Miserable Retail Slave

by RFP

"The Quest to Purify My Pop Culture Soul" is RFP's attempt to finally see all of the movies that he's wanted to see. Many of these are some of the most successful films in Hollywood. Chances are, you've seen most of these. Join in the discussion as RFP stops procrastinating and takes the time to experience these movies for the first time.

The Quest to Purify My Pop Culture Soul, vol. 18 

Angus

starring Charlie Talbert, James Van Der Beek, Kathy Bates, George C. Scott

Angus is a perfect slice of mid-'90s pop culture, served up with a perfect mix of why-me angst and the sarcastic, hyper-intelligent musings and yearnings of a teenage outcast. 

Within the teen comedy genre, there are usually two different quests that the main teenage protagonist embarks on.

1. The quest to get laid.

2. The quest to win the heart of the most popular girl in school.

Angus, the titular character, is concerned with the latter option, in this case, the unobtainable cheerleader that he has loved his entire life, Melissa Lefever. The problem is that Angus has never worked up the courage to say a single word to Melissa, a plight that is subtly reflected in the film by Melissa's complete lack of lines until near the end of the film. For the most part, she remains the silent, unapproachable goddess of Angus' dreams. 

While Angus has the stereotypical qualities of the fictional high school underdog  - he's shy, fat, has a weird best friend, and is bullied by the jocks - he also possesses qualities that represent a refreshing change for a relatively stale movie genre.

Angus, while fat, has also been bigger and stronger than his peers for his entire life. He's a good football player and virtually immovable on the line. In an even better twist, Angus has never taken any crap from his main rival, Rick Sanford (Before James Van Der Beek was the star quarterback for the West Canaan Coyotes, he was the star quarterback for the Lake Michigan High Huskies). In fact, he's given Sanford a broken nose three times in his life.

Angus spends most of his time shaking his meaty fist at whatever cruel god has condemned to a sexless life filled with relentless sweating and a wiry ginger for a best friend who would one day become The Sherminator in American Pie.

Because Angus is a mid-'90s fictional construct, his futile lamentations about his non-existent social status are accompanied by the horrific riffs and strained, whiskey voices of generic alternative rock bands. The existential depression that one feels while taking stock of one's life can only be made worse by the song stylings of Goo Goo Dolls playing overhead.

Rick Sanford, whose grudge against Angus probably stems from the fact that the fat kid has given him a broken nose three time and, probably, a deviated septum, decides the best way to humiliate Angus is to have him voted the king to Melissa's queen at the upcoming school dance. 

It seems this devious bastard believes that Angus doesn't know how to dance and, thus, will make a fool out of himself during the king/queen dance. Oh, that evil son of a bitch.

What follows is a betrayal, a loss, a teary-eyed declaration of "you don't know how it feels", an impassioned speech that means everything in a movie, but would not even register in real life, and dreams coming true. 

This is also the film whose soundtrack the pretty great (and pretty popular) Green Day track, "J.A.R." So that's a thing.

I feel I should also draw attention to the fact that the movie poster (and every single poster I've seen promoting Angus) boldly advertises that the film is "From the producers of Cool Runnings", Not sure how that would be a huge selling point for the general public to go see a movie, considering Cool Runnings is, you know, Cool Runnings, but I digress. I guess Cool Runnings was extremely popular for it's time considering I was forced to watch it around 12 times in elementary school whenever the teachers didn't feel like teaching.

Has Some Part of My Pop Cultural Soul Been Saved by Seeing This Movie?

I was a bit hard on the movie, but I actually liked it quite a bit. That's not surprising because I am a huge fan of the teen comedy genre. It's not actually required viewing, but it's a film that was obsessively watched by a number of my classmates in junior high and the ensuing high school years. 

As mentioned before, Angus isn't  a typical loser-outcast-pining-for-the-girl character. His sarcastic bantering with his grandfather is an entertaining part of the movie as is their shared creed: "Screw 'Em". 

The message to be yourself, no matter what other people think is a well tread theme in movies of this type. See also: beauty is skin deep, you can't judge a book by it's etc. There all represented here. 

Kathy Bates is also in this movie, portraying Angus' single mother. She stands around and doesn't do much. Or maybe she does.

Honestly, my brain dies a little and I see nothing but white whenever she came on the screen. My consciousness still hasn't recovered from seeing her completely naked in About Schmidt .

Saved or Failed? SAVED

Film Count: Well. It's been awhile. When last we met the count was 2,038. Instead of listing every flick I've seen in the ensuing downtime, let's just say that the count is at 2,074 films that I have seen in my lifetime.

Later this week, we get back to a flick that was supposed to be the next installment in this series: Avatar

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Read past installments of "The Quest" here!

