The Hat Trick, vol. 1: Deep Blue Sea

Posted by Miserable Retail Slave on January 25, 2012 at 2:35 PM
by RFP

Last night on Twitter, Amanda, better known on this site as Ro-Ads, got ahold of me and said that we should jump start this venerable website again. She thought we start out by putting a bunch of movies in a hat, randomly grab one out, then watch and review whatever movie we drew out of that hat. This is what I grabbed...

"Beneath this glassy surface, a world of gliding monsters"

Deep Blue Sea (1999)

starring Thomas Jane, Samuel L. Jackson, LL Cool J, Saffron Burrows

If "The Notebook" has taught me anything, it's that Alzheimer's is a horrible, tragic disease and if the rest of pop culture has taught me anything, it's that the future is a bleak, hopeless disaster.

What do these two things have in common and how do they both relate to "Deep Blue Sea"?

If a movie takes place in the future, inevitably some unimaginable occurrence has plunged the planet into a post-apocalyptic nightmare. These events could include, but are not limited to:

1. The ever-popular zombie apocalypse. However, at this point everyone has formulated a foolproof zombie plan, so a potential real-life zombie apocalypse should be thwarted within a matter of days. (ex: I Am Legend, 28 Days Later)

2. A robot uprising. (ex: The Terminator movies; I, Robot; The Matrix trilogy)

3. An alien invasion. (ex: District 9; Battlefield: Earth)

4. A catastrophic environmental disaster that leaves humans on the brink of extinction and the complete breakdown of normal society. (ex: 2012; The Day After Tomorrow; Children of Men; Escape from LA, Mad Max, Waterworld)

5. The last and, in my mind, scariest one: the animals take over.

Anyone who watched "Rise of the Planet of the Apes" knows that the primates of the world were given increased intelligence through a series of experiments designed to cure Alzheimer's Disease, a trait that was passed genetically from generation to generation.

When the planet is controlled by damned dirty apes, where is the only place that's safe? The oceans, maybe? Not so fast. There's always those hyper-intelligent sharks to deal with. Sharks given increased intelligence in "Deep Blue Sea" as a result of what? That's right: experiments designed to cure Alzheimer's.

How can any human survive in a world where super smart sharks and super smart monkeys are trying to kill us all?

Robert Neville (Will Smith) in "I Am Legend" attempts to cure cancer and, instead, turns most of the world's population into rubber-faced rage zombies. The faceless scientists in "28 Days Later" test some strange virus and, a few monkey bites later, there's thousands of zombies sprinting across England.

Now you know why PETA is against animal testing in laboratories. They're just trying to save the world. 

Digressions are my curse, I apologize, so let's talk some more about Deep Blue Sea.

In Deep Blue Sea, Dr. Susan McAlester (Saffron Burrows) genetically engineers three super intelligent Mako sharks in order to harvest their brains for an Alzheimer's cure.

Naturally, when crazy scientists muck around things not meant to be for this earth, shit goes south in a hurry.Thomas Jane plays the shark wrangler hired to keep these Makos in check while Preacher (LL Cool J) is the cook who becomes the de facto shark slaying badass. 

These sharks eventually become aware of their captivity and yearn to escape to the…wait for it…deep blue sea.

Samuel L. Jackson, making his 157th film (approximately) of the '90s, plays the generous benefactor who funds this experiment. He also gives this memorable pep talk to help pull the survivors together:

"You think water's fast? You should see ice. It moves like it has a mind. Like it knows it killed the world once and got a taste for murder"

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That scene is sums up the entire movie as a whole: awful, vacuous dialogue with loud noises and sudden action design to startle your average moviegoer.

However, Ladies Love Cool James and I do too. LL Cool J's Preacher, the foul-mouthed, god-fearing cook in the lab is a fun character to watch, despite the lame material he has to deliver. 

For example: "Yea, though I walk through the valley of the shadow of death, I shall fear no evil. For thou art with me. Thy rod and thy staff, they comfort me. Surely goodness and mercy shall follow me all the days of my life. Because I carry a big stick and I'm the meanest mother fucker in the valley! Two sharks down, Lord! One demon fish to go! Can I get an Amen?"

LL Cool J also provides a song to the movie's soundtrack called "Deepest Bluest", the opening line of which is "Deepest, Bluest, my hat is like a shark's fin" So, yeah, the soundtrack is of the same quality as the movie. Cheesy, forgettable, yet so much fun to laugh at. As Preacher says when the final shark is blown up in a sequence that any shark movie connoisseur would immediately compare to the granddaddy of 'em all, Jaws, "Bring me some sushi!"

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The Final Word: Carter Blake (Samuel L. jackson): "No, what you've done is taken God's oldest killing machine and given it will and desire. What you've done is knocked us all the way to the bottom of the goddamn food chain. It's not a great leap forward in my book."

My Rating of Deep Blue Sea: I reached in the hat to pull out a rabbit and found a TURD instead.

-RFP!/MRetailSlave" target="_blank">Follow RFP on Twitter: @mretailslave

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