Miserable Retail Slave

by RFP

You can read #20-15 here

You can read #14-11 here

10. Lord of Darkness (Legend)

The ultimate evil from the Tom Cruise horror Legend. I call it "horror" not because it's scary, but because it is a film abomination. If I remember right, the Lord here is killed with a unicorn horn to the chest. That's not too badass. But the make-up job on Tim Curry is top notch. 

#9 Gremlins (Gremlins, Gremlins 2: The New Batch)

Cute, cuddly teddy bear things at first. But then you go and feed them after midnight and this is what you get. Scaly, reptile things that live for death and destruction. So, if you feed a Mogwai a twinkie at 11:59 and he finishes chewing it before 12, does he still slip into cocoon mode? Just how time sensitive is a Mogwai's stomach?

#8 Regan MacNeil (The Exorcist)

Creepy and disturbing. That just about sums up The Exorcist. Who can deny Linda Blair's equally haunting performance? This is what nightmares are made of. Just don't tell that fried dude from Elm Street that I said that. 



#7 Terminator 

To be clear, I'm not talking about the Arnold-skinned version of the Terminator. I'm talking about the stripped down, true appearance of the Terminator. It's just a metal skeleton with glowing red eyes, but it's hard to deny its coolness factor.



#6 Jabba the Hutt (Return of the Jedi)

He's a fat, slug-like slob who gorges on frogs and keeps his women on short leashes and minimal clothing. He was gangsta before it was cool to be so.



#5 Gollum (Lord of the Rings)

Gollum is the greatest accomplishment of CGI thus far. He's a large part of the Lord of the Rings trilogy and thanks to technology and perfect voice acting, Gollum seems like a living, breathing creature of glutton and greed.



#4 Leatherface (The Texas Chainsaw Massacre)

I prefer the original, you may favor the newer models. Either way, he's a big guy who wears a mask made of human skin and wields a chainsaw to mutilate his victims. Either way, he's pretty frightening.



#3 Freddy Krueger (A Nightmare on Elm Street)

See above. Original, not the newer model. One the most iconic and perfect horror creations ever.



#2 Pinhead (Hellraiser)

I've never seen any of the Hellraiser movies. I don't know the first thing about them. I don't know what Pinhead does or where he comes from. But I do know one thing: he looks pretty sweet, which is good enough for this list.



#1 Predator

When Arnold confronts the alien in the first Predator, it is one of the greatest moments in sci-fi history. The slow removal of the Predator's helmet to reveal the previously unseen face underneath is worth the wait. 

by RFP

If you're like me, you spend the entire month of October devouring horror movies. It's a ritual I started when I was much younger and it has continued to this day. 



This reason is simple. I love horror movies. The blood, the gore, the special effects. Not only that, but there is always a clear cut life between good and evil. Like many, my favorite genre in horror is the slasher movie. It doesn't matter if your vice is Friday the 13th, A Nightmare on Elm Street, Halloween, Scream, etc, you always watch these moves to, essentially, root for the bad guy.



But there's only so many slasher movies you can watch before getting burnt out. You can move on to the other genres: werewolf, vampire, Frankenstein, giant monsters (ex: Godzilla), possession, zombie, alien invasion, but those can get tired as well.



It's always nice to break up the monotony with a unique horror tale. Something completely off the beaten path. Indie horror films are the best place to find original spins on horror, but, as much as I love indie movies, most of the horror ones are truly awful. 



Two of the best indie horror films I have seen in recent years are completely different from any other movie that I have seen. They may not be the best, but the represent a welcome diversion for a few hours.

Teeth was dubbed on the movie as "The most alarming cautionary tale for men since Fatal Attraction" because the horror represented in this movie is something every man fears: losing his penis. 

It's better than it sounds, I promise.

Stuck is something completely different from Teeth. Brandi Boski's (Mena Suvari) life is starting to look up. She's young, having fun, and is line for a promotion at work. Comparatively, Thomas Bardo (Stephen Rea) has lost his job, his apartment, and is denied unemployment. Forced to live on the street, Tom is across the street when a drunk Brandi, who is too busy texting to pay attention to the road, runs into him. He goes through her windshield and remains there, still alive, but dying, because Brandi panics and hides her car in her garage because she doesn't want to get in trouble.

Check out these movies on Netflix or your local video store and let us know if there are any other indie horror movies we should know about.

-RFP

by RFP

If you missed it last week, click here to view # 20-15

14. Candyman (Tony Todd, Candyman, Candyman 2: Farewell to the Flesh, Candyman 3: Day of the Dead)

You have to give actor Tony Todd credit for making the Candyman into an imposing figure. With the wrong actor in the role, you would just have a lame guy wearing an overcoat with a hook for a hand (see: I Know What You Did Last Summer). There's going to be a lot said about Candyman on Friday. You've heard about the Miserable Retail Slave Movie Club, right? Check back then for more on Candyman.

