Miserable Retail Slave

Miserable Retail Slave podcast: Episode 1

Wed, 16 May 2012 22:10:00 +0000

In our inaugural episode, RFP and the worst comedian ever, Tom E. Thompson, talk about being a pair of Tubthumpers, Call Me Maybe, Liam Neeson's saucy tales of wolf love, celebrity holograms (like Tupac and Freddie Mercury), Against Me!, "Call Me Maybe" is ear cocaine, and the best drunk driving story ever. Plus, Tommy is the only person in the world that hated The Avengers. Download, enjoy, and tell your friends to do the same.

Subscribe on the iTunes, please. Leave us a review! Tell us we suck! (no, don't do that)

Don't want to deal with iTunes? You can download this episode by clicking here.

Opening song "Bionic Commando Stage 4 (Dale vs. Wray mix)" by Necro Polo. Check it out here.

Bionic Commando stage 4 (Dale vs Wray mix) (NecroPolo) / CC BY-NC-SA 3.0

Notes from Episode 1:

"Tubthumping" - Chumbawamba

Liam Neeson vs. The wolves FTW!

The most annoying ear cocaine in the world.

The Tupac Hologram

Tommy hates this....

If you like what you hear, please leave us a review on iTunes and tell your friends about the show!

Thanks,

RFP

LMFAO's "Sexy And I Know It"= New GLBT Anthem?

Tue, 06 Mar 2012 02:40:00 +0000

by Josh

I’ll admit something here. At my current place of work, one of my supervisors feels the need to play 102.5 WIOG on the radio constantly. Given that she’s a year younger than me and she’s into the whole young, party, free spirit, I guess that’s something I can expect. And naturally, every song on that station gets repeated several times a day. If I have to listen to Katy Perry sing about The One That Got Away again, I will seriously find her and give her a piece of my mind.

And then, like a backlash of fake tan and Jersey Shore quotations, I heard this song:

At first, I didn’t even think this was by LMFAO. Then again, I’m not exactly up on pop culture, especially given that pop music is there to sell records first, make music second. I also missed my chances on seeing who these guys were last semester, when they visited CMU during Homecoming Week (I think). I mean, who do those guys think they are? Sexy and I know it? I know for sure that I’m not sexy, and given my relationship status, it’s probably not gonna change anytime soon.

But then I realized something. Maybe this song is aiming for some other kind of message.

Maybe this one’s for the gay community.

Check this out:

1.) Consider the lyric “I got a passion in my pants and I ain’t afraid to show it”.

The song’s already established that there’s girls checking this guy out. Maybe he’s well dressed, and we already know he “works out”. However, he’s got this…passion. I assume it’s a bulge in his pants, if not a rock hard boner. Girls would like that, I guess, but we already know girls are eyeing him up. So why mention this? Simply put, there’s more than just girls at this club. There’s guys, too…and they might be noticing his passion as well.

2.) Consider the lyrics “When I walk in the spot (yeah), this is what I see (ok)

Everybody stops and they staring at me”

Dig deep into your childhood. Like, really deep. Preschool or Kindergarten deep. Before all of you read your porno magazines and your Cosmos, there was a children’s book called “Brown Bear, Brown Bear, What Do You See?” The featured lyric above this paragraph is said in almost the exact manner as the title of this children’s book – in recorded readings of said book.

Weighing in with Wikipedia, a bear is “a LGBT slang term that refers to members of a subculture in the homosexual and bisexual male communities and to an emerging subset of LGBT communities with events, codes, and a culture-specific identity”.

3.) Consider the lyrics “And when I'm at the beach, I'm in a Speedo trying to tan my cheeks (what)”

It’s been my experience that while men find a lot in women to love physically, this kind of admiration is not reciprocated. At the risk of being too graphic, the only thing men really have besides the obvious is…well, what’s behind the obvious. Once the clothes are off, money and social status doesn’t really matter, which is a huge handicap to play with in games of attraction.

But the lights are off during sex. And even if they aren’t a woman isn’t going to be fantasizing about a male body part she can’t even see or use. So this begs the question: what’s the point of tanning your cheeks? Who’s really gonna see them when clothes come off? Certainly not girls.

And last, but not least….

4.) Do the wiggle.

Yeah.

Eat your heart out, Lady Gaga. Born this way? More like I’m sexy and I know it.

-Josh

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The Hat Trick, vol. 3: The Good Guy

Fri, 03 Feb 2012 02:45:00 +0000

by RFP

For the Hat Trick, we reach into a hat and pull out a movie that we are forced to watch and review. Why? Well, why not? I reached into the hat and this is what I got....

"I want to touch her where she pees"

The Good Guy (2009)

starring Alexis Bledel, Scott Porter, Bryan Greenberg, Andrew McCarthy (all star cast!)

Remember those short stories you wrote when you were 16?

If you never tried to write a short story when you were 16, do you remember when that kid you used to know wrote a short story and made you read it?

The Good Guy is what happens when someone takes the short story that they wrote when they were 16 and turn it into a screenplay and eventually a barely released indie romance film starring a former Gilmore Girl.

Your setting is a brokerage firm on Wall Street or maybe somewhere left of Wall Street to avoid confusion with a much better movie dealing with a stock brokerage firm. In this firm, most of the key players have Top Gun style nicknames like Shakerspeare, Steve-O, and Cash.

Andrew McCarthy plays Cash, the head of this particular firm. The Good Guy is what happens to former Brat Packers whose careers peak in 1987. For the two of you who are wondering, I believe career fell off drastically after Mannequin. You can't get any better than Mannequin.

