Miserable Retail Slave

by RFP

When Vin Diesel's family-friendly Disney comedy, The Pacifier, came out a few years ago, I told people that it was his Kindergarten Cop. 

No matter how many asses are kicked, no matter how many bullets are fired, and no matter how much havoc is wrecked, action heroes invariably try to diversify their audiences by starring in tame PG movies that even Grandma would enjoy.

Usually these movies involve the heavily muscled, testosterone-dripping tough guy being forced into numerous emasculating situations until the macho man shows a heretofore undiscovered sensitive side. Along the way there are the usual "haha, hilarious" standard family comedy jokes of cute kids saying the darndest things, bodily functions (involving farts, burps, vomit), and random slapstick comedy (such as nut shots or blunt force trauma to the head).

The Rock (or Dwayne Johnson, if you prefer, which I don't) has done it recently with The Gameplan, Race to Witch Mountain, and The Tooth Fairy. Stallone did it during his lost period in between Rambo and Rocky revivals with Oscar and Stop! or my Mom Will Shoot. 

But no one did it more memorably than Arnold Schwartzenegger. He did Twins in 1988 (it's funny because he's huge, and Danny DeVito is tiny. HAHA), Kindergarten Cop (it's funny because he's huge and kids are tiny. HAHA), Junior in 1994 (it's funny because men can't get pregnant. HAHA), and Jingle All the Way (it's funny because he really wants to buy that Turbo Man action figure for his son. HAHA).

The Last Action Hero is an odd comedy/action/satire that seems like the perfect transition film from Terminator 2 to the comedies I just mentioned above. According to wikipedia, Schwartzenegger chose this film over The Tooth Fairy, the same flick that was rewritten for The Rock 16 years later. 

Schwartzenegger plays action star, Jack Slater, a tough as nails, do what it takes police officer who fires off one liners such as "you want to be a farmer. Here's a couple of acres" before kicking a thug in the nuts.

Danny Madigan (played by Austin O' Brien) is a young boy whose escape from real life is watching Slater's films at a theater ran by an elderly theater owner.

After a completely random break in at his house, Danny goes to the theater against his mother's wishes to see a sneak preview of Jack Slater IV. The old man gives Danny an allegedly magic ticket that was a gift from Houdini.

While Danny watches the movie, the ticket glows and he's sucked into the action, instantly reminding me of the Captain N: The Game Master cartoon from my youth.

The movie world that Slater inhabits seems to parody all of the various stereotypes found in a typical buddy cop action/comedy. Some these stereotypes are:

Slater is a horrible driver, crashing into things, driving recklessly, fishtailing for no reason.

He gets the job done, but causes excessive property damage in the process. As a result of this, Slater's boss is perpetually screaming, out of his mind with grief because of all the rules Slater breaks to get the job done.

Gun shot wounds or other injuries that would be considered serious or fatal are labeled as "flesh wounds" as seen in the closing moments of the movie.

One of the highlights of the film takes place while Danny is stuck inside the movie "Jack Slater IV" and he is trying to convince Slater that they are in a movie and Danny is from the "real world", Danny tells Slater that he is actually the actor, Arnold Schwartzenegger, and takes Slater to the local Blockbuster to prove it. But, instead of Arnold on the poster for Terminator 2 inside the Blockbuster, it's Sylvester Stallone. Exasperated, Danny points out the fact that every one in this world has phone numbers starting in "555" and all the women are way too hot. The future Governator responds to this by shrugging and saying, "we're in California".

While there are a few clever ideas in The Last Action Hero, unfortunately, they come few and far between. The main villain of the film, Mr. Benedict, has a glass eye, which he periodically switches out in order to show off his long line of designer eyeballs. 

One of the main wtf moments in the movie comes when Slater takers Danny to his police station. The entire scene is an excuse to show some gratuitous cameos from Robert Patrick as T-1000 and Sharon Stone as Catherine Trammel, her character from Basic Instinct.  The station scene also introduces us to Whiskers, an animated detective cat voiced by Danny DeVito who looks like Skat Cat from that Paul Abdul music video and plays an important role in saving Jack and Danny later in the movie.

Why would a cartoon cat be in the world of an action movie? It makes no sense at all.  But at least Arnold had enough sense to avoid dressing up in a leotard for The Tooth Fairy like the Rock did. Then again, he did star in Junior. So maybe I shouldn't give him any credit at all.

If you have suffered through The Last Action Hero, your achievement is below.

by RFP

'Howard the Duck'

The first nudity that I ever remember seeing in any medium was in Howard the Duck.

My parents were fairly hip twentysomethings in the '80s. They listened to hair metal and subscribed to premium cable channels like HBO and Cinemax. It wasn't uncommon to find all day marathons of MTV playing in the living room on the weekends. They bought a VCR and rented new movies on a weekly basis, but, rather cruelly, only let me rent Nintendo games on special occasions. 

