Miserable Retail Slave

by RFP

American Idol continued its descent into a show no one cares about today by officially announcing that Jennifer Lopez and Steven Tyler will be joining Randy Jackson in deciding who will become America's next top 40 corporate puppet during next season.

Not sure why a press conference and such was needed because everyone knew this was happening a week or so ago when JLo added 12 million more rocks to the ones that she already got. 

Not bad. $12 million for one year to someone who hasn't been relevant in...ever.

As for Steven Tyler, Joe Perry has basically called him a sell-out and compares Idol to a ninja turtle. You may remember Tyler and Perry's (not Tyler Perry of Madea fame) from a band whose songs you may have played in Guitar Hero, which is in no way selling out. It's about the music, right Joe?

Says Perry: 

"It's a reality show designed to get people to watch that station and sell advertising," he says dismissively. "It's one step above (Teenage Mutant) Ninja Turtles.

"I'll tell you one thing, when we put this band together, this is not something that (Steven Tyler) would do,"

You mean Steven Tyler wouldn't try to latch onto a hot fad in order to lengthen his time in the spotlight and make himself even richer?

Run-DMC? That ring a bell?

Quote via The Calgary Herald

by Paulie Walnuts

I knew it would happen. It was only a matter of time before I created a Twitter account. No matter how much I scoffed at the idea, or made fun of the few friends I have who run their own Twitters, the inevitable fact remained that someday I too would be part of the insatiable and irresistible Twitter community.

You see, I’m what you call a hypocritical conformist. I make fun of things for a while until peer pressure and popularity suck me in. A few years ago it was Myspace. Then, Youtube. Then, Facebook. Now I, like millions of others, am a Twit.

I follow various celebrities that I love, such as my favorite actors and athletes. I also follow various celebrities that I really don’t care about, such as Chad Ochocinco and Phil Hellmuth, if for no other reason than their perpetual stupidity makes me laugh. Mostly, though, I created a Twitter so I could follow sportswriters and journalists. Beerwad and I, for years, have enjoyed sharing sports news with one another, but we’ve always taken pride in being first. Just as I hate his guts when he spews forth sports knowledge or the latest news before I learn it, he hates mine when the roles are reversed.

We’ve been competing at virtually everything for nearly 15 years. So, here’s my special message to Beerwad: I started my Twitter first. Boo-ya.

There are a few reasons not to be a Twit, however. For instance, the 140 character limit is far too restrictive. It’s not only annoying when I can’t share my full message, but it advocates illiteracy. Take for example Shaquille O’Neal’s recent post in which he was forced to spell “hoops,” “h-o-p-z.” I’m not sure what he was doing with that “z” in there, or why he felt it was more important than the other “o.” Seriously. If he had said “I’m going to shoot hoop…” it would have been far better and less irritating for anal retentive grammar-nazis such as myself.

Another reason is it can get you into trouble. This, of course, is true of all social-networking sites. Take for example the boob who wanted to prove a point about journalism. Mike Wise, of course, was correct when he claimed that other journalists are easily swayed by misinformation or blatantly false information, and that these various journalists are quick to run stories based solely upon the Tweets of others. However, by running a completely false and tasteless Tweet that Ben Roethlisberger would be suspended by the NFL for five games - and, ironically, successfully proving his point in the process - Mike Wise has put his career in jeopardy.

Don’t do that, kids. I mean, is it really worth it?

I guess he’s not “Wise” at all.

Hey, that’s a good one. Excuse me while I Tweet it. Hopefully I’ll get a few “lols” out of it.

Join up, everyone! Follow me! Ride with me on the fast-track to illiteracy!

http://twitter.com/lividsquid316

-P. Walnuts

See Beerwad's take on Twitter from the archives here.

by RFP

Like most socially inadequate young persons currently residing in the twilights of their twenties, I spend an inordinate amount of time tweeting, facebooking, texting, e-mailing, blogging - generally anything that facilitates communication with another person, but does away with that pesky face-to-face awkwardnesses.

No, I would rather hide behind the blue, soulless glow of a computer screen than risk making eye contact with another human being. Remember, your computer screen watches, but never judges.

Facebook is a great way to catch up with old friends (i.e. see who got fat and ugly), meet new people (i.e. stalk unsuspecting targets without the threat of a restraining order), and inform your friends about important moments in your life (i.e. let everyone know every little detail of your life, including your current emotional fragility, your opinions on Demi Lovato, and the size and contents of your latest bowel movement).

Because most people compulsively check their Facebook pages 4-15 times a day, Hollywood hopes that you'll run out and throw piles of money at your nearest box office to see "The Social Network." 

The Social Network is a story about the origins of Facebook, starring Jesse Eisenberg (Zombieland, Adventureland, anything with land in the title), Justin Timberlake (Black Snake Moan, Alpha Dog, Nipplegate '04) and, the new and improved Spider-Man, Andrew Garfield.

Sadly, this film is in no way, shape, or form a fictionalized account of Facebook's history (sarcasm implied), so there was no room for the fan favorite Bill Murray in zombie drag bit. 

Directing is David Fincher (Fight Club, Se7en, The Curious Case of Benjamin Button), whose involvement gave me hopes of seeing Andrew Garfield's head in a box or Eisenberg beating the shit out of Timberlake and declaring "I felt like destroying something beautiful," but, alas, I know that it is not meant to be.

By the way, can you imagine putting Michael Cera and Jesse Eisenberg in a room together and having an awkward-off. Just the two of them, softly muttering mildly witty statements to each other in a completely vacant room. Just imagine all the pathetic social bumbling that would ensue. Hollywood, I know you're reading. I'm willing to sell you this pitch for a minor fee. But I digress.

Watching the trailer, two things caught my attention:

1. Eisenberg's rationale for creating Facebook, which seems to completely ignore the existence of myspace: "People want to go on the internet and check out their friends, so why not build a website that offers that. Friends, pictures, profiles. I'm talking about taking the whole social experience of college and putting it online."

Well, I thought the whole "whole experience of college" was going out and having unique experiences and meeting new people. Finding yourself, if you will. Not to manage random sex with strangers and binge drinking. All of which cannot really be fully enjoyed whilst lurking behind a computer screen.

Also, I researched the origins of Myspace and Facebook (meaning I looked it up on wikipedia) to see which one came first. The entry is somewhat vague, but from what I gather it was Myspace. Really doesn't matter now that Myspace is a wasteland of deserted profiles and crappy local bands. Obviously, Facebook won the war. 

2. The cover of Radiohead's "Creep" really fits the trailer well and, the more I think about it, fits the entire Facebook experience.

This song was actually the entire basis for this article, but you had to swim through 500 words to get here. Sorry.

The cover is by a Belgian girls choir dubbed Scala and Kolacny Brothers. 

This song is a PG cover of "Creep" with the word "fucking" expertly lifted and replaced with "very". 

The lyrics: "I wish I was special/ You're so very special/ But I'm a creep/ I'm a weirdo/ What the hell am I doing here?/ I don't belong here." 

If those lyrics as performed by a group of adolescent girls do not speak to the lonely, faux-social communication of Facebook, I don't know what will. 

Here's the trailer, so you can finally see what I've been rambling about. 

-RFP

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