Miserable Retail Slave

by RFP

One of These Things is NOT Like the Other...

When I was growing up, Mike Tyson was the baddest mofo on the planet.

I had some pretty hip parents growing up. My parents watched MTV all day long, rented the biggest movie releases on VHS the day they came out, blasted hair metal driving down the road, and had subscriptions to every major premium channel. 

For whatever reason, they also happened to be fans of boxing. So, during Iron Mike's seven fight contract on HBO, I was there for every punch.  He was the most dominant boxer I have ever seen, which, honestly, isn't saying much. After Tyson's fall from grace and my parents crossing over from hip thirty somethings to conservative parents, seemingly overnight, resulting in the premium channels being canceled because they were "too expensive", I really didn't watch many more bouts.

I'm no expert, so maybe the "unbeatable" factor that sits squarely in my mind is the result of a wide-eyed boy watching this monster of a man punch the hell out of people and the constant hype surrounding him.

I mean, really, how unbeatable could he be? Little Mac whooped his ass with no problem.

I wonder what my parents' generation and the generation before them thought of Kid Dynamite. After all, they had the privilege of watching the legendary Muhammad Ali in action. Muhammad Ali seemed to be a walking event. Even win he lost, Ali still seemed like a winner.

After epic battles with George Foreman and Leon Spinks in the '70s, the only opponent left for Muhammad Ali to take on was...Superman.

Of course.

The story begins with Clark Kent, Lois Lane, and Jimmy Olsen prowling an inner city neighborhood looking for Muhammad Ali. 

They find him schooling some kids in hoops. Lois asks him for an interview and an alien appears from nowhere. The alien (from the race Scrubbs. I'm not joking. Insert TLC joke here) declares humans as the most savage people in the galaxy and challenges Earth's greatest champion to take on their greatest champion.

Naturally, Superman and Ali start to bicker about which one of them is Earth's greatest champion. 

Ali pulls out the immigration card, saying that he is Earth's champion because Superman is from Krypton. Oh, how topical.

Superman whines, "C'mon, I'm a naturalized Earthman! I've been granted citizenship in every nation in the U.N.!"

After trying to destroy St. Louis, the alien tells Superman and Muhammad Ali that the two of them will box to determine who Earth's champ is and the winner will go on to fight the Scrubb champion. If they refuse, the alien and his armada will decimate the planet. 

Consequently, the battle will take place on the Scrubb home planet, which orbits a red sun. Nerds will tell you that the rays from a red sun can take away Superman's powers. 

Naturally, Ali starts to talk shit to Superman. "Box you? No, man, I'm not gonna box you...I'm gonna whup you"

Superman talks shit back, "You may be the greatest heavyweight who ever lived...but I'm Superman! I change the course of mighty rivers...bend steel in my bare hands...and that's just for openers."

What a pompous ass. I don't know if the goal of that speech was to get the reader to root for Ali to beat on the ultimate boyscout, but that's the effect it had on me.

Ali trains Superman in "the sweet science" (aka boxing) and then are transported to the alien planet to fight.

What happens?

Superman gets his ass handed to him.

By the end of the story, Muhammad Ali has beat Superman almost to death, defeated the super strong alien champion in a boxing match, and deduced Superman's secret identity.

Yes, where Lois Lane has been blissfully unaware for countless years, Ali put two and two together within minutes of meeting both Clark Kent and Superman.

The debate now remains. Since Ali beat Superman and Joe Frazier beat Ali, could Joe Frazier beat Superman in a boxing match? Or, if you want to get even dorkier (if that's possible), could Rocky beat Superman in a boxing match? Hmmm. Discuss.

Apparently, DC comics plans to release a hardcover reprint of the "classic" match-up sometime this fall. So save your pennies.

For more Mike Tyson: "Mike Tyson's Interview" by Beerwad

by RFP

When Captain America debuted in December 1940 (a year before Pearl Harbor and America officially joined the war), he was shown on the cover of the premiere issue of Captain America Comics punching Adolph Hitler in the face.

America was completely un-PC in the 1940s when it came to matters of war.

Daffy Duck was shown in cartoons smashing Hitler over the head with a hammer. Bugs Bunny tangled with Japanese soldiers. Batman and Superman pimped the purchase of war bonds and stamps on the covers of their comics.

Wouldn't it have been great to see Spongebob throw dynamite down Kim Jong Il's pants? Who wouldn't want to see Captain America bounce his shield off Osama Bin Laden's nasty bearded face?

Everyone apparently

I really wish America was still like that sometimes. We're so careful about offending each other these days. All it takes is two people writing a nasty letter and the entire nation has to be bent and shaped to match the wishes of those two people.

The only cartoon characters to respond to the attacks of the Taliban after 9/11 were Stewie Griffin and Toby Keith. That's shameful really. An attack on America in one of the world's most famous cities and we can't even show the Powerpuff Girls tossing some al Queda into a tarpit or something.

Maybe my ideas are wild. Certainly there are some drawbacks to rampant propaganda. A lot of times the posters and cartoons of the '40s crossed a line, turning enemy soldiers, particularly the Japanese, into inhuman monsters.

However. A person like a Hitler or an Osama Bin Laden really cannot be turned into more a monster than they are/were in real life.