully agree with everything said here about this upcoming remake,for why ?! Why ?!