If you have seen Angus, your achievement badge is below. Create a folder on your facebook page titled "Film Geek" and save the image to that folder. You'll be able to track you progress and show the world how geeky you really are. the world how geeky you really are.

- RFP

by RFP

'Demolition Man' - The Quest To Purify Pop Culture Soul, vol. 17

starring Sylvester Stallone, Wesley Snipes, Sandra Bullock, Dennis Leary, Rob Schneider

In the distant dystopian future of 1996 Los Angeles, America's most ruthless criminals are not put to death. They are not locked away in a jail cell for life. 

In Demolition Man's 1996 Los Angeles, they go the way of Walt Disney and Ted Williams - cryogenically frozen for a predetermined amount of time. Essentially, they are given a time-out and given behavior modification implants (they're pumped full of happy thoughts) while they "sleep" in order to rehabilitate them.

Is this really a punishment? 

Sure, you're frozen for 50 years. But you come out looking like you did the day you were put in deep freeze and, in your mind, it feels like no time has passed at all. You're family and friends may be gone, but if you used to be a murderer or rapist, you probably didn't have much of either in the first place.

John Spartan (Sylvester Stallone) is an officer who always gets his man, no matter what property damage is incurred. His peers call him The Demolition Man for this reason. He also looks like a GI Joe, but that's neither here nor there.

While trying to capture elusive drug dealer, Simon Phoenix (Wesley Snipes), Spartan accidentally destroys an entire warehouse filled with hostages.

He is charged with involuntary manslaughter and sentenced to serve the same amount of time as Phoenix in "cryostasis".

Really? A decorated police officer who has saved countless lives and put away numerous dangerous felons serves the same amount of time as a known murderer and major drug dealer?

I shouldn't mock the methods of 1996 Los Angeles. After all, the city (renamed "San Angeles") becomes a peaceful, virtually crime-free utopia - until August 3, 2032 when Simon Phoenix escapes his probation hearing and begins slaughtering his way through San Angeles.

You see, the police in 2032 are not equipped for dealing with any real crime. Anything bad is considered illegal. Using curse words or coarse language results in a fine, which would pretty much mean my fucking bank account would be in the fucking red most of the time.

Police use the power of verbal assertiveness and stern facial expressions instead of weapons to fight crime.

So when the first murder since September 25, 2010 occurs (that was last year. I remember it well. What a black day.), the decision is made to thaw out the only man to ever bring Phoenix down - John "the Demolition Man" Spartan.

Lieutenant Lenina Huxley (a very cute Sandra Bullock. As if there's any other type of Sandra Bullock) is paired with Spartan because she is addicted to 20th century culture. She surrounds herself with 20th century memorabilia and yearns for some excitement.

Spartan finds himself in a completely foreign world. Taco Bell has won the Franchise Wars, which must have been fought and decided in 1999 when I ate nothing but Taco Bell every day for three months. 

Demolition Man is less a movie and more a prophecy of things to come. The throwaway joke of President Schwarzenegger running America takes on a different meeting in 2011 as The Governator ends his term as governor of Cal-E-Four-Nyah. This joke was referenced again last year in another Stallone flick, The Expendables. In a scene dripping with '80s machismo, Stallone shares a scene with Schwarzenegger and Bruce Willis and says that Arnold's character "acts like he's president," a joke that went over my head, but that the rest of the theater thought was hilarious.

But the biggest change to hit the future is the one that rocks John Spartan the most. When the young Lenina becomes smitten with the Demolition Man in a mix of blind hero worship and wide-eyed awe at a historical artifact from her favorite time in history, Spartan learns that sex isn't the same as it used to be.

Gone is that pesky and disgusting physical contact. Instead, you hook up to a machine and imagine you have intercourse with the person across from you. Thanks, future. But I do that every day. It's called a computer, the internet, and all the time in the world.

Naturally, Spartan is outraged by this lack of getting some and lets his feelings be known with a hilarious bit of '90s specific dialogue that only Stallone could deliver properly as he schools Lenina in the art of old man sex slang. "Boning, the wild mamba, the hunka junka," indeed.

Maybe that isn't the biggest shock to Spartan's system, after all. Maybe it's the fact that sea shells have replaced the use of toilet paper in the future and Spartan has no idea how to wipe with them. 

Part of Demolition Man's fun comes from Wesley Snipes' over the top portrayal of Simon Phoenix. In this movie, Snipes channels a mix of the characteristics that he would later use as Blade, Dennis Rodman, and a bit of the Sidney Deane's cockiness (Wesley's character from White Men Can't Jump).

