Miserable Retail Slave

by Paulie Walnuts

As I stated in my Essay on Lost, part of what makes the program so great is its use of the internet as a promotional tool. The writers and developers implemented many little online games that viewers could take part in. These games are most commonly referred to as The Lost Experience.

Perhaps the most entertaining and fun idea for The Lost Experience is “Lost University.” Here, viewers can “enroll” in the fictional online university, and take part in various “classes.” Examples of these classes are: History 101, Ancient Writing on the Wall; Language 101, Foreign Language for Beginners; Philosophy 101, I’m Lost Therefore I Am; Physics 101, Introductory Physics of Time Travel; Science 201, Jungle Survival Basics; and Physics 301 Seminar, New Physics with Jeremy Davies.

“Students” take part in these classes through the use of their Blu-Ray player and Lost: Season 5. This sucks for me because I don’t have a Blu-Ray player. But, if you do, check it out and take part.

If not, you can still check out the site, enroll, and take a placement test.

Personally, I think it would be pretty fun to “graduate” from Lost University (Est. 2004), but I can’t really justify buying a Blu-Ray player and another copy of Lost: Season 5.

by Paulie Walnuts

Lost is one of the most successful and entertaining programs in television history. The writers are brilliant, conjuring a storyline that is uniquely mysterious, yet somehow believable enough to hold the attention of dedicated viewers for six years. Those who have watched from day one have become addicts, perpetually obsessed with the idea of seeing the show through to its end. The program spawned an online phenomenon as well, as viewers began taking part in discussions on message boards and countless websites dedicated to solving the conundrum. Questions such as, “What is the island?” and “What is the black smoke?” have tortured not only dedicated viewers, but those who lost (no pun intended) interest long ago.

Perhaps of more interest to critics, however, is the mystery of what exactly makes this show so popular. This is also a mystery that plagues ABC’s program developers. Lost has inspired numerous rather unsuccessful “spin-offs,” such as Flash Forward, V, and most recently Happy Town. These programs implement the same writing techniques, the most obvious being the shroud of mystery and the suggestion of supernatural influence. The sublime (or what cannot be grasped/comprehended by the human mind) has always been attractive to us. Readers, critics, scholars, and viewers feed off this idea, and professional writers/developers are well aware of it. Therefore, the mark of any successful television series (outside of comedic sitcoms) is its dabbling in the paranormal or, perhaps more accurate, its reliance upon what cannot be easily understood. Examples of this ideal include X-Files, Twin Peaks, and Heroes. The sciences of war, government, and politics are other examples of the sublime. Shows like Alias, 24 and M*A*S*H delve into these subjects, although M*A*S*H served more as a relief from the terrors of war, offering comedy instead of the brutality and turmoil commonly associated with war.

So, then, why is it that Lost has entertained such widespread and long-term success, while other programs continue to fade into obscurity? Why did people lose interest in Daybreak? Why has the Heroes franchise all but fizzled out? Why can’t viewers stay interested in Flash Forward or V, despite their best attempts at liking these programs? They’re all, in some way, re-adaptations of the same plot structure. So what is it, then? The vagueness and rhetoric of these questions suggest complex answers, of course, but one such answer may be found in the show’s function as a whole. M*A*S*H was wildly successful because it arrived on the heels of the Vietnam War, a time of intense political and social turmoil in America. People needed an outlet – a reason to smile. M*A*S*H let them laugh at war. This brilliant move eventually culminated with the series finale, the most watched event in television history (a title that has since been surpassed by the 2010 Super Bowl).

Lost, like M*A*S*H, was born during a time of political and social turmoil. But instead of immersing us in a straightforward story about government and politics, the writers took a different approach. They took into account two facts:  a fictional series about literal politics would be overkill; and technological advances play a vital role in America’s social make-up. So, the writers capitalized on the mystique of the show and started an official discussion board (check out www.thefuselage.com). They also implemented little “Easter Egg” games that could be played online, commonly referred to as “The Lost Experience.” In short, they used the internet to their advantage, and the public bought into it. The television show became more than just a show – it became a sensation that anyone could take part in.

What most people do not realize, however, is that Lost is a political and social allegory in which the writers took a fictional group of people, cast them onto an island away from all government, and let them develop their own society. This, in the face of the political turmoil that so markedly defines the 2000s in America, gave our society something to smile about and dream about. Viewers have had the pleasure of watching the birth and growth of a new society, and in turn have created and flourished within online societies birthed by the show. This is brilliant marketing and a vital reason why Lost has enjoyed such consistent popularity for six seasons.

