Miserable Retail Slave

by RFP

In the promos for tonight's Christmas episode of "Family Guy", Stewie and Brian are shown on a snowmobile, sliding towards Santa's workshop at the North Pole.

Stewie looks up at the sky and makes a funny little pun, "Look, it's the Aurora Boreanez." Hanging there in the sky is David Boreanez, the star of Fox's anthropological detective show, Bones, surrounded by a green halo of light.

It's a fun little joke and a nice little piece of cross-promotion. More importantly, it doesn't feel like it's out of place in Family Guy at all. It's the type of gag that the show does on a regular basis.

You know what would seem out of place? If Stewie Griffin appeared on Bones.

That's exactly what happened in May 2009. This is what is called "shameless cross promotion" as Stewie was widely hyped in the promos for that show and numerous magazines and online forums. No doubt Fox was counting on the ratings bump by Family Guy fans and other new viewers who were attracted by the publicity and were curious to see how this potential train wreck would work itself out.

Obviously, the plot of the show needed a viable reason for an animated figure to come walking across the screen. In that episode, the title character, Bones, asks Boreanez's character, Booth, to be the father a child with her. Biological clocks ticking and all that.

The stress from that question and a brain tumor lodged in Booth's head naturally manifested in the form of Stewie Griffin.

I guess it's only a matter of time before Cleveland Brown of "The Cleveland Show" is shoehorned on an episode of "Glee". Probably some horrible and borderline offensive choral arrangement of "Ebony and Ivory".

-RFP

For other shameless bits of cross promotions, click the links!

Superman vs. Muhammad Ali

Robocop Wrestles!

Chucky from Child's Play harasses wrestler, Rick Steiner.

by RFP

KFC has adopted a new campaign that will surely piss off people who lead such worry-free lives that they have to manufacture outrage at insignificant events that do not impact them in the slightest.

In order to promote their heartattack-in-faux-sandwich form, the Double Down, KFC has started paying attractive college women $500 at Spalding University in Louisville to wear tight sweat pants with the words "DOUBLE DOWN" emblazoned on their rears.

It seems like a win-win situation for all involved. 

Young ladies are able to make some extra cash. KFC gets cheap ad space. Guys get to stare at the butts of cute women.

Will any of this ultimately make more people want to eat a Double Down? Of course not. 

It's fun to think that some overpaid buffoon thought this would be the answer to KFC's financial troubles. 

You want to get through to college students. Let me do it. I'll make a series of commercials in which I inform college kids that KFC is a great hangover food. I can't tell you how many times I consumed a 6 piece bucket of greasy KFC original recipe chicken after tear one off the night before. Instant hangover relief. Sure, I felt like a disgusting hog doing it, but, you gotta do what you gotta do.

So if you're a hottie in need of some cash and not in the Louisville area, never fear! KFC plans on expanding their promotion to 3 more college campuses soon.

Also, there's some joke to made about chicken heads advertising chicken, but I am too sophisticated to make it.

You can read more about this at USA Today.

by RFP

Sometimes a great movie title that explains it all is enough to get people excited about an upcoming project. Snakes on a Plane, springs to mind. 

Boy Scouts Vs. Zombies is another one. Empire is reporting that the director behind such cinematic Disney classics such as The Game Plan (The Rock finds out he's been a deadbeat dad) and Race to Witch Mountain (The Rock tries to get to Witch Mountain before everyone else?), has signed on to direct a movie about Boy Scouts. And apparently the zombie slaying they do in their spare time.

Boy Scouts are trained in the art of tying neat knots and starting fires with by rubbing two sticks together, so they should have no problem with dispatching the undead. 

Perhaps the Boy Scouts will be revealed to be a secret society of zombie slayers who train in the woods in order to survive the impending zombie apocalypse. 

Who knows. It certainly sounds quirky. Look for it during awards season in a few years.

Also, in awesome horror related news: Giant Pigs.

With the curly fucking tails and those obnoxious snoring noises they make when they walk around, those little pink bastards are truly the most terrifying creatures on Earth.

Especially with a name like Chawz.

That's not a joke. That's the actual title. It's a Korean number being imported here by Magnet Releasing. The VP of the company says, "If 'Jaws' was looking to branch out to dry land, without a doubt he'd want to be 'Chawz.'"

Without a doubt.

by Paulie Walnuts

In case you haven’t heard, the freak of nature known as Lady Gaga has captured headlines again. She wore a meat dress to MTV’s Video Music Awards Sunday night. Yes, you read it right – a dress composed of meat.

Upon first hearing this preposterous news, I imagined the whole charade was some sort of political statement against the treatment of animals or something. After all, being vegan is the new fad. With all the celebrities out there trying to take a stand against eating meat, I figured Lady Gaga was hopping on board, too. I mean, the thought of someone wearing clothing composed of raw meat makes me a little nauseous and therefore less likely to eat it.

So of course, because I’m a lemming, I had to check it out. It appears, to me, that the dress only looks like meat. But I wasn’t at the VMAs, so who knows.

But seeing a picture of the freak show wasn’t enough for me. I had to read what she said about it, and she didn’t disappoint: “It is a devastation to me that I know my fans who are gay...feel like they have governmental oppression on them. That's actually why I wore the meat tonight. As you know, I am the most judgment-free human being on the earth. It has many interpretations, but for me this evening, it's ‘If we don't stand up for what we believe in, we don't fight for our rights, pretty soon we're gonna have as much rights as the meat on our bones.’”

So, my interpretation is that she wore a meat dress to advocate those who like “meat” – if you know what I’m talking about *wink, wink.*

Or, perhaps, she wore a meat dress because: A), she’s a freak; and B), she’s an attention whore.

PETA has since issued a G-rated statement to express their mild disapproval: “Meat is the decomposing flesh of a tormented animal who didn't want to die, and after a few hours under the TV lights, it would smell like the rotting flesh it is and likely be crawling in maggots – not too attractive, really.”

Why, I ask, does PETA always try to use scare tactics to get people to join the dark side? Can’t they just let people like Lady Gaga scare people for them?

I know I’ll never look at steak the same way again – not after seeing a nice bloody slab of it draped over her head.

-Walnuts

More Gaga:

Lady Gaga Is Not As Talented As An 11 Year-Old

A Short Rant About Lady Gaga (Now With 35% More Swearing)

WTF? Lady Gaga's Lobster Head

 by Paulie Walnuts

This happened whilst 17-year-old baseball star Bryce Harper was busy signing his $10 million contract with the Washington Nationals.

This happened whilst Eli Manning’s head menstruated upon the new football field in New York.

This happened whilst RFP was choking his chicken to Misty Mundae’s Lord of the G-Strings.

The stars aligned and something amazing caught my attention. I have to share it.

This, my friends, is the greatest thing I have ever seen.

Watch it in its entirety and I guarantee you’ll say, “What the..?”

And then, when you’re done, enjoy the remix.