Has Some Part of My Pop Cultural Soul Been Saved by Seeing This Movie? Yes. It was a fun little movie with a decent idea behind it. According to that wealth of knowledge, wikipedia, the role of Simon Phoenix was originally offered to Jackie Chan and not Wesley Snipes. What a different sort of movie that would have been. Part of me would still like to see Jackie Chan and Sylvester Stallone mix it up onscreen. There's always The Expendables 2, right?

Saved or Failed? Saved

FILM COUNT: 2,032 after last time we met.

+ Demoliton Man, + Avatar, + Just Go With It, + Let Me In, + Inception, + Dinner For Schmucks = 2,038 movies that I have seen in my lifetime.

Next Friday: Avatar

If you have seen Demolition Man, your achievement badge is below. Create a folder on your facebook page titled "Film Geek" and save the image to that folder. You'll be able to track you progress and show the world how geeky you really are. the world how geeky you really are.

Next Friday: Avatar

by RFP

The Quest to Purify My Pop Culture Soul, Vol. 15

City of Angels

starring Nicholas Cage and Meg Ryan

Not too long ago, Paulie Walnuts and I got into a long argument about Scott Pilgrim vs. The World (verdict: I love it, Walnuts: Not so much). One of his main points was that there was no reason that Scott Pilgrim should love Ramona Flowers, let alone engage in all these epic battles and literally risk his life for the right to date her, because there was nothing interesting about her and not much was revealed about her character other than she had 7 angry exes (I didn't agree with him in regards to this movie, but that's a debate for another time).

My response was that movies had been doing this for years, especially romantic comedies. It is a very rare occurrence that a movie establishes a potential love interest's personality in such a way that it makes that person seem worthy of pursuit. In most cases, the audience just accepts any movie love connection because:

a) it's part of the plot of the film

b) some element of a love storyline is present in any traditional fictional movie, so it is expected that the viewer will encounter such a scenario.

c) the majority of the world doesn't obsess over every plot element of Random Movie Z like many on the internet and, thus, no effort is made or even needed on the part of the filmmakers to make such fictional relationships believable.

Honestly, though, should every movie relationship captured on film be explored in such exhausting detail as to prove without a doubt that these characters are absolutely perfect together? Well, no. Because then there would be no time for plot or story. 

And, also, look at your life and all the people that you know. I bet there are more than a few that are in relationships that you don't completely understand. How many times have you said, "what does s/he see in him/her?" Sometimes people fall in love for no apparent reason. So do movie characters.

If you were to overanalyze a movie like "City of Angels" for example, you would go insane. There is no attempt to establish why Nicholas Cage's Seth falls for Meg Ryan's Maggie other than she looks in his general direction one day. There's not a lot of character development with Maggie. She's a surgeon. She has a dog. She rides a bike to work. She's fooling around with a fellow doctor.

That lack of character development is completely on purpose. There's no conceivable way that a character could be fleshed out enough in a two hour time span as to make an angel give up immortality, supernatural abilities, hearing music in every sunrise, and, oh yeah, HEAVEN just to get laid.

As far as popular fictional angels go, Seth is somewhat like Michael (John Travolta) in appearance (but without wings), but nothing like Christopher Lloyd in Angels in the Outfield. There's no need to wave your arms around like a fool. Rest assured, Seth is probably already lurking around in the shadows. He shares more with Death (Brad Pitt) in Meet Joe Black than anything. A supernatural being who yearns to touch and feel love and etc.

If Nicholas Cage's soon-to-be fallen angel, Seth, were a real person, he would be that creeper who checks your facebook page every two hours in order to obsess over every status update so he can pretend to know you. 

Seth plays the role of a voyeur for the first half of the movie, essentially stalking Maggie everywhere she goes. As she has a nervous breakdown in a stairwell after losing a patient, Seth stoops down and gets right in her face as Maggie bawls her eyes out.

Creepy, Sweet, or Heart-warming?

Seth eventually decides to show himself to Maggie, instantly making an impression by being mysterious and enigmatic. He pops up now and then and the two start a tentative courtship.

How will it turn out? One is supernatural and immortal, the other is human and ordinary. One escorts souls to heaven, the other tries to escort people to life.

Ah, but Seth meets a former angel in the hospital, one of Maggie's patients. Seems there's a loophole in the angel contract: like all human beings, angels also possess free will.

As the Seth's secret is revealed to Maggie, she dismisses angels in a horribly written and horribly acted line: "I cannot conceive of it" before storming away.

Since this is a vacuous romantic drama aimed at middle-aged housewives with asexual haircuts, naturally Seth decides to give up his angelic heritage to become a slovenly human with thinning hair who looks suspiciously like Nicholas Cage so that he can be with his soulmate (do angels have souls? do fallen angels have souls?)

*Spoiler alert for a 12 year old movie*

Seth gets to enjoy being human with his lady love for, like, ten minutes until the tragic, ironic tear-jerking twist. 