13. The Thing (John Carpenter's The Thing)

Horror movies in the '80s were, in my opinion, more effective in terms of their special effects. With all the advances in technology, movies have used CGI effects as a crutch rather than use basic knowledge of science to create realistic effects. Behold, this clip from The Thing. Nuff said.

12. The Creature From The Black Lagoon (Creature From The Black Lagoon, Revenge of the Creature, The Creature Walks Among Us)

The Creature From The Black Lagoon was released in 1954 and was one of the first movies to be shown in 3-D. This fact always amuses me. 3D has been around since the '50s, but within the last few years it has experienced an amazing resurgence as if it is some sort of cutting edge new technology.

Obviously, the 3D quality has improved over the years, but still. At any rate, take a look at The Creature or "Gill Man" as he is called. Pretty great design. The concept of a humanoid fish man could have resulted in something extremely ridiculous, but whoever created Gill Man's look deserves some kudos. Good work, sir.

11. Alien (Alien, Aliens, Alien 3, Alien Resurrection, Alien vs Predator series)

If you took a cockroach and battered it with radiation for years, it might grow up to look like the alien from the Alien. Not really, I know. The coolest part of the Alien was the little alien tongue that had its own teeth and, seemingly, a life of its own. 

SInce I was a demented little kid, I always imagined that the Aliens lived on the planet Melmac and used to dine on Alf's people for dinner. Seriously. I thought that since bears occasionally eat or attack people, the Aliens did the same thing. Forget the Alien vs. Predators. I want to see my dream project: Alien vs. Alf.

Check out numbers 10-6 later this week as well as our movie club watching "Candyman"

by RFP

We've talked about how movie studios like to use professional wrestling to promote their product. What we have here is something keeping with our Halloween theme, but no less ridiculous than Robocop "wrestling" with Sting.

Around the time that Bride of Chucky, a continuation of the Child's Play series of horror films, was due to be released in theaters, WCW wrestling was busy promoting its annual "Halloween Havoc" pay-per-view. 

Given the phony supernatural vibe given to the Halloween Havoc events, it was only natural that a small robotic puppet be brought in to terrify the audience with awkwardness.

Since, Chucky is a essentially a great special effect, obviously, he couldn't run out to the ring and wrestle Hollywood Hogan.  Instead, he appeared on the big screen interrupting "The Dog-Faced Gremlin" Rick Steiner's promo for an upcoming match.

Seeing Steiner try to interact with Chucky and tell him to "shut the heck up" is just about the saddest bit of cross promotion ever.

by RFP

As part of our celebration of Halloween, we present to you a list of the coolest looking characters from horror and sci-fi movies. The only rules for making this list are 1. Only characters who first appeared in film and 2. They must look cool. 

Sorry Michael Myers. Wearing a Captain Kirk mask that has been painted white does not a cool appearance make. Without further ado...

20. Ghostface (as played by various actors, Scream franchise)

The main disguise of the various murderers throughout the Scream series is simple, yet effective. You take a generic mask of a phantom, give it a knife, and a creepy phone voice and you got yourself a bona fide cinematic serial killer.

19. Chucky (Brad Dourif, Child's Play series)

Everyone had that one toy that just didn't look right. The one that you swore was watching you. The one that you secretly threw under your bed each night because you were afraid of what it would do in the dark. Chucky is the culmination of those fears. A psychotic's mind in the body of a demented-looking little doll.

18. Wolf Man (Lon Chaney, Jr, The Wolf Man, Frankenstein Meets The Wolfman, House of Dracula, Abbott and Costello Meet Frankenstein)

You can keep all your fancy computer-enhanced transformation effects and CGI werewolves. All you need is a talented make-up artist and the patience to spend 3 hours in a chair. This is the first incarnation of a werewolf that I had ever seen and it's still the best. Chaney's portrayal is more man than wolf and it works better than the majority of the werewolf flicks that have been released in recent years.

17. Jason Voorhees (Kane Hodder and various actors, Friday the 13th series)

First he was that deformed guy that came out of the water and dragged the lone survivor of the original Friday the 13th to the bottom of Crystal Lake. Next, he had a bag over his head. Thank God, he stumbled upon an old school goalie mask. Thanks, Jason, for being hockey's biggest fan.

16. Godzilla (various actors, various movies with "Godzilla" in the title)

For the record, this is the world famous Godzilla of 346 different movies and not the T-Rex on steroids as seen in the 1998 US version starring Inspector Gadget himself, Mathew Brodderick.

Godzilla boasts a simple design, whether he be a prehistoric creature awakened from a deep slumber or the unintentional atomic afterbirth created by the carelessness of humans, what you really have is a giant, fire breathing dragon that likes to destroy shit.

15. Frankenstein (Boris Karloff, Frankenstein, Bride of Frankenstein, Son of Frankenstein)

Despite the multitude of Frankenstein-inspired films that followed the original, Boris Karloff played the monster only three times. Yet, his version is the image that most likely pops into your head when someone says the word, "Frankenstein." Iconic is the best way to describe Karloff's performance.

Check back later in the week for numbers 14-11!

-RFP