Miserable Retail Slave

by RFP

Jessica Alba.

She's beautiful. No doubt about it. She may also be the most talented creative force working in movies today.

In December's issue of Elle magazine, Alba has this to say about acting:

"Good actors, never use the script unless it's amazing writing. All the good actors I've worked with, they all say whatever they want to say."

Let that quote sink in for a minute.

The next time you see a movie that Jessica Alba is in, just remember, she's up there spitballing lines at will. Just off the top of her head. It's like an improv class, that movie set, but with a hundred million dollar budget. There's no need to hire screenwriters, Jessica Alba is here.

This pretty much explains why Idle Hands, Honey, Fantastic Four, Into the Blue, 4: Rise of the Silver Surfer, Good Luck Chuck,  and The Love Guru are all such cinematic classics. 

Quick, what's your favorite Jessica Alba flick? The one where she bares her midriff? Ah, yes. That's my favorite too. I always thought that Jessie A got some movie roles primarily because she is a beautiful woman with a rocking body. 

My bad. I wasn't supposed to objectify her body in Into the Blue, I was supposed to respect her uncredited script rewrites. 

Alba's off the cuff rapier wit singlehandedly turned Good Luck Chuck into a broad piece of hilarity. My chuckles were increased to guffaws, thanks to Jessica.

Just sit back and enjoy the broad, Shakespearian strokes that Alba paints with her razor-sharp mind, as she dazzles the audience with her poetic skills in Idle Hands.

No. Really. What's your favorite Jessica Alba flick? One of the Fantastic Four movies? A hundred plus million dollar potential franchise of a beloved comic book property in which a major studio pins its financial hopes for the next ten years is a brilliant place for the former star of Dark Angel to practice her conversation skills. 

She just says what she wants. Sure, Sin City and Machete are tagged as "Robert Rodriguez films," but we all know who should have gotten the credit, don't we?

Have I made my point through enough exaggerated sarcasm? The fact that Alba says actors just say whatever they want is laughable. The fact that Alba would be allowed to say whatever she wanted is hilarious. She is not Al Pacino, I'm afraid.

Although I will give her some credit. She may have improvised these lines from Honey:

" I like that. Your flavor's hot."

"It was everything I always wanted. But when I had got it, it felt like nothing, less than nothing."

That is deep. Less than nothing. That's like...not much.

-RFP

by RFP

American Idol continued its descent into a show no one cares about today by officially announcing that Jennifer Lopez and Steven Tyler will be joining Randy Jackson in deciding who will become America's next top 40 corporate puppet during next season.

Not sure why a press conference and such was needed because everyone knew this was happening a week or so ago when JLo added 12 million more rocks to the ones that she already got. 

Not bad. $12 million for one year to someone who hasn't been relevant in...ever.

As for Steven Tyler, Joe Perry has basically called him a sell-out and compares Idol to a ninja turtle. You may remember Tyler and Perry's (not Tyler Perry of Madea fame) from a band whose songs you may have played in Guitar Hero, which is in no way selling out. It's about the music, right Joe?

Says Perry: 

"It's a reality show designed to get people to watch that station and sell advertising," he says dismissively. "It's one step above (Teenage Mutant) Ninja Turtles.

"I'll tell you one thing, when we put this band together, this is not something that (Steven Tyler) would do,"

You mean Steven Tyler wouldn't try to latch onto a hot fad in order to lengthen his time in the spotlight and make himself even richer?

Run-DMC? That ring a bell?

Quote via The Calgary Herald