In one of the most ridiculous deaths I have ever seen (see also: Meet Joe Black - Brad Pitt getting creamed by one car, does a flip in mid-air right into another one), Maggie is riding her BICYCLE when a huge semi-truck hauling logs pulls out of a driveway or something and she runs right into it.

Now, listen: 

1. She's riding a BICYCLE

2. BICYCLES have brakes.

3. Brakes on bicycles tend to stop bicycles from moving rather effectively.

4. Most people, when pedaling a bicycle, move at an astounding rate of 5-10 mph. 

5. That's not very fast.

6. I'm just saying. She could've stopped in time.

7. Or jumped off. Bruises are better than death, most times.

8. A semi hauling logs? Overkill, right? A regular car would've worked, I think

Seth has to deal with the fact that he basically gave up immortality for nothing, but decides that the brief moments that he spent with Maggie were worth it. The chance to touch and feel is worth giving up Heaven. As Seth plunges into the ocean during a sunrise, a joyous smile on his face, his former best angel friend, Casio (like the keyboard, I guess) laughs his approval and it becomes clear that City of Angels is a love story.

But it isn't a love story as in romantic love for another person, it's a love story for living...the love of life and everything that comes with it.

Has Some Part of My Pop Cultural Soul Been Saved by Seeing This Movie? yeah, no...I could have done without this. Really not that great. Wasn't expecting great and my expectations were met. 

As mentioned during my article on Armageddon, City of Angels also features a song that has outlasted the original medium that birthed it. "Iris" by the Goo Goo Dolls is without a doubt their biggest hit and by no means my favorite song that they have written ("Long Way Down"), but it is one of those tunes that will be haunting radio stations for decades. 

Since we're on the subject of music...did they really have to include Sarah Mclachlan's "In the Arms of an Angel" in the movie? It's a bit obvious and actually made me roll my eyes. It also made me want to donate large sums of money to sick children in third world countries. 

Kinda upset that Seth didn't take Maggie out on a date to a diner, where she fakes an orgasm and an old lady sitting nearby declares in a sassy tone, "I'll have what she's having."

After this film, Nicholas Cage switches from Heaven to Hell, starring in Ghost Rider, the story of a man selling his soul to Satan, and the soon-to-be released, Drive Angry, the story of a man escaping Hell to take some vengeance and, by the looks of it, a Ghost Rider rip-off.

Saved or Failed? Failed

FILM COUNT: 2,028 after last time we met.

+ City of Angels = 2,029 movies that I have seen in my lifetime.

Next Friday: The Blues Brothers 

Check back Wednesday, too. There may be something. Or not. Who Knows?

If you have seen City of Angels, your achievement badge is below. Create a folder on your facebook page titled "Film Geek" and save the image to that folder. You'll be able to track you progress and show the world how geeky you really are. the world how geeky you really are.

Can a successful analysis of Lethal Weapon be completed without drawing the extremely obvious parallel between the real-life, sudden insanity of Mel Gibson and the manic-depressive, psychopath that Gibson plays in the popular buddy cop series?

Um. Probably not.

Nonetheless, I plan on ignoring the fact that Mel Gibson has transformed into a hilarious caricature and instead concentrate on the movie at hand. The fact that Mel likes to engage in lengthy, ridiculous rants with his ex girlfriends and star in movies featuring beaver puppets should not tarnish the memory of Lethal Weapon.

For the record, I also plan on ignoring the fact that Gary Busey, who plays one of the main bad guys, the unfortunately named Mr. Joshua, is also batshit crazy. That may be because of his motorcycle accident. Or is it a fictional curse that I shall make up right now....the Lethal Weapon curse. All who starred in the movie shall become unreasonably insane. Watch out, Danny Glover. 

The central gimmick of every buddy cop movie ever made is that the two main characters must be so completely different that they probably have no business working together and, under any other circumstances, would never be friends outside of their occupation.

That fact is driven home right at front. Danny Glover's Sgt. Roger Murtaugh is shown taken a bath at home, when he is rudely interrupted by his wife kids, enthusiastically wishing him a happy birthday. He lives in a beautiful home, with a brand new addition being worked on, in a quiet neighborhood.

In contrast, Mel Gibson's Sgt. Martin Riggs wakes up alone, his only companion a dog and the warm beer he chugs for breakfast. He lives in a trailer on the beach, away from everyone. Riggs' wife was recently killed in an accident leaving him broken and suicidal as shown during his death march up to confront a sniper. 

There you have it. Murtaugh = Loving, family man and by-the-book officer. Riggs = Loose Cannon, unstable. The only thing the men have in common: they're pretty great officers, albeit in their own unique ways.