Another aspect that sets Lost apart from similarly structured television programs is the impeccably complex cast of characters. There is something inherently human about the show that draws viewers in deeper, and this ideal is clearly outlined in this wide array of characters. Viewers have come to know these characters’ pasts through a bevy of flashbacks and flash-forwards. They’ve cheered for them, or hated them, or sympathized with them. Perhaps most importantly, viewers have recognized themselves in these characters, and have therefore played a vital role in helping them come alive on the screen. This is the movement that defines the show itself, and the very thing that will lead to its legend. It will be remembered as the television show that came to life, and gave people in our country something to look forward to when they most needed it.

Lost, in essence, is a show about relationships. It embodies the struggle of relationship maintenance, whether pertaining to a lover, an acquaintance, an enemy, or – perhaps most obviously – one’s father. Lost is about both faith and science. It is about forgiveness and letting go. It is about acceptance and moving on. All of these things are characteristics which are essential to our country’s well-being. Therein may lie the writers’ true intentions. If so, this revelation may be the key to solving the crux that is Lost. Could it also be, then, the key to overcoming this strenuous age we live in? If so, then Lost is the most important television show of all-time, and its series finale (May 23, 9pm EST) deserves more attention than both M*A*S*H and the Super Bowl combined.

by RFP

Lost is going away. The hit sci-fi, drama, mind-fuck of a guilty pleasure is going out on its own terms on May 23. 

It's a series finale that's bound to disappoint, as most series finales usually disappoint. The only one that I have ever seen that seemed to be perfect was Cheers. But Cheers didn't have numerous stories of redemption, mystical islands, and a smokey, disembodied soul that takes the form of the dead. There's a lot to loose ends to tie a knot in. We'll see how it goes.

In the meantime, we're going to celebrate a show that I, along with millions of others, love. 

Let's talk about Sawyer for a minute.

Portrayed by actor Josh Holloway, there's a few basic characteristics that make up the character of Sawyer.

-He was driven to find the con man who indirectly caused the deaths of his parents.

-He's sarcastic and snarky.

-He used to (still does?) love Kate and hates (so he says) Jack

-He has nicknames for everyone.

-He says "son of a bitch" a lot.

Just as there is nothing like an Al Pacino "fuck", Josh Holloway is the king of "son of a bitch".

Don't believe me? Just watch.

-RFP

by RFP

According to Yahoo and the Hollywood Reporter, Cartoon Network is bringing back your favorite Loony Tunes characters...but with a crappy twist. I'll quote the article and then let the snark fly.

" "The Looney Tunes Show" takes Bugs and Daffy out of the woods and puts them into the suburbs with "colorful neighbors" including Yosemite Sam, Granny, Tweety and Sylvester. "Looney" will also have classic characters singing original songs in two-minute music videos called "Merrie Melodies" and the Road Runner and Wile E. Coyote in computer-animated shorts. " 

by RFP

While aimlessly surfing the vacuous airwaves of cable television, a familiar sight caught my interest. 

It was a teaser for tonight's season finale for the 187th season of The Real World, the granddaddy of all these annoying reality shows that have been cluttering up programming for the last decade. 

On this, the season finale, it appears the roommates are foregoing the usual made-up drama ("I have an opinion and you don't share the same opinion. It's the end of the world, let's argue about it!") for the usual make-out drama ("We're all hot. Let's fornicate!).

At this point, The Real World and its spin-off, Road Rules has produced hundreds of artificial celebrities. 

MTV is fond of funding "challenges" where castmates from various seasons are forced to compete for large sums of money, as well as engage in their usual bickering and dickering.

So here's my pitch.

The Real World/Road Rules Challenge: Escape From Murder Island

Look at it as a way to thin the herd of stupidity in America. Take every single nonproductive former castmate of both shows and throw them on one island. All of them. Sweeten the pot by offering a one million dollar cash prize for the survivor.

And there would be only one survivor. The show would draw HUGE ratings so most of these fame sycophants would latch right on to the idea of so many eyes looking at their manufactured faces. 

There would be no more stupid events like who can balance on a log the longest or a chin-up contest while suspended above the water.

I want to see who can swim across a piranha-infested lake with an open wound the quickest.

I want to see which soulless fame puppet can escape from a herd of velociraptors while blindfolded. 

I'm thinking dodgeball games played with grenades and wrestling matches with rhinos.

My ideas are brilliant.

But I'm afraid America is too weak to handle such a program. Maybe if we write a petition, MTV will see the light. 

Until then, we'll just have to endure MTV's endless production line of false pop culture idols.

-RFP