Anyways, McCarthy's Cash has a penis for a brain (or brain in his penis? eh?), so that everything that leaves his mouth is either precluded by a variation of "fuck" or is dripping with not-so-subtle sexual innuendo. Example: "That guy couldn't sell vagina on a pirate ship. Daniel is a lovely fella. He's about as much fun as chlamydia."

That's the level of quality we're dealing with here.

The narrator is Tommy Fielding (Scott Porter), the hotshot head seller at the firm, who has everything in life, including deep thoughts such as: "If you thought Wall Street was full of bullshitters, you should try having a relationship here" followed by the ever-popular, perpetually cliched "love is a warzone" metaphor. If you're Pat Benetar, you'll disagree and believe that love is a battlefield, but to each his/her own.

He's mostly referring to his main girlfriend, Beth (that Gilmore girl, Alexis Bledel), and the several other relationships he has scattered throughout the city, but that's definitely a "twist" that I completely ruined for you, but that you should see coming from the start if you are a sane, coherent human being.

Tommy has to mentor Daniel, a shy broker in the firm, after one of the top sellers there takes a better paying job. Daniel's standard is a joke which goes: "What do you call a fish with two knees? A two knee fish." He's what your parents and Huey Lewis would call a square. So am I, since I just made a Huey Lewis reference.

In a wacky twist o' fate, Daniel sees Beth in a bookstore while on the phone with Tommy. Tommy says to go make a move on the cute girl in the bookstore, not knowing he's advising his boy to mack on his lady. UH-OH!

In order to further groom his protege, Tommy continues to blow off Beth when she wants to hang out and chat, all the while giving Daniel advice on how to woo the mysterious book store girl. UH-OH!

In another inspired scene reminiscent of the almost iconic scene from The 40 year Old Virgin where Steve Carell has his chest waxed and yells "Kelly Clarkson," Beth and her friends chat about life and relationships while getting their vaginas waxed. One of her friends blurts out "Oh bitch fucker!" Humor.

At any rate, Daniel finds out that Tommy and Beth are dating at their company party and ends up being the only male in Beth's book club.

You can probably connect the dots here as to how this one ends. All I can say is that the ending to The Good Guy is the most sickeningly sappy happy ending that I have ever seen.

The Final Word: "Personally, I don't think there's anything wrong with bulimia at all" - Shakespeare, a black broker with a faux English accent, trying to pick up a girl at the bar

My rating for The Good Guy: I reached into the hat to pull out a rabbit and pulled out the steaming, rotting remains of Andrew McCarthy's career instead.

-RFP

Follow RFP on twitter: @mretailslave

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The Hat Trick, vol. 2: Revenge of the Bridesmaids

Thu, 26 Jan 2012 00:25:00 +0000

by Amanda

So, we decided to do a trick, with a hat, and movies, and reviewing. Randomly, I pulled out Revenge of the Bridesmaids. Joy.

A TV movie, made for ABC family. They describe it as :

Abigail and Parker run into their friend who has lost the love of her life.

Netflix describes it as:

Raven-Symoné and Joanna Garcia star in this comic romp as two pals who return to their hometown only to discover that their mortal enemy (Virginia Williams) is now engaged to their best friend's ex-boyfriend. Naturally, the girls aren't going to take this lying down. In the interest of true love, the pair conspires to halt the impending wedding and reunite the real lovebirds ... even if it means employing all manner of trickery and deceit.

I describe it as:

Tripe.

The whole 87 minutes left me waiting for the end. It's the same story, women being catty and manipulative to get what they want, because it's for LOVE. Bah. After the one couple breaks up, he has a romp with the other "frenemy", she lied to the groom about a pregnancy, and out of duty instead of intelligence, he decides to marry her. The two meddlesome friends show up for some stupid thing, find out their other friend is miserable because she made a mistake, and decide to sabotage the wedding. They almost fail, and then everyone lives happily ever after. The end. No consequences.

Memorable quotes? How about when they are referencing the movie An Officer and a Gentleman, and completely muck up the plot. Or at the end, when there's a banner that says "The thinky girls are back"?

Really, this movie was wretched, I cannot seem to think straight enough to string enough sentences together to properly communicate how contemptible this movie is. I would rather eat human flesh than see this again. It's not even bad enough to be awesomely bad. Or amusingly bad.

moral of the story? if you don't like your life, ruin someone else's, and yours will improve greatly.

My Rating: I reached into a hat to pull out a bouquet and I got leprosy instead.

- Ro-Ads

Follow Amanda on Twitter: @mandasaurus_rex

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The Hat Trick, vol. 1: Deep Blue Sea

Wed, 25 Jan 2012 19:35:00 +0000

by RFP

Last night on Twitter, Amanda, better known on this site as Ro-Ads, got ahold of me and said that we should jump start this venerable website again. She thought we start out by putting a bunch of movies in a hat, randomly grab one out, then watch and review whatever movie we drew out of that hat. This is what I grabbed...

"Beneath this glassy surface, a world of gliding monsters"

Deep Blue Sea (1999)

starring Thomas Jane, Samuel L. Jackson, LL Cool J, Saffron Burrows

If "The Notebook" has taught me anything, it's that Alzheimer's is a horrible, tragic disease and if the rest of pop culture has taught me anything, it's that the future is a bleak, hopeless disaster.

What do these two things have in common and how do they both relate to "Deep Blue Sea"?