Riggs and Murtaugh's relationship is established right at the beginning of their partnership.  Murtaugh is lamenting is lousy luck being stuck with such an undesirable partner, leading to this dialogue.

Murtaugh: God hates me. That's what it is.

Riggs: Hate him back; it works for me.

It's a great little character-building exchange and one that makes this series of movies work. No one really cares about the action in these particular movies; they care about how the characters react to the action around them. It should also be said that the characters wouldn't matter at all, if Mel Gibson and Danny Glover didn't have such a likable chemistry together. 

Every few years, a new franchise copying the Lethal Weapon formula pops up, looking to achieve the same sort of success. Some of them succeed ("Rush Hour") and some fall miserably short ("Hollywood Homicide" starring Harrison Ford and Josh Hartnett, "Cop Out" starring Bruce Willis and Tracy Morgan). 

Recent news suggests that Warner Bros is considering rebooting the franchise because that's how Hollywood rolls these days. The last installment appeared in 1998, so obviously Lethal Weapon has completely disappeared from the world's collective mind. Regardless, if this remake does happen, the actors involved will have a hard time filling the well established shoes of Riggs and Murtaugh.

Has Some Part of My Pop Cultural Soul Been Saved? Hell yeah. I probably enjoyed Lethal Weapon way more than I should have. I was so enamored that I watched the second and third installments the next day.

Saved or Failed? SAVED

FILM COUNT: 2,013 after last time we met.

+ How Do You Know, + True Grit, + Lethal Weapon, + Lethal Weapon 2, + Lethal Weapon 3, + Blood Into Wine, + Superman/Batman: Apocalypse, + Surburbia, + Don't You Forget About Me, + Little Fockers = 2,023 movies that I have seen in my lifetime.

Blame a mix of laziness and a busy personal life for a lack of updates this month. You can also look at the debut of our award-winning (not really) podcast as adding to the lack of free time. To make up for it, there's going to be 3 installments of The Quest this week. Next one is Wednesday. We revisit "Bill and Ted's Excellent Adventure"

If you have seen Lethal Weapon your achievement badge is below. Create a folder on your facebook page titled "Film Geek" and save the image to that folder. You'll be able to track you progress and show the world how geeky you really are. the world how geeky you really are.

by RFP

The Quest to Purify My Pop Culture Soul: vol. 11

Tron

starring Jeff Bridges

Between grades 2-4, I spent a lot of time at the local roller skating rink.

It was a selfish decision made solely to enhance my floundering social status as a kraut-headed, four-eyed introvert. My friends spent an inordinate amount of time at the rink, both at the highly anticipated school-sponsered "skate parties" and during the all important open skate nights during the week. 

For roughly three years, I lived to skate. And, by "skate", I mean repeatedly fall down and break my ass. Those days were filled with the self-esteem shattering "couples skate" where the guys would line up against one wall, the girls would line up along the opposite, and when the music began, the girls would skate over and pick their elementary school crushes to skate with.

One single tear.

To this day, when I hear the Dirty Dancing theme song, Jennifer Warnes and Billy Medley's "(I've Had) The Time of My Life" (we'll completely ignore the current Black Eyed Peas cover/reinvention/travesty), I am instantly transported to not being picked by one of the hot girls in the 3rd grade.

When I wasn't falling down or being rejected, I was usually playing one of the awesome arcade games that were spread throughout the rink. Among the gems, the arcade version of the NES classic, Super Mario Bros, Hogan's Alley, and Tron. Remember, this was 1988, so this was quite an impressive line-up.

Tron was one of those classic quarter-eating games that was designed to be impossibly challenging in order to drain poor young men of all their precious silver.

That damn light cycle race thing gave me fits. 

I didn't realize till years later that the game was actually based on a movie. Naturally, 28 years later, Disney has decided to make a sequel to a movie that no one necessarily cared about the first time around for a generation of viewers that have no idea what a "Tron" could possibly be.

Apparently, Disney is well aware that the original may suck and, since they own half of the world, the agents of the Disney Gestapo have tracked down all copies of Tron across the country so that it will not affect the public's perception of Tron: Legacy.

I read one report that Netflix had pulled Tron from their list of available DVDs around six months ago, which isn't true at all. When I first decided to start doing this column every week, Tron was one of the first movies I considered doing. I saw it about two months ago and held off doing talking about it until the week Tron: Legacy was going to be released. Apparently, I may have made it just before the cut off point.

If you take a look at Amazon or Ebay right now, the going rates for a frickin' Tron DVD is right around $100. That Disney.

