Miserable Retail Slave

(originally posted on July 13, 2009)

by Beerwad

Twitter is a service for friends, family, and co-workers to communicate and stay connected through the exchange of quick, frequent answers to one simple question:what are you doing?

That is what you will read if you go to twitter.com, the fastest growing networking site on the web. This is a website that allows fans of athletes, actors, and others more access to their lives than should be allowable by law. for decades celebrities have been whining about their lack of privacy, and now many of them now tell their fans every time they drop a deuce.

These little status updates are known as "tweets". This makes no sense. Just as a bowler bowls, a beaver beaves, a twitter must twitt.

These online stalkers that subscribe to twitter are known as "followers". I think anybody that interested in what a stranger is doing at every waking moment should be called "virgins". This whole thing is very disturbing to me. It's like a remote control on a car stereo. It's another symptom of a sick, lazy society. Now you don't even have to leave your house to play peeping tom and touch yourself.

The most "followed" member of twitter is ashton kutcher. who the hell is that interested in Ashton Kutcher? Do you really want to know that he "just laid the pipe" with pre-historic g.f. Demi Moore. Personally, I'd rather pork my garbage disposal.

There has even been incidences of professional athletes doing "twitts" during games. Here is a post from nba forward Charlie Villanueva on march 15. "in da locker room, snuck to post my twitt. we're playing da celtics, tie ball game at the half. coach wants more toughness. i gotta step up."

No Charlie, I gotta step up! I gotta send out a big what the fuck?! If these "follower's" heads weren't so far up somebody elses ass, I'd swear they were stuck in their own.