If a movie takes place in the future, inevitably some unimaginable occurrence has plunged the planet into a post-apocalyptic nightmare. These events could include, but are not limited to:

1. The ever-popular zombie apocalypse. However, at this point everyone has formulated a foolproof zombie plan, so a potential real-life zombie apocalypse should be thwarted within a matter of days. (ex: I Am Legend, 28 Days Later)

2. A robot uprising. (ex: The Terminator movies; I, Robot; The Matrix trilogy)

3. An alien invasion. (ex: District 9; Battlefield: Earth)

4. A catastrophic environmental disaster that leaves humans on the brink of extinction and the complete breakdown of normal society. (ex: 2012; The Day After Tomorrow; Children of Men; Escape from LA, Mad Max, Waterworld)

5. The last and, in my mind, scariest one: the animals take over.

Anyone who watched "Rise of the Planet of the Apes" knows that the primates of the world were given increased intelligence through a series of experiments designed to cure Alzheimer's Disease, a trait that was passed genetically from generation to generation.

When the planet is controlled by damned dirty apes, where is the only place that's safe? The oceans, maybe? Not so fast. There's always those hyper-intelligent sharks to deal with. Sharks given increased intelligence in "Deep Blue Sea" as a result of what? That's right: experiments designed to cure Alzheimer's.

How can any human survive in a world where super smart sharks and super smart monkeys are trying to kill us all?

Robert Neville (Will Smith) in "I Am Legend" attempts to cure cancer and, instead, turns most of the world's population into rubber-faced rage zombies. The faceless scientists in "28 Days Later" test some strange virus and, a few monkey bites later, there's thousands of zombies sprinting across England.

Now you know why PETA is against animal testing in laboratories. They're just trying to save the world.

Digressions are my curse, I apologize, so let's talk some more about Deep Blue Sea.

In Deep Blue Sea, Dr. Susan McAlester (Saffron Burrows) genetically engineers three super intelligent Mako sharks in order to harvest their brains for an Alzheimer's cure.

Naturally, when crazy scientists muck around things not meant to be for this earth, shit goes south in a hurry.Thomas Jane plays the shark wrangler hired to keep these Makos in check while Preacher (LL Cool J) is the cook who becomes the de facto shark slaying badass.

These sharks eventually become aware of their captivity and yearn to escape to the…wait for it…deep blue sea.

Samuel L. Jackson, making his 157th film (approximately) of the '90s, plays the generous benefactor who funds this experiment. He also gives this memorable pep talk to help pull the survivors together:

"You think water's fast? You should see ice. It moves like it has a mind. Like it knows it killed the world once and got a taste for murder"

That scene is sums up the entire movie as a whole: awful, vacuous dialogue with loud noises and sudden action design to startle your average moviegoer.

However, Ladies Love Cool James and I do too. LL Cool J's Preacher, the foul-mouthed, god-fearing cook in the lab is a fun character to watch, despite the lame material he has to deliver.

For example: "Yea, though I walk through the valley of the shadow of death, I shall fear no evil. For thou art with me. Thy rod and thy staff, they comfort me. Surely goodness and mercy shall follow me all the days of my life. Because I carry a big stick and I'm the meanest mother fucker in the valley! Two sharks down, Lord! One demon fish to go! Can I get an Amen?"

LL Cool J also provides a song to the movie's soundtrack called "Deepest Bluest", the opening line of which is "Deepest, Bluest, my hat is like a shark's fin" So, yeah, the soundtrack is of the same quality as the movie. Cheesy, forgettable, yet so much fun to laugh at. As Preacher says when the final shark is blown up in a sequence that any shark movie connoisseur would immediately compare to the granddaddy of 'em all, Jaws, "Bring me some sushi!"

The Final Word: Carter Blake (Samuel L. jackson): "No, what you've done is taken God's oldest killing machine and given it will and desire. What you've done is knocked us all the way to the bottom of the goddamn food chain. It's not a great leap forward in my book."

My Rating of Deep Blue Sea: I reached in the hat to pull out a rabbit and found a TURD instead.

-RFP

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Of Mario and Motivation, or a lack thereof

Tue, 13 Dec 2011 02:50:00 +0000

by Paulie Walnuts

If I had known as a five year old that I’d still be a video game nerd a quarter-century later, I might have thought twice before begging for that Nintendo. Who could’ve possibly known in 1985 that the release of a semi-psychedelic video game featuring superhero plumbers, princesses, dragons, talking toadstools, and flying turtles would mark the beginning of what might turn out to be a permanent social fad?

And here we are. It’s nearly 2012 and technology runs the world. It’s hard to imagine any adult without a cellular phone, a television, or a computer. In fact, as America is perhaps on the verge of overcoming a lengthy economic recession, computer technology may be the key to propelling us forward into a new economic boom. But the tools for economic transition aren’t limited to those things we consider essential, like cars, computers, or cell phones. We live in an age when even our recreational preferences are rooted in technology. It seems like every other movie is a 3D action film. We have DVD players and Blu-Ray players. Picture quality is so clear that looking at our television screens is like looking through a window. Our cell phones can predict the weather.

But perhaps the most striking evidence of this is the sheer eruption of video game technology. Sixteen days after its November 8 release, Call of Duty: Modern Warfare 3 broke James Cameron’s Avatar’s sales record, becoming the fastest entertainment title to reach the billion-dollar mark. I am one of the millions of lemmings who pre-ordered the game, which costs around $60.00 for most platforms.

But I can’t help but worry about the amount of time I spend playing.

With the advancement of entertainment platforms like Xbox 360 and Playstation 3, we are no longer limited by our video game consoles. We are given free reign to surf the internet with our video game controllers. We can play games with and against millions of other players online. We can watch movies and listen to music, all from the default home screen on our consoles. This, while fascinating and alluring, is both a good and bad thing for America.