So if you were able to track down a copy of Tron or own one already and were watching it this week in preparation for this column, chances are a light went off at Disney HQ and they were monitoring the situation. No doubt, the reanimated corpse/part cyborg Walt Disney (kind of like Robocop, I think) was ready to send a tactical strike force crashing through your windows at a moments notice to take you into custody should you invite someone over to watch it with you.

First of all, Tron is the name of the character sporting the blue circuitry lined costume that you see on most of the original movie's promotional materials, but he is actually an ancillary character. The main character of the film is actually Kevin Flynn (Jeff Bridges), a former employee at ENCOM, who was screwed out of millions of dollars after a co-worker stole his designs for some video games that he started developing during his down time.

These games became very successful and Flynn chooses to wallow in his despair by surrounding himself with the very games he created by running an arcade. 

Flynn has tried to hack into ENCOM's systems in order to recover evidence that he had designed those games and not Ed Dillinger, now the company's CEO. His hacking attempts were thwarted by the Master Control Program, a program designed to control ENCOM's computer systems that has somehow gained artificial intelligence. 

Naturally, because the MCP has gained intelligence, it considers itself superior to human beings and thinks it can run the world more efficiently, just like every other sentient computer in the history of film, TV, and popular fiction.

Since Big Brother in George Orwell's 1984 -released in 1948-machines have become obnoxious, egotistical pricks, thinking they're so much better than us frail flesh-bags. 

The Terminator and T-1000, the robots in I, Robot, the machines in The Matrix, the robot armies in Star Wars: The Phantom Menace and Attack of the Clones. There's plenty more that I am probably missing. People are so worried about a so-called "Zombie Apocalypse" that they completely forget about the robots. And that's how they'll get us. Ambush.

At any rate, Flynn breaks into ENCOM headquarters with the help of two disgruntled employees, one which happens to be Flynn's ex, the other is her current significant other and the designer of Tron, a program designed to regulate the MCP.

As Flynn tries to hack into the systems, MCP takes control of an experimental laser designed to digitize real-life objects and sucks Flynn into the world of the computer. It's a world where programs look like their designers and view "users" as god-like beings.

Think of that the next time you appease your voyeuristic tendencies by manipulating your Sims character into doing something degrading for your own amusement. He thinks your a God, man. 

The rest of the movie is spent with Flynn fighting alongside Tron against the MCP and his rogue programs (helpfully colored red because red is EVIL). Plus, there's that matter of escaping cyberspace and reentering reality...a problem most of us have these days.

Has Some Part of My Pop Cultural Soul Been Saved? Nope. There's a good reason Disney doesn't want people to see the original before the new one. It's not that good. The story doesn't really have mass appeal and the once cutting edge special effects look extremely cheap and dated when compared to the modern movie magic. The one good selling point is a young and enthusiastic Jeff Bridges, who is good in every movie that he's ever been in.

I still kind of want to see Tron: Legacy, but it's not because I was amazed by the original.

Saved or Failed? FAILED

FILM COUNT: 2008 after last Friday

+ Tron, +Half Baked = 2,010 movies seen in my lifetime.

The next attempt to redeem my pop culture soul happens next Friday. See the movie and be redeemed along with me. A heartwarming holiday classic on Christmas Eve. Sneak away from your boring family and read all about Bad Santa. 

Wednesday it's the Best of the Worst with Sylvester Stallone and Over the Top. As extra incentive, Wednesday I'll finally reveal the Film Geek chart, so you can see how much of a film lover you really are. Tally up those points.

If you have seen Tron your achievement badge is below. Create a folder on your facebook page titled "Film Geek" and save the image to that folder. You'll be able to track you progress and show the world how geeky you really are.

The Quest to Purify My Pop Culture Soul: Vol. 9

'Forrest Gump'

by RFP

The Quest to Purify My Pop Culture Soul, vol. 8:

'Armageddon'

starring Bruce Willis, Ben Affleck, Liv Tyler, Billy Bob Thorton, Owen Wilson, Steve Buscemi,  Michael Clarke Duncan

Sometimes a soundtrack song is so timeless that it remains as beloved as the movie that it first appeared in. I've composed a list of examples, ranked in no particular order. They just happen to be the first ones that popped into my head (feel free to add others in the comments section)

1. "Footloose" by Kenny Loggins from, obviously, the movie, Footloose

2. "Danger Zone" by Kenny Loggins from Top Gun (which we talked about two weeks ago)

3. "Iris" by Goo Goo Dolls from City of Angels

4. "My Heart Will Go On" by Celine Dion from Titanic

5. "Batdance" by Prince from Batman (1989)

One of those things is not like the other, I confess. 

Then you have another tier of soundtrack songs that completely surpass the popularity of the blockbuster they were recorded for, partly because the song is good, while the movie usually isn't.