Since they were on a first name basis with the owner of the local video store, I was subjected to a wide and varied amount of horrible '80s trash. For whatever reason, Howard the Duck was their film of choice one night. Usually, I was ushered out of the room or forced to cover my eyes whenever the slightest hint of sexual content was forthcoming.

However, the nudity in Howard the Duck happened so suddenly and was so bizarre that my parents had no time to respond. 

In the beginning of the film, Howard is sitting back, trying to enjoy his Playduck magazine (haha, clever, right?) when he's inexplicably ripped through his apartment and into space. One of the rooms he crashes through is his neighbor's bathroom, complete with a female duck, duck boobies exposed, sitting in the bathtub.

Why such a disturbing image of a duck-shaped puppet with breasts was ever committed to film is secondary to the question of why my first exposures to naked breasts were in movies and were very, very odd. (For the record, the second time I saw boobs in a movie was in Total Recall at a friend's birthday party in fourth grade. It was that alien chick with three breasts. Weird).

Since we're pondering the important, yet unanswerable questions, let's consider why George Lucas, who had a hand in creating two of the most iconic film franchises in Hollywood history (Star Wars and Indiana Jones), decided bringing Howard the Duck to the big screen was a great way to pad his otherwise impressive resume. 

I don't know the man, but I would think my theory is spot-on: George Lucas loves midgets. He loves the little people. Anyone who could safely represent the Lollipop Guild is alright in George's eyes.

After all, Lucas was so enamored with the Empire-conquering Ewoks, that he developed two made for TV movies based on them. The only thing that could fill the little person void in his soul after the production of those Ewok adventures was clearly a midget in a duck costume. 

So thanks to George Lucas, Marvel Comics' beer swilling, cigar chomping talking duck was adapted into a major motion picture before the X-Men, Iron Man, Captain America, the Hulk, Daredevil, the Fantastic Four, and, oh yeah, Spider-Man.

After being dragged through space by this ray of light, Howard lands on Earth, more specifically Cleveland, home of the Drew Carey Show, the Browns, and Lebron Jam....oh, wait. Nevermind.

Even more specifically, Howard lands near a rock and roll bar where he soon has to defend Beverly (Lea Thompson), lead singer of girl group "Cherrybomb" (they're more The Go-Gos and less The Spice Girls), from a couple of over eager fans. These two prove to be no match for Howard's Quack Fu (it's like Shaq Fu, only deadlier). In gratitude, Beverly lets the homeless Howard spend the night in her apartment.

Fresh off her role in Back to the Future, one the most popular films of the '80s, Lea Thompson spends most of the first half of the movie making cute faces in response to Howard's shenanigans. The last half the movie is spent with Thompson making more cute faces, but also yelling "Howard!" every fifteen seconds as she's taken hostage by Ferris Bueller's principal.

I also have a theory as to why Lea Thompson would be slumming it in a movie such as this. While she was never a huge star, you would have to think that her Hollywood clout had grown a little from appearing in Back to the Future. The reason that Thompson appears in Howard the Duck? She's a pervert.

In Back to the Future she plays Marty McFly's mother. When Marty appears in the past, she tries to seduce her future son. Incest material. Yes!

In Howard the Duck, the relationship between Beverly and Howard is full of sexual tension. At one point she jokingly flirts with Howard, getting him all hot and bothered. Despite the fact that she finds a teeny tiny condom in his wallet (he's not a magnum man), Beverly still appears to want to jump his hollow bones. The sad thing is that such an act would be tame compared to what you can find on the internet these days. Beastiality material. Yes!

The rest of the movie concerns a convoluted explanation as to how Howard got to Earth (a scientist used this ray thing and it accidentally dragged him here), demonic possession (in trying to send Howard back home, they bring something else back- The Dark Overlord of the Universe) and wacky misadventures with Phil, a dorky scientist played by Tim Robbins.

A brawl in a restaurant leads to Howard getting attacked by the diner's patrons, who want to chop his head off, cook him, and eat him. Yuck. There's food all around you guys and you want to eat a talking duck? Gross. 

Meanwhile, a possessed Dr Jenning (Jeffery Jones aka Bueller's principal) fires off one liner after liner and kidnaps Beverly in order to use her body for one his buddies to possess.

Naturally, it's up to Howard to save the day. SPOILER: He saves the day.

The movie ends on a truly '80s note. Cherrybomb has become a huge success, managed by Howard, based on the strength of their hit single, "Howard the Duck". Naturally, Howard comes out and wails on the guitar as the masses go wild. Beverly and Howard embrace and share a long, loving (creepy?) glance. The End. What a fun ride. (Sarcasm implied)

According to wikipedia, that ever reliable source of info, the Howard the Duck theme song was co-written by George Clinton, yet it's not as funky as I would like it to be. Lea Thompson allegedly sang all the vocals in the movie, too. It's only fitting I end a masterpiece of a column about a cinematic masterpiece with a musical masterpiece.

By the way, if you suffered through Howard the Duck at some point, your achievement badge is below.

In two weeks, more crappy movies with The Last Action Hero