Miserable Retail Slave

It's The End of The World As We Know It (and Tommy Feels Fine)

by Tommy Goodtimes

Pack your bags, we are going to hell.

According to radio host, Harold Camping, Judgement day will take place at precisely 6pm, May 21st, 2011. Apparently people have forgotten about December 21st, 2012.

Maybe the religious nuts want us to be frighetened. They must have realized no one gives a shit about something 2 years away. I hope they realize no ones cares when it's a week away either. Harold Camping is 89 years old. He should be more worried about finding his house then predicting the beginning of the end of the world.

When researching this, one site asked that we all spread the word through social networking sites. Start crying now people. And if you don't go to church, you better go tomorrow. And you better pray and cry and spit at the devil.

According to all this "hoopla" on May 21st, Christians will be saved and non-believers will be kept here on Earth, begging for death, until October 21st, 2011. I'll be begging for 10 more days to get my Halloween candy.

It actually says in one threat, I mean article, that "Those with pink eye are likely to be judged negatively." So even you believers better not be getting no damn pink eye! There is no explanation why its pink eye and not ring worm or chlamydia, but beware! Pink eye means torture for you.

Harold Camping actually predicted this to happen in 1994. That he was already wrong once and still is getting attention baffles me. But it's too good not to talk about, right?

If this really happens it's going to be amazing. I'm not denouncing God and I'm not making fun of the bible. I am kinda poking fun at this happening within 5 days and no one even gives a shit. More than half the people I've talked too haven't even heard about this.

So, giving the .04% chance this does happen, I'm going to feel pretty stupid if I get attacked Saturday by a sworm of locusts, or a seven headed dragon. I guess I'll go out with a smirk and a fist pump, "Ole' Harold, you got me!"

-Tommy Goodtimes

by The Miserable Retail Slave staff

Five Finger Death Punch, "Bad Company" (Bad Company cover)

Bad Company's self-titled song is covered by a group of angsty rockers.

Tommy Goodtimes:

 I like this song somewhat, but really it only makes me want to listen to the original. I give them credit, I like the music. The guy's voice is definitely made to sing metal though, not rock n roll. What's with this stuff with metal bands covering older rock songs? There should be a genre of music named just for this. And it should be called "songs that should not have been remade". It just irritates me, do Five Finger Death Punch really like Paul Rogers and the boys? Or are they doing this because it's a famous song and they know metal heads like to secretly listen to classic rock? 

4.5 out of 10

RFP

The coolest thing about this band is their name. Aside from that, they are just another bland metal band destined to fade back into obscurity in a few years. 

You're right, Tommy. There should be a genre of "songs that should not be remade." This would be at the top of the list. Because the song sucked the first time. 

What really irritates me about modern rock bands covering classic songs is a) They are usually completely unnecessary b) The bands that record them do so because they are trying to make money from someone else's work because all of their songs suck and c) Most of the time, listeners think the band covering the song actually wrote it.

See also: Kid Rock, "Feel Like Making Love", Staind, "Black"

Xena:

Okay. I wonder what was said that convinced them it was a good idea to do this. Do you think that they were all sitting around drinking some sort of booze and energy drink concoction and said “lets cover the NEXT song that comes on the radio?” 

Then they turned on like the classic rock channel while the stations mentally challenged intern was choosing the play list? Then they were like “Let's turn it into a whiny, angsty piece of bull dookie!!!” 

It was pretty darn horrible, like an attempt to just get people interested in their craptacular selves. Though I did enjoy the whaling guitar solo near the end... If I had any air guitar skills I would have been going crazy-ish. 

Nickelback, "This Afternoon"

The Canadian mainstream rock band's newest single from 2008's Dark Horse album

Tommy Goodtimes:

Wow, Nickelback goes Uncle Kracker, how pathetic. Another fucking anthem that tools will be karoaking for years to come. Will Chad Krueger ever figure out who he actually is? I think he's a corporate cock sucker who changes his music to make sure it goes good with ripped jeans. "Drink up, fall down and we'll do it all again". Thats clever, I like the play on up and down. Maybe he SHOULD go back and try to graduate. Then he might be smart enough too acknowledge how bad his band sucks.

