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Your Beard is Weird
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by Xena
Viva La Lampiño!!!
Beginning October 1st and continuing until April 1, my husband (Trigger) and Beerwad have a quasi-tradition to celebrate their manliness, known as “Beard Season”. I believe that last year was the first “Official” Beard season that my husband took part in, though I believe Beerwad has been at it for years.
I much prefer the “Anti-Beard” season, as I am the type of woman that enjoys my man to be clean shaven and baby faced. I really don't enjoy loads hair, be it on the head, face or back. And I have come to find out that I am in the minority. I have never taken part of a formal study, and surprisingly the internet is truly void of accurate results, but the majority of women that I have talked to prefer a man with a bit of beard.
So, I've decided to delve deeper into the world of facial hair and find what makes women so intrigued by it. I mean- maybe I am missing something here. Maybe I just haven't seen the right combo of man and beard that makes the clouds part, the sun shine and the little birdies chirp.
Step one: Identify the different categories and sub-categories of facial hair. Step Two: Find a perfect example of said facial hair. Step Three: Wait for the sparks to ignite in my female regions.
I. The Full Beard
A. Unkempt:
B. Neatly Trimmed
C. Manicured Scruff
II.The Goatee
A. Standard Goatee
B. The Musketeer
C. The Pharoah
III. Chin-Only Hair
A. The Soul Patch
B. Chin Strap
C. The Caterpillar
IV. The Moustache
A. The Magnum PI
B. Pencil Thin
C. The Fumanchu
D. The Handlebar
E. Third Reich
So, after doing extensive beard research, nothing. No sparks flying, no moist panties. Mostly I just got a really good laugh and a way to kill a few hours on a boring afternoon.
Maybe I should be embarrassed by it, try to hide my true nature, but I really don't care. I love a clean shaven, baby faced man. Sue me. Viva La Lampiño!!!
-Xena
Paulie Walnuts' Excrement List
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Paulie Walnuts’ Excrement List
I’m Still Here: The Upcoming Documentary of Joaquin Phoenix’s Transition from Actor to Rapper
Yes. It’s true. As far as the media can tell, this is not a prank. There is a documentary coming out about Joaquin Phoenix.
Two years ago, the well-known and well-regarded actor retired from the silver screen. Apparently, as alluded to by the documentary’s title, Phoenix is not yet done with the spotlight.
Personally, I can’t stand blatant ploys for attention. The very idea of this documentary, directed by Casey Affleck, makes me cringe. I always thought Phoenix was a good actor, but I vehemently scoff at this move.
Now, to me, he’s nothing more than a male version of Lindsay Lohan.
First of all, Joaquin, you’re old. Second of all, you’re white. Third of all, you have a harelip.
No one cares. I’ve never heard him rap, and I don’t need to. In fact, I never want to. But, because this is such an odd occurrence, I’ll probably watch the documentary.
Check out the trailer. He has a beard of pubes. And an impressive beer gut.
Joaquin Phoenix, you sir are, for lack of a better term, excrement. Excrement, I say.
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