Miserable Retail Slave

by Paulie Walnuts

I knew it would happen. It was only a matter of time before I created a Twitter account. No matter how much I scoffed at the idea, or made fun of the few friends I have who run their own Twitters, the inevitable fact remained that someday I too would be part of the insatiable and irresistible Twitter community.

You see, I’m what you call a hypocritical conformist. I make fun of things for a while until peer pressure and popularity suck me in. A few years ago it was Myspace. Then, Youtube. Then, Facebook. Now I, like millions of others, am a Twit.

I follow various celebrities that I love, such as my favorite actors and athletes. I also follow various celebrities that I really don’t care about, such as Chad Ochocinco and Phil Hellmuth, if for no other reason than their perpetual stupidity makes me laugh. Mostly, though, I created a Twitter so I could follow sportswriters and journalists. Beerwad and I, for years, have enjoyed sharing sports news with one another, but we’ve always taken pride in being first. Just as I hate his guts when he spews forth sports knowledge or the latest news before I learn it, he hates mine when the roles are reversed.

We’ve been competing at virtually everything for nearly 15 years. So, here’s my special message to Beerwad: I started my Twitter first. Boo-ya.

There are a few reasons not to be a Twit, however. For instance, the 140 character limit is far too restrictive. It’s not only annoying when I can’t share my full message, but it advocates illiteracy. Take for example Shaquille O’Neal’s recent post in which he was forced to spell “hoops,” “h-o-p-z.” I’m not sure what he was doing with that “z” in there, or why he felt it was more important than the other “o.” Seriously. If he had said “I’m going to shoot hoop…” it would have been far better and less irritating for anal retentive grammar-nazis such as myself.

Another reason is it can get you into trouble. This, of course, is true of all social-networking sites. Take for example the boob who wanted to prove a point about journalism. Mike Wise, of course, was correct when he claimed that other journalists are easily swayed by misinformation or blatantly false information, and that these various journalists are quick to run stories based solely upon the Tweets of others. However, by running a completely false and tasteless Tweet that Ben Roethlisberger would be suspended by the NFL for five games - and, ironically, successfully proving his point in the process - Mike Wise has put his career in jeopardy.

Don’t do that, kids. I mean, is it really worth it?

I guess he’s not “Wise” at all.

Hey, that’s a good one. Excuse me while I Tweet it. Hopefully I’ll get a few “lols” out of it.

Join up, everyone! Follow me! Ride with me on the fast-track to illiteracy!

http://twitter.com/lividsquid316

-P. Walnuts

See Beerwad's take on Twitter from the archives here.