Clearly, entertainment technology like this is beneficial to our economy. Throughout history, our culture has clung to one particular thing for a particular length of time to improve the economy. Technology has always been that very thing, in one form or another, whether it be the automobile in the early 20th century or the computer in the past couple of decades. Now, it appears that our video game industry is next in line as millions of consumers are spending billions of dollars on consoles and titles.

On the other hand, however, the American youth is wasting more and more time in front of television and computer screens. Video games, social media websites, and the explosion of texting are contributing to our country’s illiteracy. We communicate with one another in abbreviations: “ur,” “lol,” “brb,” and so on. We watch television instead of reading. We listen to drivel on our radios. Instead of learning, we focus our brains on unproductive things, like posting online messages instead of placing phone calls, or playing video games instead of studying. We no longer enjoy thinking. We are lazy.

But how do we overcome this problem? Well, unfortunately, this question has no definitive answer. I can only begin to scratch the surface with this short blog. But perhaps the answer lies in how far our entertainment consoles can advance. Perhaps corporations like Microsoft need to invest more research into building programs, systems, and consoles designed specifically to improve on our country’s issue of productivity. We clearly need technological advancements in order to build a solid economic future for America. But entertainment technology is hindering our youth from becoming the educated, motivated, forward-thinking individuals we need them to be. It’s a catch-22, and a potentially damaging one, as we are spending billions of dollars on things that prevent us from reaching our full potential.

-Paulie Walnuts

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Leave it to The Beaver (booooo....)

Mon, 22 Aug 2011 23:40:00 +0000

by RFP

It's not a big screen re-imaging of "Leave It to Beaver", but, since every other film released to the cinemas these days is a recycled bit of nostalgia, you're forgiven if you thought this.

Depending on how close to the gutter your mind skews, you may even think "The Beaver" is the latest hardcore porn that you should probably download from bittorrent.

What "The Beaver" actually is is crazy old Mel Gibson playing crazy old Walter Black who wears a beaver puppet on his hand.

Perhaps it's unfair to slap a label such as "crazy" onto a cinematic legend such as Gibson. Maybe all of the questionable behavior and unflattering publicity has stemmed from plain, old fashioned bad luck. Maybe Mel is just a victim of circumstance. Regardless, it's hard to watch "The Beaver" without your mind drawing parallels between the character's tenuous hold on sanity and Gibson's real-life struggles.

The story follows William Black (Mel Gibson), a broken shade of a man who suffers from a deep, unending depression and possibly numerous personality disorders.

After a few botched suicide attempts, an old beaver puppet that Black had rescued from a trash can begins speaking to him in a thick Australian accent. He begins interacting with people exclusively through the puppet, telling everyone to address the beaver by name.

The Beaver's fun, outsized personality quickly replaces Black's depression and he finds that everyone seems to prefer the puppet's personality to his own. Now you know why Dave Coulier used Mr. Woodchuck in so many episodes of Full House.

Black experiences a renewed sense of creativity, resulting in explosive sales for his toy company. His family also embraces Black's new personality, with the exception of his jaded son, Porter (Anton Yelchin), who spends his time writing papers for money at school and trying to impress the brainy cheerleader (Jennifer Lawrence, who played young Mystique) who has hired him to write her valedictorian speech for graduation.

Since the Beaver has made his depression disappear overnight and everything seems to be coming up Milhouse in his life, Black decides that the puppet is not going away any time soon.

The extended period of a grown man using a beaver puppet to communicate slowly begins to wear on everyone and everything that has been gained by the Beaver starts to slip away from Black.

The climax features the Beaver becoming a cult phenomenon, an appearance on the Today show, a Fight Club-esque battle, and a somewhat shocking, but somewhat predictable conclusion.

The ridiculous premise of the film may be a turn off for some, but for others (like me) it's an interesting, off beat project featuring an actor who normally wouldn't tackle such subjects. I think a friendship with director Jodie Foster (who also plays William Black's wife) helped bring Gibson into the fold.

For me, the movie works due to Gibson's great performance. He puts everything he has into this character, a role that alternates from goofy to intense at a moment's notice. The intensity and emotional range that the role requires reminds me of his performance in "Ransom". The "B" plot in the movie concerning Anton Yelchin trying to woo Jennifer Lawrence really doesn't add anything to the main plot of the film. Yelchin, as always, does a great job investing himself in his character, while the upcoming star of The Hunger Games, Lawrence, is merely adequate.

I give "The Beaver" 3 out of 5 pink slips.

-RFP

Check out our latest reviews:

Rise of the Planet of the Apes

Fright Night (1985)

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'Fright Night' - The Quest to Purify My Pop Culture Soul, vol. 22

Thu, 18 Aug 2011 23:20:00 +0000

by RFP

The Quest to Purify My Pop Culture Soul" is RFP's attempt to finally see all of the movies that he's wanted to see. Many of these are some of the most successful films in Hollywood. Some of them didn't make much at all. Chances are, you've seen most of these. Join in the discussion as RFP stops procrastinating and takes the time to experience these movies for the first time.

The Quest to Purify My Pop Culture Soul, vol. 22

'Fright Night' (1985)

starring William Ragsdale, Chris Sarandon, Roddy McDowell

With the upcoming remake starring Colin Farrell and Anton Yelchin due out in theaters on Friday (insert Rebecca Black's ode to that glorious day right here), I figured it was as a good a time as any to check out the original Fright Night.

Vampires are the hot trend in popular media right now, so it's natural that this '80s cult classic gets the remake treatment. Thankfully there's none of those sparkly, big-haired Twilight chuds in this flick. Just old fashioned, blood sucking demons from hell.

