For the Hat Trick, we reach into a hat and pull out a movie that we are forced to watch and review. Why? Well, why not? I reached into the hat and this is what I got....
"I want to touch her where she pees"
starring Alexis Bledel, Scott Porter, Bryan Greenberg, Andrew McCarthy (all star cast!)
Remember those short stories you wrote when you were 16?
If you never tried to write a short story when you were 16, do you remember when that kid you used to know wrote a short story and made you read it?
The Good Guy is what happens when someone takes the short story that they wrote when they were 16 and turn it into a screenplay and eventually a barely released indie romance film starring a former Gilmore Girl.
Your setting is a brokerage firm on Wall Street or maybe somewhere left of Wall Street to avoid confusion with a much better movie dealing with a stock brokerage firm. In this firm, most of the key players have Top Gun style nicknames like Shakerspeare, Steve-O, and Cash.
Andrew McCarthy plays Cash, the head of this particular firm. The Good Guy is what happens to former Brat Packers whose careers peak in 1987. For the two of you who are wondering, I believe McCarthy's career fell off drastically after Mannequin. You can't get any better than Mannequin.
Anyways, McCarthy's Cash has a penis for a brain (or brain in his penis? eh?), so that everything that leaves his mouth is either precluded by a variation of "fuck" or is dripping with not-so-subtle sexual innuendo. Example: "That guy couldn't sell vagina on a pirate ship. Daniel is a lovely fella. He's about as much fun as chlamydia."
That's the level of quality we're dealing with here.
The narrator is Tommy Fielding (Scott Porter), the hotshot head seller at the firm, who has everything in life, including deep thoughts such as: "If you thought Wall Street was full of bullshitters, you should try having a relationship here" followed by the ever-popular, perpetually cliched "love is a warzone" metaphor. If you're Pat Benetar, you'll disagree and believe that love is a battlefield, but to each his/her own.
He's mostly referring to his main girlfriend, Beth (that Gilmore girl, Alexis Bledel), and the several other relationships he has scattered throughout the city, but that's definitely a "twist" that I completely ruined for you, but that you should see coming from the start if you are a sane, coherent human being.
Tommy has to mentor Daniel, a shy broker in the firm, after one of the top sellers there takes a better paying job. Daniel's standard is a joke which goes: "What do you call a fish with two knees? A two knee fish." He's what your parents and Huey Lewis would call a square. So am I, since I just made a Huey Lewis reference.
In a wacky twist o' fate, Daniel sees Beth in a bookstore while on the phone with Tommy. Tommy says to go make a move on the cute girl in the bookstore, not knowing he's advising his boy to mack on his lady. UH-OH!
In order to further groom his protege, Tommy continues to blow off Beth when she wants to hang out and chat, all the while giving Daniel advice on how to woo the mysterious book store girl. UH-OH!
In another inspired scene reminiscent of the almost iconic scene from The 40 year Old Virgin where Steve Carell has his chest waxed and yells "Kelly Clarkson," Beth and her friends chat about life and relationships while getting their vaginas waxed. One of her friends blurts out "Oh bitch fucker!" Humor.
At any rate, Daniel finds out that Tommy and Beth are dating at their company party and ends up being the only male in Beth's book club.
You can probably connect the dots here as to how this one ends. All I can say is that the ending to The Good Guy is the most sickeningly sappy happy ending that I have ever seen.
The Final Word: "Personally, I don't think there's anything wrong with bulimia at all" - Shakespeare, a black broker with a faux English accent, trying to pick up a girl at the bar
My rating for The Good Guy: I reached into the hat to pull out a rabbit and pulled out the steaming, rotting remains of Andrew McCarthy's career instead.
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