1 out of 10 (for the hot girls in bikinis)

RFP

Should we start taking bets? Every year there seems to be a few definitive "songs of the summer". Songs that, good or bad, come to define a certain summer based on the fact that they are so overplayed they seem to permeate every crevice of your life. 

How much do you want to bet that this song is one those bloody summer songs? 

It reminds me of a summer song from last year, "All Summer Long" by Kid Rock. Was that as inescapable everywhere in the country or just here in the Great Lakes State mainly because of the line "it was summer time in northern Michigan". 

If anyone from another state has any knowledge on this, I would like to know.

BTW, speaking of "corporate cock sucker", do you remember Chad Kroeger's Playboy interview that I talked about last summer? You've got part of that phrase right....

Xena

Cuss Nickelback. I actually heard this song on the radio earlier today and decided that it was a country song. And not from the era where country music was actually decent, but more of the “Chicken-fried-Kenny-Chesney” bullshit. Since when does a “rock” band strive to be a country cross-over? Isn't it the other way around? But, I agree with RFP, it is going to be unavoidable this summer. You know how I know that to be true? Trigger loves the damn song.

RFP

The Country-crossover is the way that rock bands that have seen their fan demographic age along with them retain their fanbase. See, Darius Rucker forgetting Hootie and developing a twang, Bon Jovi collaborating with Jennifer Nettles of Sugarland, and Def Leppard ruining their classics with America's Sweetheart, Taylor Swift. Hell, even Sebastian Bach recorded a country single.

But I don't get why Nickelback needs to keep selling out. They don't need the money. I'm pretty sure this isn't the kind of music that these guys really like to make. I have their first major album, The State, as proof of that.

-RFP, Tommy Goodtimes, Xena

by The Miserable Retail Slave staff

This is the feature where the MRS staff review the newest songs to hit the airwaves, internet, or TV screens. As always, our opinions are the most important you'll ever hear, so what we say is the absolute truth.

Korn, 'Oildale'

The newest single from the nu-metal outfits' latest album. 

Tommy Goodtimes:

Wow, Korn made a song that actually isn't SUPER annoying. Wait, don't get me wrong, I definitely do not like this song, but I have to say if I had to listen to a Korn song, I would chose this one. Theres no weird chanting and it seems like Jonathon Davis's voice is improving with age. I think one thing that makes this song slightly aggravating to listen to is the drums. They just have that jungle beat thing that the guitar follows too. If the music was a little different I'd actually consider giving this song a second listen. Sorry, Korn, Tommy Thompson is still not a fan. Keep trying though boys. 5 out of 10

RFP:

Funny you should mention that "jungle beat thing that the guitar follows." It was actually pretty cool back in 1996 when that same drum beat/guitar riff combo was released in Marilyn Manson's "The Beautiful People." Listen to "Oildale" again (if you can stand to) and then listen to Manson.

Is rock music so lacking in originality these days that bands are recycling riffs from 14 years ago (!) in the hopes that the reckless drinking and relentless headbanging of metalheads have completely killed the brain cells containing memories of the original song's existence?

Xena:

I am not sure how I felt about it... To be honest, It is not at all what I expected from Korn. They should really just stick to what they do well, like their older “Freak on a Leash” stuff. Also, is it just me or is Jonathan Davis a mouth breather and it is very apparent in this song?

Caroline Chocolate Drops, 'Hit 'Em Up Style' (Blu Cantrell cover)

Bluegrass meets folk meets hip-hop meets indie rock. 

Tommy Goodtimes:

Wait...? What the..Carolina Chocolate Drops? Change your name, or better yet, don't even have a name. If this is the favorite in your guys's list choice of band names, I don't want to hear the other ones. That being said, I like this. I've never liked the original, but I like the soul. I've always been a sucker for a soulfull voice. I like the hipster-folk rock thing they have going on with this. The lyrics suck but that's because they've always sucked. Bad choice of a cover but I can't get over that voice. 7.5 out of 10

RFP:

Her voice is amazing, for sure. It makes me want to check out the rest of their stuff. Hearing this song made me remember who Blu Cantrell was, but then I forgot about her just as quickly because "Hit 'Em Up Style" is their song now.