The story begins with Charley Brewster (William Ragsdale) getting fresh with his girlfriend, Amy, while his favorite program, a show called Fright Night, plays in the background. In between glancing at the TV and trying to get one past his cold fish girlfriend of a year, Charley notices his new neighbors carrying a coffin into their new home. Kid must have ADD. He really needs to stay on task.

Amy expertly deflects all of Charley's scoring chances, like future hall of fame goaltender, Dominik Hašek, AND then has the nerve to blow off Charley's amazement towards his mysterious new neighbors and their questionable furniture choices.

It's at this point that Fright Night began to remind me of another, more recent film. There's no doubt that Fright Night begins as a riff on the Hitchcock classic, Rear Window, but it only uses that film as a starting point before launching off into another direction - the '80s teen horror genre.

The more recent film that I am thinking of also used Rear Window as a starting point, but then seems to follow Fright Night nearly scene for scene. Call it an homage, call it coincidence, call it plagiarism, but Disturbia starring that Decepticon slayer, Shia Lebeouf, was clearly influenced consciously or not by Fright Night.

Let's break it down.

Exhibit A

Fright Night - New neighbors move in next door to Charley Brewster. The neighbors keep strange hours and their appearance in the neighborhood happen to correspond with the gruesome deaths of several young women.Charley takes it upon himself to spy on the neighbors. At one point he hides in the bushes to spy on them.

Disturbia - Cale Brecht (LeBeouf) bides his time by spying on his neighbors due to a recent house arrest conviction. His new neighbor, Robert Turner (David Morse), keeps strange hours and unsolved murders of women started around the time that he moved in. At one point, Cale hides in the bushes to spy on him.

Exhibit B

One night Charley wakes up and looks into his neighbor's window. He sees his neighbor, Jerry (Chris Sarandon), about to make sexy time with a hot young thing. Charley watches as Jerry takes her top off, expose her neck, and rear back, fangs bared. Jerry happens to look up to stare straight at Charley. Charley freaks out and Jerry closes the curtains.

Cale wakes up to the sound of Turner's car arriving home. Cale watches through the window as Turner tries to seduce a young woman that he's brought home. Turner catches Cale spying on him, gives him the stinkeye and shuts the curtains.

Exhibit C

Charley watches the neighbor drag out a large garbage bag the next day, a bag that he assumes has the woman's body in it.

Ditto for Cale in Disturbia.

Exhibit D

Charley is shocked to find that his mom has invited Jerry into the house (a vampire no-no) to have a drink. Jerry gives Charley some not-so-subtle hints to knock it off and quit spying on him.

Cale is shocked to wake up and find his mom has invited Robert Turner into the house for coffee. He gives Cale some not-so-subtle hints to knock it off and mind his own business.

I could keep going, but, as you can see, the similarities are obvious. We could also comment on how Amy Peterson's borderline ridiculous/frightening vampire look seems to have been the template for Megan Fox's in Jennifer's Body. Who knew Fright Night was so influential?

At any rate, Charley has a vampire problem and the vampire knows that Charley knows that he has a vampire problem. Aside from getting vampire-repelling techniques from his "best friend" Evil Ed (who could easily pass for the Beavis half of the MTV duo), Charley does the only logical thing that he could possibly do: go stalk the hero of Fright Night, Peter Vincent, and ask him to help kill his neighbor. Because obviously an actor who can kill fake vampires has working knowledge on how to kill real ones.

I'm not going to describe the entire plot to you, but I will say that I enjoyed the approach that Jerry the vampire took toward dealing with his nosy teenage neighbor. Instead of killing Charley Brewster outright, the vampire systematically starts destroying his life. I mean, he turns Charley's best friend into a blood-sucker, makes out with his girlfriend and threatens to take her much coveted virginity.

There's plenty of those amazing '80s era horror movie special effects in the finale of the film, the type of effects that looked amazing and relied on the knowledge and ingenuity of talented experts to create. i think a lot of the charm of modern horror and sci-fi has been lost because modern filmmakers rely too much on the crutch of computer generated effects.

The ending is one of those generic finishes where everything seems fine and dandy, but is it really? The little "twist" in the seconds before the credits doesn't even makes sense given how other events in the film have resolved themselves. I know that's vague, but if you watch this movie, giving at least 30% of your attention to watching it, you'll understand exactly what I'm talking about.

Has Some Part of My Pop Culture Soul Been Saved By Watching This Movie?

How much money did The J. Geils Band make for writing and performing the title song, "Fright Night" for this movie? Every movie in the '80s had to have its own signature theme song. Good God. This particular one is the worst soundtrack song I've heard this side of "Batdance".

There's definitely some awful moments in Fright Night. Most of them revolve around the unbelievably annoying Evil Ed. There's the other questionable acting choice made by Chris Sarandon in his full vampire appearance. He adopts this very odd accent and talks in this hesitating stop/start way as if he's playing William Shatner having an asthma attack.

Overall, it's a decent waste of time. Nothing overly exciting, but not the worst movie ever made. I bought this movie on the cheap years ago and it had collected dust on my DVD shelf until this week. I wasn't that excited to see it then, I'm not that excited that I saw it now. It gets a big "eh" from me, but more towards the "eh, s'alright" side of the spectrum.

As for the 2011 Colin Farrell version of Fright Night, one can only assumed the sarcasm, gore, and sex appeal will be amped up for a newer, "hipper" generation. For example, the old fart Peter Vincent has been updated in this version to be a younger, more dashing character as played by everyone's favorite Doctor, the nerd magnet, David Tennant.

