4 - Miserable Retail Slave

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4

Posted by Miserable Retail Slave on August 18, 2010 at 10:25 PM

by RFP

After six months of speculation, Brett Favre officially decided to return to the NFL for a 20th season today, a decision that 99.8% of football fans had already thought was imminent about mid-way through last season.

Prepare for another full season of Favre shilling Wrangler jeans during commercial breaks, John Madden falling in love all over again, Frank Caliendo making a lot of money imitating John Madden falling in love with Favre all over again, and lots of football analysts liberally using the term "gunslinger" in reference to #4.

In celebration of the fact that the sporting world no longer has to endure the painful process of the Minnesota Vikings courting Brett Favre, lets play word association. Things related to or involving the word "four" and all its various spellings.

What a Golfer Shouts:

Or, specifically, what Tiger Woods should have yelled right before he bounced a golf ball off that dude's face. Not making any friends, Tiger.

Foreshadowing

All this ankle talk. Write this down. At some point during this season, Brett Favre's allegedly gimpy ankle will become a story. My guess is the playoffs. He'll get hit real hard and immediately start limping around. This hit will ideally occur with the Vikings down by a score with a minute left in the game. Favre will then drive his team down the field on one leg, throwing the winning TD with seconds to spare. What a story that will be. And it will happen. After it does, watch as many sporting shows as you can to see how many times they refer to Favre's performance as "gritty".

Maybe he'll even have a bloody sock.

Four

The number of movies that made more money than Scott Pilgrim vs. the World last weekend. It's a shame because this is one of the most imaginative films you'll see all year.

But it's also the type of movie that's going to become a cult classic and live on for countless years in ways that most movies don't.

My guess is the more unimaginative section of America saw the trailers for it and instantly rejected the video game universe that Pilgrim exists in and stayed away.

The best part is that the people who instantly dub this film "stupid" are the same people who flock to see Transformers. Watch both movies back to back and tell me which one is stupid and unrealistic.

Scott Pilgrim has defeat his girlfriend's 7 angry ex's in order to date her, but isn't that what everyone has to do? Everyone has to deal with the accumulated baggage of anyone they date. In Scott Pilgrim's world, this baggage takes a physical form.

Beneath all the special effects and video game references is a movie about a young man growing up.

Fortitude (as in mental fortitude)

Adrian Peterson, arguably the best running back in football, attributes a lack of mental focus to the 7 fumbles he had last year. He had 2 in the NFC championship game. And a botched handoff attributed to Favre. Yet all anyone can remember is the interception that Favre threw at the end of the game. He didn't blow a trip to the Super Bowl by himself.

Rocky IV

The one where Rocky fights Ivan Drago (Dolph Lundgren). The one-time Master of the Universe is one of the badasses in The Expendables. I don't know where he is been or what he's been doing, but, man, does he look like shit.

Anyways, in a bit where Sylvester Stallone answered reader's questions on AICN, Stallone revealed what he thought happened to Rocky's opponents after each movie. I will leave you with Sly's thoughts on the matter:

"In the last ROCKY I had written an elaborate storyline for Mr. T (AKA Clubber Lang,) which was reminiscent of George Foreman, who became a ringside analyst. In the script he was doing blow-by-blow commentary and also talking about his new profession of being an evangelist in the making. I thought it was wonderful because he was describing what it was like to fight Rocky Balboa while Rocky was fighting someone else. Unfortunately we couldn’t meet the actor’s financial requirements because we didn’t have enough money to buy fax paper, so I replaced him with HBO commentator Max Kellerman.

Ivan Drago I always believed went back to Russia where he was scorned and badgered into a position of disgrace and eventually succumbed to alcoholism and unfortunately then suicide.

As for Tommy Gunn, he was exposed as being a project that would never be fully developed as a man and also succumbed to a life of a mediocre fighter barn storming around the country and eventually transforming himself into Tommy ‘Boom Boom’ Gunn, second rate wrestler performing exclusively in the Midwest in third rate venues."

Categories: RFP, It's Brett Favre's Universe..., sports