Miserable Retail Slave

by Abe

 There was once a hallowed tradition I honored long ago. It involved pre game drinking at my apartment before karaoke night on Tuesdays/Wednesdays and Guitar Hero 1 and 2. This allowed me to save money and enter karaoke night with a brazen sense of showmanship. Walking into the bar with beer on my breath and the low lights scrolling toward me like the colored note charts of those games; it was just like another gig to me, just another time to shine. 

Two players, two plastic guitars…those were the days. On the other side of the cash register there was big money to be made in music vide games. Soon the simplicity of cutting heads Crossroads-style via plastic guitar controllers was overshadowed by the alluring cooperation of Rock Band. Now it was your duty to find two guitarists, a drummer and a singer to drive that score through the roof. Forget karaoke night, Rock Band is bringing back the house party because everyone wants a turn on those drums. The game that gave my Playstation 2 hours and hours of playability also spawned a competitor series that made me go next generation and let that boxy old PS2 collect dust. 

By the time I was able to afford my PS3, Rock Band 2 was already on retailer’s shelves and that is where I started my love/hate relationship with the game. At this time I was living in a place where there were no neighbors above or below and there was nothing but rocking out. I was blessed with band mates who either too scared of the drums, or expert level on guitar which allowed me to helm the plastic percussion like it was my job. In bittersweet fashion after being laid off from my real job it may as well have been my career. 

"On Tour" February 2009

In true Behind the Music fashion this high score drummer fell to various life changes and me and my video games found ourselves crammed into a bedroom above my dad’s garage. This was great news for not keeping anyone awake, horrible news for the rest of the band. As the days went on my instruments were hidden away and soon buried under laundry. My fake plastic drums would peek out from a bed sheet and taunt me for being washed up and lonely. It was right, and soon I found solace in NCAA football and 40 oz Miller Lites. 

Abe Alguire cira February 2010 (artist's rendering)

Like any has been rocker things have been looking up and there is always one or two opportunities for redemption. Although I am now in an apartment with neighbors all around me like the tiny fake fans I used to have the band equipment is still hidden away in that bedroom above that garage. The Rock Band world still goes on. Since I played the game last there has been new songs released for purchase each week and even the introduction of the Rock Band Network which allows publishers to introduce even more DLC. As Journey said once a long

time ago, and once too many on recent jukebox plays, the wheel in the sky keeps on turning. 

Rock Band 3 is on the horizon and with it comes the familiar set up plus the addition of three part vocal harmonies, and a keyboard like controller. There is an introduction of an all new Pro mode of play. According to the game’s website is supposed to transcend the normal mode of play and “empower the players to develop actual musical skills through the fun of Rock Band Pro game play.” When I first read this I felt excitement.

This was a music game wet dream.  Then I felt stupid because no matter what Harmonix came up with next I wasn’t 24 anymore. I didn’t have the money to spend on these stupid plastic instruments and I can’t invite people over to play music games because I will be evicted. I hope someone enjoys Rock Band 3 like I enjoyed Guitar Hero 1 and 2 and I hope they appreciate the times when they are all able to get together as a band and not worry about anything before they hit the bar for some karaoke. Any one up for some NCAA?

-Abe Alguire

by RFP

Mean Girls was a movie released to theaters in 2004

Mean Girls is also a Nintendo DS game to be released to stores in June 2010.

Someone dropped the ball somewhere.

Apparently the Lacey Chabert fans of the world were clamoring for a digital version of the mean girl and the response was so overwhelming a video game was developed to appease those rabid acolytes.

If one were to cruise the Party of Five fan sites and message boards, I am sure you would find an enthusiastic response to this release filled with happy emoticons  and misspelled fanboy jubilation.

 But the best part of this wtf release is the mini-controversy that has come along with it.

Lindsay Lohan, the broken shell of a human being that was the star of the film and is the main character in the game, is nowhere to be found on the game's box cover. 

Come on, Nintendo. She could use the money to buy things to snort up her nose to pay her bills.

As a comparison, take a look at the movie poster and then the game box. Both feature Amanda Seyfried (Jennifer's Body), Rachel McAdams (Wedding Crashers, Sherlock Holmes), and Lacey Chabert (Party of Five and um, Mean Girls). But only one has the Lohan.

I'm gonna take a stab at fabricating my own controversy. Nintendo hates gingers. Pure and simple. Doesn't like any of them Night Walkers.

Red Heads Unite. Overthrow Nintendo.

-RFP

You can buy the movie and the game from clicking over to Buy This Stuff. A portion goes to this site here.

by RFP

Sudden Infant Death Syndrome, biological warfare, gingivitis, France, stem cell research, Oprah, nuclear weapons, waterboarding, and the overall decline of Western Civilization are among the many horrors that human beings face as a result of violence in video games.

After all, people are mindless drones prone to march to the sound of anybody's beating drum provided the drum is loud enough and the beat is bumpin' enough.

As a child, the perfect gift was the Nintendo Entertainment System. Thanks Mom and Dad, you guys ruined my life.

I was all of 8 years old when my tiny hands first grasped the rectangular magnificence of a Nintendo controller.

I was just a soulless husk of a person back then and my mind was a blank slate ripe for someone to etch the rules and regulations of life. Children and their older counterparts, the species known as 'teenager' (pronounced 'angst'), do  not have any sort of common sense or knowledge of right and wrong.

Sure enough, days after playing Super Mario Bros, I began stomping any turtle that I happened to come across. It was like an involuntary reflex. 

I kid, I kid. I'm being facetious. No turtles were harmed in the writing of this article, back off PETA.

The notion that video games turn normal people crazy or make crazy people crazier is an idea that the media has latched onto for years. Whenever some kid does some terrible things it's some part of pop culture that is responsible.

The one thing even worse than violence in video games is sex in video games.

You can't show sex in video games. It might cause the impressionable 12-18 year olds that play 'M' rated games to want to have sex. Being a former 12-18 year old boy, I can tell you with some authority that practically everything from linoleum to pillow cases makes a teenage boy want to have sex.

A few years back a big ol' controversy was set a brewing by the "Hot Coffee" mini-game in Grand Theft Auto: San Andreas. 

It was programmed into the game, but later scrapped because I am sure the developers of GTA didn't want to deal with the headaches that a mini-game in which you could control the sex position of the game's main character would cause.

The code was left into to the game because it was expensive to take out and in order to get to it, you had to jump through 4 hours worth of hoops. I'm sure the developers thought that someone would rather actual go out and try to have sex or watch porn than to waste half their day to get to this scene.

Obviously, too much credit is given to the geeks of the world. Of course someone found out how to access and posted step-by-step instructions of how to get to it. It became major news and the sky was falling and oh God, the children!

But.

I have heard absolutely nothing about God of War III. A game in which you can do the same exact thing and it's a part of the game. No hoops to jump through. You press buttons when they come on the screen in order to properly f*** the goddess of love. The actual sex isn't shown, just two topless lesbians making out and the sound of moaning.

I'm sure someone's kid at some news station will come across it and the media will declare the apocalypse is upon us. In the meantime, watch the vid of the scene by clicking on the link here.

-RFP