This feels like a movie that's somewhat out of place at the tail end of the summer blockbuster movie season. To me, it seems like a film that would do better business during the ramp up to Halloween in October. Then again, I was the guy that felt Captain America: The First Avenger should have came out as close to the 4th of July as possible. I don't get paid to make these business decisions and I'm no expert, so lets see how much business Fright Night actually pulls.

The one thing I do now is that The J. Geils Band's "Fright Night" is, thankfully, not in the updated film. Instead, the producers roll with the contemporary Kid Cudi whose laconic flow in 'No One Believes Me' is miles beyond J. Geils, but still instantly forgettable.

Saved or Failed: SAVED

The next attempt to redeem my pop culture soul happens next week.

If you have seen "Fright Night", your achievement badge is below. Create a folder on your facebook page titled "Film Geek" and save the image to that folder. You'll be able to track your progress and show the world how geeky you really are.

-RFP

You can read previous installments of this column here.

Rise of the Planet of the Apes: What the hell happened to the ending?!

Wed, 17 Aug 2011 20:25:00 +0000

by Jason

Ok, so I’ll admit it, I was pretty excited to see Rise of the Planet of the Apes. It had the Franco, that should be illegal to be that hot girl from Slumdog Millionaire wearing a SCARF, and some cool looking CGI apes wasting stuff and generally wreaking havoc in New York. Oh yeah, and Brian Cox, one of my favorite older dude actors, as the shady monkey house manager guy. What was not to love, what could go wrong?

Well, throughout most of the movie, the answer is, not a whole lot. You got the dude who used his face for Gollum in the LOTR movies CGI-ing (is that a term? Well it is NOW!) up his face to play Caesar, the main ape that becomes a sort of pet/bff to Franco during the first half hour of the movie, because Franco is working on a cure for Alzheimers because his dad (played by another cool older dude actor, John Lithgow – I forgive you for 3rd Rock from the Sun, man its ok. Remember Footloose? How bout A Distant Thunder? Dude had talent) has it to the MAX. Like, he’s pretty much lost his mind. So you feel for the guy, and you sort of understand when he sees that it showed some success with one of the apes, who literally ends up going ape shit (always wanted to use that term and have it actually apply, mission accomplished!), but NOT because of the drug Franco makes – because she thought someone (possibly a dingo) was going after her baby, to try and eat it or kill it or what have you.

Well since she sorta ruins the plans of the soulless evil corporation that funds Franco and his fancy new medicine by smashing up a bunch of stuff in their building, they shut down the project – but not before he can steal a bunch of this medicine to help his Dad, and, maybe a little against his will, the mom's baby, who he ends up naming Caesar. Well naturally he bonds with the little dude, and, since he is the offspring of his mom who had such success with the medicine, naturally he isn’t your ordinary ape. Wasn’t that like the theme song for Magilla Gorilla, something about him not being your average ape? Who remembers that cartoon, because it was awesome, huge gorilla in a little purple vest and a tie, whats not to love? Ok since like, MAYBE three people reading this remember that, moving on!

Anyways, so he pretty much becomes the smartest ape of all time ever, and in quick succession. We move through time kinda quickly here, because its necessary – we can’t have a bunch of baby apes wreaking havoc on New York after all, can we? That would make us as humans look like a bunch of pansies. So we have to get Caesar around a bunch of other apes, and the macguffin (a term I learned in film class, my Masters Degree at work right there people!) for that is that naturally Caesar has to create some sort of ruckus out in public that ends him getting picked up by animal control. Dude IS still an animal after all.

I forgot something – during these glimpses into Caesar's different stages of development, we are introduced to that most ridiculously beautiful, insanely out of place veterinarian that you will ever see. I’m talking about Freida Pinto, of Slumdog Millionaire fame, and my god, did she even get more insanely gorgeous in those years between that great movie and this…less than great one.

She doesn’t belong here. Sure, Franco is a handsome dude, he's versatile, he works here. But the casting of the lovely Freida just makes me think someone with a Michael Bay-like mentality was working on the set of this movie, and thought “Ok, DUDES! Who can we get that is just completely OFF THE CHART hot for this movie, we all gotta admit here, we got no ending, sometimes the plot meanders a bit, what can we do to bring in more dudes?! I’m talking someone nuclear hot, but someone that people may not remember?”

And one intern in the back timidly raised his hand and said “um…sir? What about that SMOKIN hot girl from Slumdog, has she gotten any work lately? We might be able to get her cheap?” and that Michael Bay-like guy jumped off of his soapbox, gave a fist pump and said “Promote that man! And get me that super hot Indian girl’s agent on the phone, STAT!” and thus, Frieda Pinto was cast.

Because seriously, sure, shes a fine actress. I’ve seen much worse in fact. I’d like to see more of her, I wouldn’t even mind her in a starring role – not just because she is completely off the chain beautiful, but because, I think shes talented. She just doesn’t belong in this movie, she is too beautiful for it. That’s just my two cents, and I apologize.

At any rate, so what causes Caesar to end up at the monkey house (man I’ve got to use so many clichéd terms about simians already in this review, fantastic) is, well, the medicine stops working on Franco’s dad. It takes a long time (like 10 years movie time I think?) but he starts regressing back to losing his mind, and its happening faster too. Franco starts to get desperate to develop something new, and he does, but it’s almost too late. His Dad tries to drive a car (which reminds me of a Dumb and Dumber quote – “Although slow, and dangerous behind the wheel, old people CAN still serve a purpose!” ) and it doesn’t go well, did I mention it was the neighbor's car? So the neighbor comes out, goes nuts, seemingly attacks him, and Caesar sees this from his cool upstairs room, and busts out of there to defend him. He goes a little overboard, as apes protecting people they love are prone to do, and he ends up in the monkey house, the ape slammer, the chimpanzee clink, up the river for orangutans….ok you get it.