I'm not the biggest fan of Aerosmith's "I Don't Want to Miss a Thing", but I also cannot deny the fact that it still gets played on adult contemporary stations with some regularity, while Armageddon seems to have been forgotten, even amongst the ranks of the ever popular primetime basic cable movie.  

It's amazing to me that Steven Tyler has caught such flak amongst the rock community and even from his fellow bandmates for signing on to be a judge on American Idol. The basic argument is that American Idol isn't rock and roll and Tyler is a sell out.

The fact is that Tyler, along with Aerosmith, sold out a long time ago. At least as far back as 1998, when they signed on to perform a song that they didn't even write for a blockbuster summer movie with no intellect and plenty of explosions which went on to make over $550 million worldwide. Not only that, but nearly every scene that features a licensed song was written or performed by Aerosmith. Part of the reason they did this is because Liv Tyler, Steven's daughter, stars in the movie. Make no mistake that the other reason was money, pure and simple.

Personally, I would have thought that the perfect theme song for Armageddon would have been Def Leppard's "Armageddon it". 

At any rate, like Steven Tyler, I don't want to miss a thing, even if it means watching a horrible movie and making a horrible joke like the one included in this sentence.

A quick look at wikipedia shows that exactly Armageddon made $553,709,788 worldwide, which translates into everybody on the planet saw it in the theaters when it was released except for me.

That same quick look shows that Armageddon was nominated for 7 Razzies (the awards for the best of the worst that Hollywood has to offer), including Worst Picture and Worst Screenplay (you can co-create Lost as many times as you want, JJ Abrams, but the blight that is Armageddon will forever pollute your resume). Bruce Willis won for Worst Actor. This translates into a lot of people will pay attention if an object is shiny enough, even if it bears no artistic merit.

Armageddon begins with an intense voiceover explaining that millions (or thousands, depending of which theory of life you subscribe to) of years ago an asteroid hit Earth, causing overall chaos and the extinction of the dinosaurs. 

Cut to the title ARMAGEDDON across the middle of the screen written in flaming letters that come flying at the viewer. The overall vibe of the movie two minutes in is: cheesy.

Meanwhile on Earth, little asteroid fragments are raining on the planet causing expensive property damage and general panic. NASA, led by Billy Bob Thorton, has determined the fragments are stragglers from a gigantic asteroid - dubbed a "global killer" because nothing could survive its potential impact, not even bacteria.

We flash to Harry Stamper (Bruce Willis), our would-be hero, hitting golf balls off his oil rig and at environmental protesters. Didn't he learn anything from Cosmo Kramer's adventures hitting balls into the ocean? You'll plug up a whale's blowhole.

In a few minutes Stamper will discover that his lovely daughter (Liv Tyler) has been carousing with his protege, AJ (Ben Affleck). He'll produce that classic Bruce Willis grimace and proceed to chase AJ all over the oil rig. By the way, Stamper is carrying a shotgun and recklessly firing without any regard to fellow coworkers and future manslaughter charges. It's supposed to be funny, but it just comes off as stupid.

At the end of these knee slapping hi-jinx, a copter representing the president and NASA arrives for Stamper. Turns out NASA wants to recruit Harry because he's the "world's best deep core driller", but, more importantly, they plan on using a drill of his design to bore into the asteroid in order to drop a nuclear bomb into the core of the "global killer". Problem is that model they built keeps malfunctioning. 

Stamper decides to go up into space and drill into the asteroid himself, with a team of his choosing, in order to save the planet. NASA readily agrees. So in 15 days, a team of oil drillers will learn fly into space, land on an asteroid, and handle nuclear weapons, all without little to no training.

Everyone knows how this one ends. Bruce Willis is a ghost. He's been dead all along and only the saucer-eyed little kid can see him. I don't know. That might be another movie. I passed out from boredom and I'm pretty sure I suffered brain damage from the sheer stupidity of Armageddon.

By the way, did anyone else find Ben Affleck's animal cracker analysis of foreplay, the climax (no pun intended) of which ended with Ben jamming a cracker down Liv's pants, extremely creepy? Not only was that whole scene terribly written, but they chose that moment of all times to play "I Don't Want to Miss a Thing". It was like Liv's father was leering over the whole scene. It just stuck me as odd. 

Has My Pop Culture Soul Been Saved By Watching Armageddon? No. Not at all. This is the perfect example of a summer popcorn movie. And not even an enjoyable summer popcorn movie. No fun. Too stupid. Just...yeah, I hated it.

Saved or Failed? FAILED

 

FILM COUNT 2,000 after last Friday

+ Armageddon = 2,001 movies that I have seen in my lifetime.

The next attempt to redeem my pop culture soul happens next Friday. See the movie and be redeemed along with me. Next Friday, Forrest Gump.