Xena:

First, The name “Carolina Chocolate Drops” sounds like some weird dirty thing that a sexual deviant would pay to see in a porn. But, other than that I really liked it. The instrumentation was a weird cross between bluegrass and “Fiddler on the Roof”, but it worked for me. Now this next comment will probably get some angry remarks from my fellow bloggers, but the one thing I really didn't like was that the singer had the exact same timbre to her voice as Blu Cantrell. I think that when you re-make a song the vocals need to be re-vamped or it will seem kind of bland. Though I did give her props for deviating from the melody and throwing in some growly embellishments at the end. 

Lil' Wayne ft. Nikki Minaj, "Knockout"

A cut from Wayne's awful "rock" album in a video rushed to production before Weezy's jail time began.

Tommy Goodtimes:

 I've never been a fan of Lil' Wayne, but I am fan of how interesting it is that people find him amazing. I do like the music for this song, although it's a simple pop rock thing that bands have been doing since the grunge era. "Once you go black you never go back". That's a genius line though and Wayne should be applauded for coming up with it.

2 out of 10 

RFP:

Now you know what Johnny 5 from "Short Circuit" would sound like, should he ever decide to drop a rap album. How about that, a reference that no one under the age of 25 will get.

I think you're right about this being a simple pop rock song. It reminds me of something that blink-182 would write. That got me thinking of what Tom DeLonge would sound like using autotune. My guess would be that his voice would sound like it was going to explode from pitch correction, just like Wayne's. 

BTW, I think I developed a crush on Nikki Minaj during the course of this video. Seriously. Call me.

Seriously.

Xena:

The song is going to be a hit. You know why? It was painfully simple and it was running through my head the moment that the video stopped. That doesn't mean that I liked it, but I am sure that I will find myself singing along with it in the car. That and the Nikki Chicka was pretty awesome for being nothing at all. 

RFP:

So, you have a crush on Nikki now too? That's so hot.

by Tommy GoodTimes

When I was younger my family and I would always go to those Nascar races. You guys like nascar?

Really? Good for you, I don't. But, I did when I was...10.

Anyways, I didn't know it at the time, but being a Jeff Gordon fan really isn't that cool. Yeah, my whole family walking through the grandstands in their rainbow colored Dupont shirts. We looked like the fucking Gay and Lesbian section up there. Of course, we'd always get seated right in front of some asshole who likes Dale Earnhardt.

You could always tell the guys who liked Dale Earnhardt. No shirt on, sunburnt body, reeking of alcohol and cigarettes, dirty mustache, and pretty near daisy duke cut off shorts. OH and I almost forgot the mandatory mark of a Dale Earnhardt fan.

You HAVE to get a crooked number 3 tattooed on your upper arm. It's like some secret mark of the Drunk Dale Earnhardt Fan Club. Here I am 10 years old sitting in front of Dale Fan Number 1 and everytime Jeff Gordon goes by he nudges me and mumbles "faggot."

After an hour of that, and barely seeing super loud cars flash before my eyes, I'd always wander down to look at the "vendors". "Vendors", aka, "girls who were blessed with nice bodies and slutty enough to show them off". That was the best thing about being 10 at a nascar race. Of course none of them would like a Gordon fan. He wasn't a "bad boy". But then again, I was 10, I didn't know.

I remember one time I saw this shirt, and besides the women, it was the best thing I had ever seen at a Nascar race. The shirt read "titties and beer thats why I'm here". I remember spitting some Pepsi out of my nose and mouth after catching a glimpse..... But, listen, I didn't have much choice but to be a Jeff Gordon fan.

The truth is my Uncle built Jeff Gordon's first race car and is a friend of the family's, still to this day. I'm serious. But it's like, fuck, why Gordon? Why not build Richard Petty a car or Rusty Wallace, Mark Martin, hell Earnhardt, I'da gotten the crooked 3, fuck it. Anyone but Gordon.

Once I hit puberty around 12, I realized how gay Gordon's nickname of the "Rainbow Warrior" really was and I never wore, or have watched a Nascar race since. However, minus the crooked 3 and mustache, on my days off, I have become somewhat of a Dale Earnhardt fan look (and smell) alike.