At any rate, so he ends up here, with Brian Cox as the shady headmaster, and SPEAKING of headmasters, none other than Draco Malfoy plays one of the evil caretakers here, treats the apes like crap, sneers at them – pretty much plays the same role he did in Harry Potter, minus the wind. It was weird to see him in this movie too, but not as strange as seeing the lovely Freida. But I digress – things are not well here, Caesar is an outcast because he wears human clothes, he is disliked, beaten up, picked on, the new kid in town. But he starts to figure things out, starts to realize that he needs to run with the pack because he can’t do what he wants to on his own. Some of these scenes were some of my favorite in the movie – showcasing that the CGI apes and their interactions are probably more interesting than what the humans are doing – which I suppose is probably how they want us to feel, since they are starting a new franchise and we’ll be seeing more apes than humans in the inevitable sequel. But these scenes are cool, especially when Caesar realizes that Franco isn’t going to come get him any time soon, and that he is alone in the world, and needs to do something about that. So he starts to manipulate his ape friends, and he does it rather smartly and quickly – he IS the smartest ape there ever has been, after all.

During all this, there is also the other plot running, pretty much a sidenote (and it shouldn’t have been), about the one guy who got exposed to Francos new medicine, aside from his Dad. Doesn’t go well for the guy, to say the least – you know, the usual, with the coughing up of the blood, the fainting, the dying in your bed, etc. So he’s dead. But not before coughing on the neighbor guy – same dude who got attacked by Caesar when he yelled at John Litgow earlier btw, and man, I gotta tell ya, I really felt bad for that guy. Dude can’t catch a BREAK! First he's attacked by a big ass ape for just trying to protect his car (it WAS a camaro, after all!), and NOW he's coughed on by some fat guy that was prowling around his neighbor's house. He was just being a good Samaritan! And what does he get? Freakin’ DEATH. There’s a lesson in that, kids. But so we have that sidenote, because, gotta have a way to wipe out all the humans so we can have that whole Planet of the Apes scenario mentioned in the title, right?

So things escalate quickly at the chimpanzee clink, and Caesar busts out the really sweet looking huge ape that’s always locked up – I wanna call him Brutus because that’s what his name SHOULD have been, but I forget what it really was. So I’ll call him Brutus. So him and Brutus become buds and rally the troops in a sense, and it all comes to a head when Malfoy goes too far with Caesar and little did HE know that Caesar had already broken out of the slammer to procure more of that fancy medicine that made him smart and released it among all his friends, so hes in trouble. So Malfoy gets a small case of electrocuted horribly, and then Caesar and his buds are free to go. Now THIS part of the movie is sweet, and includes all the scenes you see in the movie – apes attacking humans, pandemonium, spears being thrown at cop cars, monkeys jumping on helicopters, etc. I just realized my first review here is running a bit long (get used to it with me, seriously) so I’ll move on to my rant about the ending, we are almost there anyways.

Ok so all this awesomeness is happening, and if you don’t want to know how it ends, I’ll say SPOILER ALERT right now and just stop reading, realize I’m hilarious, and come back for another review in a few days. If you’ve already seen it or have no plans (and you probably WON’T have any plans to see it after you read this rant) to see it, then read on my friend. Ok so the apes are kickin ass and not taking any names, it all comes to a head on the Golden Gate Bridge, which leads to the cool forest with all those old redwood trees. I’ve never been there but damn if they don’t make that place look pretty. So the apes trick the silly humans who try to barricade the bridge, Brutus bites it by doing the long jump on to a helicopter FLYING IN THE AIR, people die, spears are thrown, cop cars are wrecked, stuff explodes, it's all pretty awesome.

All the while of course we have Franco trying to get to his old buddy to try and reason with him, and since it’s a movie he uses his hottie girlfriend to distract the two cops that happen to be standing around during this monkey apocalypse, and he's off to try and save his pal. Well he makes it through all the carnage of course, and ends up in the woods with Caesar and his buddies. So they talk, and he tells him he should just come back home, to stop all this, and Caesar says “Well, I am home”.

The ape only talks twice in the movie, and both times I’ll admit, it’s pretty sweet. It’s well done, isn’t cheesy, and fits the situation. So heres where I get pissed – then the movie just…ends. Ok, so the apes have proven they can waste some humans, that we are in trouble from these super smart apes, there's a few messages about how we treat animals n stuff, makes ya think. And then….that's it.

I realize this movie is to set up the franchise and all of that, but I just wanted more resolution. The REAL slap in the face comes at the end credits, when the producers were probably like “oh shit bro! We TOTALLY forgot about how that disease thing, created by the medicine, wipes out all of EARTH yo! So uh…lets just do one of those old-timey travelling things, you know, like on Indiana Jones? Except this time, instead of people flying, its DEATH flying dude, people getting DEAD by that disease! Awesome, problem solved!” Uh….no. In the inevitable sequel, if it just starts out where “ok guys, so everyones dead, and here's some apes, runnin' stuff”, I’m gonna be beyond pissed. It was just like the entire movie was all build up and then no real climax. I’m ok with a movie trying something different…it just didn’t work this time. At least not for me. It might for you, I don’t know.

