Miserable Retail Slave

Country Girls/Guys – And Why I’m Running in the Opposite Direction

by Josh

Every one of us (more or less) have faced some kind of heartbreak in our lives. Even us here at MRS; I’d like to think me and my brethren (Paulie, RFP, can I get a witness?) have become seasoned vets as far as getting burned. And as a single guy myself, I’m constantly weighing options in the game of love like Gerry Kasparov or Bobby Fischer when it comes to making moves. Who do I talk to, where do I go, how do I present myself?

Most girls I talk to, however, imply that it takes a certain type of impulse in order to succeed.

And by now you might be wondering how this article fits in the MRS world; this is a blog about movies and shows and music, not your own drama!

In that case, let me introduce you to my little friends Carrie Underwood and Jaron & The Long Road To Love.

We get two glimpses of how “real Americans” and “real country people” handle heartbreak in contemporary America with these songs:

Artist: Carrie Underwood

Song: Before He Cheats

Carrie Underwood: If I knew someone personally who was dating Ms. Underwood, I’d tell him to get the hell out of there before she talks with her friends about gossip. This woman will straight-up wreck your vehicle, slash holes in the tires (as opposed to stabbing or puncturing), carve her name in the seats, smash the glass fixtures…for the sake of argument, and because of the fame this woman boasts, let’s use her as the case study for girls.

…I imagine Underwood to be watching Mad Max 3 and getting inspiration from Tina Turner in a post-apocalyptic world as the men are drinking beer and playing bathroom polo in the roadhouse nearby.

Artist: Jaron & the Long Road to Love

Song: Pray For You

Jaron: This guy is actually pretty passive-aggressive with his angst. At first glance, he’s a regular Christian man who hasn’t been to church since God knows when (see what I did there?), and instead of doing something drastic, he’s praying to God. But he’s pretty ballsy with his statements: he’s actually asking God to commit to a series of “unfortunate” incidents to his ex in an attempt to make him feel better. While I assume that he feels better about this decision, I’d wager that he’s playing with death on this. Summoning God to smite one girl that jilted you or hurt you? I’d say that this is a representative for a case study of the boys.

So we have vandalism versus karma.

Let me underline all this by saying that I in no way think these songs are good, or for that matter, comedic. Nothing is funny about someone’s tire blowing out at 110mph or vandalizing an expensive vehicle (what is it with these people and vehicles…?). But it kinda makes you think before you decide to hit the rural areas for the ladies/men. I think that, depending on what gets vandalized, felonies are brought into consideration. Not to mention SHE CARVED HER NAME IN THE SEAT. No lawyer in the world would take that case, especially after a song is written about it. Also, trying to use the Lord for bad can backfire pretty harshly (if you indeed believe in God, all you skeptics out there).

As for me, after listening to country radio for the first time in literally years and hearing these songs, I think I’ll space it out another 7-8-odd years before I tune in again. I’ll certainly avoid the bars for awhile, too. If “real Americans” are listening to this garbage and internalizing these messages, I’m probably gonna wake up to a ransacked house if I don’t return a phone call.

~Josh