Miserable Retail Slave

(originally posted July 6, 2009)

by Beerwad

These are hard times in America. Times like these call for acts of heroism. Americans need a larger than life hero to emerge, someone to make us all believe in ourselves again.

Our enemies sit in caves and missle silos, poised to strike. They're waiting for just the right moment to strike. They're waiting for our mighty empire to crumble. And that moment seemed oh-so close.

Saturday, at the corner of Surf and Stillwell in Coney Island, New York, a resounding message was sent to those who would attempt to snatch our freedom. a great patriot stood tall and said proudly, “not on my watch!”

You see, on that very corner 93 years earlier, four men were disputing who was the most patriotic. Naturally, a hot dog eating contest was the only way to settle this.

Neer Sehgal ate 13 Nathan’s Famous Original hot dogs that day. And they’ve been holding a hot dog eating contest there every fourth of July ever since.This was an event dominated by Americans until Axis power Japan reared their ugly heads. They emerged from their underground hot dog eating training facility to take the title nine times in ten years between 1997 and 2006, including six consecutive titles from the unstoppable Takeru “Tsunami” Kobayashi. They boastfully hung the championship belt at the imperial palace as a sign of distain for America and our freedom.

This blow to America took its toll on the country’s morale. In time, people lost their will to go to work. Factories closed and businesses folded. The economy was in free fall. There seemed to be no end in sight to our country’s free fall.

From the rubble emerged Joey Chestnut.

In 2007, he returned the title to America. He did it again in 2008. And Saturday he did it again. He thwarted Kobayashi’s best efforts all three years. Kobayashi ate 64 1/2 hot dogs yesterday, five and a half more than Chestnut ate last year. But he was no match for Chestnut, who consumed a whopping 68 hot dogs and buns in 10 minutes.   

The Japanese have been sent away with their tails tucked between their legs. Freedom is safe for another year. And no doubt the country will use this as a springboard for a resounding economic recovery. This definately puts Chestnut in rare company as far as patriots go.

1. “Hacksaw” Jim Duggan

2. Joey Chestnut

3. Linda Carter

4. George W. Bush

5. Tom Brady

So in case they missed it, our message to the Osama Bin Ladens and Kim Jong Ills of the world is this: you don’t fuck with Joey Chestnut and you sure as shit don’t fuck with America!