So, in conclusion, the movie has some cool ideas it kicks around – some environmental ones, ideas about how we may THINK we are the bosses here but that situation can easily be rearranged, etc., it just falls apart at the end. That isn’t to say it’s a BAD movie, it’s not. It’s just a disappointing one, with some oddly casted people, particularly the freaking goddess Freida Pinto, who doesn’t need to be anywhere near this movie. But the action is good, Franco and Cox are solid, Malfoy proves he can be Malfoy in other movies too, and the CGI is top notch, I’d maybe even see groundbreaking, on Caesar and his homies. So I’ll give this movie a 2 ½ out of 4 stars. Or if you aren’t into the star system, that’d be about a 6/10. It has some merits, it just doesn’t make it all the way.

out of

~ Jason

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Freddy Krueger in Mortal Kombat 9 and other Video Game Crossovers

Fri, 29 Jul 2011 00:56:00 +0000

Video game developers have always catered to the nerd audience by including subtle (and sometimes, not-so-subtle) crossovers with other areas of pop culture that also appeal to the Starfleet insignia-shaped pleasure center of the standard nerd's brain.

In the biggest heart-stopping nerd-gasm since Mario was finally able to take on Sonic the Hedgehog in Super Smash Bros. Brawl, Warner Bros. announced that Freddy Krueger would be available to download for Mortal Kombat 9 as a playable character.

Krueger fits reasonably well into the mystic and murderous world of the Mortal Kombat universe. Yes, I just typed the phrase "mystic and murderous" and, no, I am not happy about it.

I had no real desire to buy Mortal Kombat 9, mainly because I am completely inept at mashing the buttons crisply enough to properly execute the moves in any fighting game. Whenever I hear the words "Finish Him!" and I see my opponent helpless and dazed, the adrenaline kicks in. You only have a 5 second window to push the buttons in the correct sequence to unleash a finisher and my nerves just can't handle the pressure.

At any rate, this Freddy Krueger playable character is enough to pique my interest in the game. At least a little bit.

In honor of this announcement, I present to you a list, in no particular order, of notable video game crossover moments. These may be interesting, ridiculous, or a mixture of both.

This list does not include games completely devoted to crossovers or celebrities. Don't wonder why X-Men vs Street Fighter, Marvel vs. Capcom, Mortal Kombat vs. DC Universe, or even Celebrity Death Match isn't on the list. This list isn't complete either, so if I left some game out, I fully acknowledge that fact.

1. Soulcalibur II (2003) for Xbox and Gamecube

The Gamecube version of the title featured Nintendo icon, Link from the Legend of Zelda series, while the Xbox port's guest character was Todd McFarlane's popular comic book creation, Spawn.

Spawn seems like a suitable choice for a guest fighting game character, but Link isn't necessarily one of the first characters most players would choose to control. Link is, however, one of the most "realistic" characters in Nintendo's arsenal, so if Nintendo and Soulcalibur's developers were intent on including a Nintendo character, then Link is one of the most logical choices.

This wouldn't be the last time that the Soulcalibur series would include outside characters in their title in order to drum up interest in the franchise.

2. Soulcalibur IV for Playstation 3 and Xbox 360

This time around Soulcalibur made a bold decision to contact George Lucas about including characters from the Star Wars universe in their game. Including the Secret Apprentice from the Star Wars: The Force Unleashed is one thing, but these games featured Darth Vader and Yoda.

Star Wars fans didn't like it. Soulcalibur fans didn't like it. But, it's still pretty cool.

3. Clayfighter 63 1/3 (1997) for N64

Earthworm Jim was a character in the '90s who achieved a high level of popularity inside and outside of the video game community. Cartoons, comics, action figures, Earthworm Jim was a character that was poised to reach Mario and Sonic levels of popularity…until the character just went away.

Not only was Earthworm Jim featured in this game, but also another outside '90s creation called Boogerman, who flicked boogers and propelled himself by farting. Boogerman was cast in the game as Jim's arch-enemy. Ah, the '90s. Nostalgia.

4. WWF Smackdown! Just Bring It (2001) and Fight Club (2004)

Fred Durst. He was in Smackdown because the Undertaker used to use Limp Bizkit's "Rollin'" as entrance music. He was in Fight Club because….I'm not sure why he was in it. But it gives you the opportunity to destroy something beautiful. Or at least Fred Durst.

5. UFC Undisputed 2010

Shaquille O' Neal as a hidden fighter in an MMA game? Shaq has trained in MMA for a few years, so…this…is…an…obvious….crossover? But would an MMA rather play as Rampage Jackson or Shaq.

6. Punch Out!! for Wii

The original game for the Nintendo featured Mike Tyson as the champion or final boss. Tyson was one of the first celebrities, athletes or otherwise, to lend their likeness to a high profile video game.

Twelve years later, using Mike Tyson as a final boss is neither financially or commercially viable. So, who would be it? Who would be the seemingly unbeatable opponent that Little Mac has to defeat?

Donkey Kong. Ugh.

7. Call of Duty: Black Ops

In a very cool (at least in my opinion) crossover moment, the downloadable Escalation Zombie map includes well-known actors who made their living playing cult characters in supernatural settings against hordes of zombies.

Sarah Michelle Gellar (Buffy the Vampire Slayer), Danny Trejo (Machete), Robert Englund (Freddy Krueger), and Michael Rooker (Merle from "The Walking Dead"). Not only that, but the "father" of the zombie movies, George Romero makes an appearance as an enemy in the map.

8. Madden NFL 11

Guiding your favorite team to a Super Bowl victory has always been the goal, but the reward has always seemed underwhelming. This version enhances the post game celebrations with award presentations, parades, and a visit to the White House to meet President Obama. A president has never made an appearance in a Madden game before, but this crossover seems like a natural fit for a president who is a known sports fanatic.