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A Story of One Man's Kryptonite
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by Trigger
F*ck spiders! F*ck them in their stupid little spider faces with their gazillion eyes, their freaky ass pinchers, and their web squirting ghetto booty's.
I was working today as most of us normally do on a Tuesday morning when I happened upon the lair of Shelob. You'll remember her from the Lord of the Rings movie. Yeah, she ate people, err...orcs. Whatever... They had two legs just like me!
There I was in the middle of a billboard, forty feet up in the air, staring down Candice Bergen's love luge. My objective is down that tunnel of terror, and to do my job I HAVE to crawl my ass back there. So, I testosterone up and contort my now emboldened torso into the silky breech. Do you know how fast a “moment” interrupted by a juicy fart can become awkward? Well that's how fast I was outta there - I couldn't do it.
I thought to myself, “I am a grown ass man and I'm terrified of a little arachnid?”. You're damn right self, you're damn right. So I call upon my crew-member (no not "that" member), and he helps, all the while spouting off about how much of a puss I am. I deserved it.
Kiss my ass, spiders. Oh how I would like to go back to that dreadful place with a super soaker and five gallons of diesel fuel. I'd kill so many of those little helpless bastards that British Petroleum would seem like a poster child for PETA.
So do me a favor everybody- Squish a daddy long leg, let it rain I don't care. Trap an innocent spider in a glass jar until it suffocates. Tear their legs off one by one. Because I sure as hell ain't gonna do it. I'll be the little girly man cowering on the couch whimpering in fear.
Categories: Trigger, Spiders, Man, Irrational, Pants Soiling Fears
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3 Comments
I'm scared of Biscuits in a can. That makes us one helluva couple, doesn't it?
If an army of wolf spiders wielding "whomp 'em" biscuit cannons charges us, we are doomed.
If an army of wolf spiders wielding "whomp 'em" biscuit cannons charges us, we are doomed.
It's ok, guys. I am here for you. Call me, I will kill your spiders and open your biscuits. Then I will spray for bugs and we will have biscuits and gravy. Mmmm gravy.
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