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A Story of One Man's Kryptonite
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by Trigger
F*ck spiders! F*ck them in their stupid little spider faces with their gazillion eyes, their freaky ass pinchers, and their web squirting ghetto booty's.
I was working today as most of us normally do on a Tuesday morning when I happened upon the lair of Shelob. You'll remember her from the Lord of the Rings movie. Yeah, she ate people, err...orcs. Whatever... They had two legs just like me!
There I was in the middle of a billboard, forty feet up in the air, staring down Candice Bergen's love luge. My objective is down that tunnel of terror, and to do my job I HAVE to crawl my ass back there. So, I testosterone up and contort my now emboldened torso into the silky breech. Do you know how fast a “moment” interrupted by a juicy fart can become awkward? Well that's how fast I was outta there - I couldn't do it.
I thought to myself, “I am a grown ass man and I'm terrified of a little arachnid?”. You're damn right self, you're damn right. So I call upon my crew-member (no not "that" member), and he helps, all the while spouting off about how much of a puss I am. I deserved it.
Kiss my ass, spiders. Oh how I would like to go back to that dreadful place with a super soaker and five gallons of diesel fuel. I'd kill so many of those little helpless bastards that British Petroleum would seem like a poster child for PETA.
So do me a favor everybody- Squish a daddy long leg, let it rain I don't care. Trap an innocent spider in a glass jar until it suffocates. Tear their legs off one by one. Because I sure as hell ain't gonna do it. I'll be the little girly man cowering on the couch whimpering in fear.
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