Plus, don't forget to check out our new feature, the unfortunately named, possibly soon to be renamed "Quest to Taint My Pop Culture Soul" with Howard the Duck.

If you have seen Armageddon,  your achievement badge is below. Create a folder on your facebook page titled "Film Geek" and save the image to that folder. You'll be able to track your progress and show the world how geeky you really are.

Next Friday, December 3: Forrest Gump

-RFP

by RFP

The Quest to Purify My Pop Cultural Soul, vol. 7

'The Goonies' (1985)

starring Sean Astin, Josh Brolin, Corey Feldman

The Goonies is one of those movies that most people love. The reason they love it is because it reminds them of being a kid. It's about childhood friends having adventures and people can relate to that. Sure, most of us haven't been on a mission to find One Eye Willy's (which, I mean, yuck) buried treasure, but I'm sure all of us can think of numerous other childhood adventures that seemed equally exciting at the time. 

It's also an iconic '80s film that has been referenced numerous times throughout pop culture, whether you realized it or not. 

The Venture Brothers, an Adult Swim cult favorite on Cartoon Network, subtly lifts the themes from the opening of The Goonies for the opening of their show. The Fratellis are the family of criminals and main "bad guys" in The Goonies as well as an alternative band from Scotland, whose music (specifically the song "Flathead) has been featured in ipod commercials. The pop-punk band The Ataris have an album, arguably their most popular, named So Long, Astoria. The Goonies takes place in the "Goon Docks" of Astoria, Oregon.

The Goonies features its own wink to pop culture. When Chunk tries to call the police to report that his friends are hiding out in the Fratellis lair, the on-duty police officer recites a long list of "false alarms" that Chunk had tried to report before - including little furry creatures that multiply when hit with water. Chris Columbus, who wrote The Goonies from a Stephen Spielberg story idea, also wrote Gremlins. Anyone up to see Chunk's secret adventures with Gremlins? Yeah? Me neither.

Important product placement of candy also factors into The Goonies. Chunk befriends Sloth, the super strong, but extremely deformed member of the Fratelli family, by giving him a Baby Ruth, the same candy bar that vacated a swimming pool by the nerve to resemble a turd in Caddyshack. Was the use of the same brand of candy bar meant to signify that Chunk, in fact, looked down upon Sloth as a disgusting abomination and so was, metaphorically in a pop culture referential way, making Sloth eat shit? Discuss.

Sloth is part of the early '80s brotherhood of the deformed. Other members of this group include Jason Voorhees and the Toxic Avenger.

Notice the similarities? They're all separated at birth if you ask me. Same bloodline. 

The plot of The Goonies is simple. A group of kids band together to search for buried treasure in order to pay off a group of land developers who are threatening to evict their parents. Finding the treasure would mean the Goonies would be able to stick together and have more wacky misadventures for the rest of their lives. Or until they become teenagers and all start to hate each other.

I'm not going to go in depth on the plot because I'm sure you've already seen it and, also, I used up all of my Sean Astin jokes in the Encino Man installment in this series.

Has My Pop Culture Soul Been Saved By Watching The Goonies? Honestly, I am pretty sure that I had seen The Goonies before when I was a kid, but I really didn't remember it. I am also pretty sure that it had been on over some person's house at one point, but I was too drunk to pay attention. 

I'm glad I took the time to sit down and watch it. It's not the best movie ever made, but it certainly has that distinct '80s quality to it. The '80s teen movie genre is one of my favorite types of movie, so I definitely enjoyed this.

Saved or Failed? SAVED

FILM COUNT 1,198 after last Friday

+ The Goonies, + Altitude = 2,000 movies that I have seen in my lifetime.

Let me take a second and describe the movie, Altitude, to you in one sentence. A giant sky octopus attacks a small plane. Not as amazing as you would think.

The next attempt to redeem my pop culture soul happens next Friday. See the movie and be redeemed along with me. One of the biggest movies that I have never seen, Armageddon.

Plus, don't forget to check back Wednesday on the biggest bar night of the year for our new feature highlighting the movies you have to be trashed to appreciate, The Quest to Taint My Pop Cultural Soul. It's Wednesday. It's Howard the Duck. Oh yeah.

If you have seen The Goonies, your achievement badge is below. Create a folder on your facebook page titled "Film Geek" and save the image to that folder. You'll be able to track your progress and show the world how geeky you really are.

Friday, November 26: Armageddon

Friday, December 3: Forrest Gump

The Quest to Taint My Pop Cultural Soul

Wednesday, November 24: Howard the Duck

If you have seen The Goonies, please comment about the movie. What you like, what you hate, any other pop cultural nuances you may have noticed within it. Tell your friends to participate too!

-RFP