Miserable Retail Slave

by RFP

It's not a big screen re-imaging of "Leave It to Beaver", but, since every other film released to the cinemas these days is a recycled bit of nostalgia, you're forgiven if you thought this.

Depending on how close to the gutter your mind skews, you may even think "The Beaver" is the latest hardcore porn that you should probably download from bittorrent.

What "The Beaver" actually is is crazy old Mel Gibson playing crazy old Walter Black who wears a beaver puppet on his hand.

Perhaps it's unfair to slap a label such as "crazy" onto a cinematic legend such as Gibson. Maybe all of the questionable behavior and unflattering publicity has stemmed from plain, old fashioned bad luck. Maybe Mel is just a victim of circumstance. Regardless, it's hard to watch "The Beaver" without your mind drawing parallels between the character's tenuous hold on sanity and Gibson's real-life struggles.

The story follows William Black (Mel Gibson), a broken shade of a man who suffers from a deep, unending depression and possibly numerous personality disorders. 

After a few botched suicide attempts, an old beaver puppet that Black had rescued from a trash can begins speaking to him in a thick Australian accent. He begins interacting with people exclusively through the puppet, telling everyone to address the beaver by name.

The Beaver's fun, outsized personality quickly replaces Black's depression and he finds that everyone seems to prefer the puppet's personality to his own. Now you know why Dave Coulier used Mr. Woodchuck in so many episodes of Full House.

Black experiences a renewed sense of creativity, resulting in explosive sales for his toy company. His family also embraces Black's new personality, with the exception of his jaded son, Porter (Anton Yelchin), who spends his time writing papers for money at school and trying to impress the brainy cheerleader (Jennifer Lawrence, who played young Mystique) who has hired him to write her valedictorian speech for graduation.

Since the Beaver has made his depression disappear overnight and everything seems to be coming up Milhouse in his life, Black decides that the puppet is not going away any time soon.

The extended period of a grown man using a beaver puppet to communicate slowly begins to wear on everyone and everything that has been gained by the Beaver starts to slip away from Black. 

The climax features the Beaver becoming a cult phenomenon, an appearance on the Today show, a Fight Club-esque battle, and a somewhat shocking, but somewhat predictable conclusion.

 The ridiculous premise of the film may be a turn off for some, but for others (like me) it's an interesting, off beat project featuring an actor who normally wouldn't tackle such subjects. I think a friendship with director Jodie Foster (who also plays William Black's wife) helped bring Gibson into the fold. 

For me, the movie works due to Gibson's great performance. He puts everything he has into this character, a role that alternates from goofy to intense at a moment's notice. The intensity and emotional range that the role requires reminds me of his performance in "Ransom".  The "B" plot in the movie concerning Anton Yelchin trying to woo Jennifer Lawrence really doesn't add anything to the main plot of the film. Yelchin, as always, does a great job investing himself in his character, while the upcoming star of The Hunger Games, Lawrence, is merely adequate.

I give "The Beaver" 3 out of 5 pink slips.

-RFP

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Rise of the Planet of the Apes

Fright Night (1985)

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by Jason

Ok, so I’ll admit it, I was pretty excited to see Rise of the Planet of the Apes. It had the Franco, that should be illegal to be that hot girl from Slumdog Millionaire wearing a SCARF, and some cool looking CGI apes wasting stuff and generally wreaking havoc in New York. Oh yeah, and Brian Cox, one of my favorite older dude actors, as the shady monkey house manager guy. What was not to love, what could go wrong?

Well, throughout most of the movie, the answer is, not a whole lot. You got the dude who used his face for Gollum in the LOTR movies CGI-ing (is that a term? Well it is NOW!) up his face to play Caesar, the main ape that becomes a sort of pet/bff to Franco during the first half hour of the movie, because Franco is working on a cure for Alzheimers because his dad (played by another cool older dude actor, John Lithgow – I forgive you for 3rd Rock from the Sun, man its ok. Remember Footloose? How bout A Distant Thunder? Dude had talent) has it to the MAX. Like, he’s pretty much lost his mind. So you feel for the guy, and you sort of understand when he sees that it showed some success with one of the apes, who literally ends up going ape shit (always wanted to use that term and have it actually apply, mission accomplished!), but NOT because of the drug Franco makes – because she thought someone (possibly a dingo) was going after her baby, to try and eat it or kill it or what have you.

Well since she sorta ruins the plans of the soulless evil corporation that funds Franco and his fancy new medicine by smashing up a bunch of stuff in their building, they shut down the project – but not before he can steal a bunch of this medicine to help his Dad, and, maybe a little against his will, the mom's baby, who he ends up naming Caesar. Well naturally he bonds with the little dude, and, since he is the offspring of his mom who had such success with the medicine, naturally he isn’t your ordinary ape. Wasn’t that like the theme song for Magilla Gorilla, something about him not being your average ape? Who remembers that cartoon, because it was awesome, huge gorilla in a little purple vest and a tie, whats not to love? Ok since like, MAYBE three people reading this remember that, moving on!

Anyways, so he pretty much becomes the smartest ape of all time ever, and in quick succession. We move through time kinda quickly here, because its necessary – we can’t have a bunch of baby apes wreaking havoc on New York after all, can we? That would make us as humans look like a bunch of pansies. So we have to get Caesar around a bunch of other apes, and the macguffin (a term I learned in film class, my Masters Degree at work right there people!) for that is that naturally Caesar has to create some sort of ruckus out in public that ends him getting picked up by animal control. Dude IS still an animal after all.

I forgot something – during these glimpses into Caesar's different stages of development, we are introduced to that most ridiculously beautiful, insanely out of place veterinarian that you will ever see. I’m talking about Freida Pinto, of Slumdog Millionaire fame, and my god, did she even get more insanely gorgeous in those years between that great movie and this…less than great one.

She doesn’t belong here. Sure, Franco is a handsome dude, he's versatile, he works here. But the casting of the lovely Freida just makes me think someone with a Michael Bay-like mentality was working on the set of this movie, and thought “Ok, DUDES! Who can we get that is just completely OFF THE CHART hot for this movie, we all gotta admit here, we got no ending, sometimes the plot meanders a bit, what can we do to bring in more dudes?! I’m talking someone nuclear hot, but someone that people may not remember?”

And one intern in the back timidly raised his hand and said “um…sir? What about that SMOKIN hot girl from Slumdog, has she gotten any work lately? We might be able to get her cheap?” and that Michael Bay-like guy jumped off of his soapbox, gave a fist pump and said “Promote that man! And get me that super hot Indian girl’s agent on the phone, STAT!” and thus, Frieda Pinto was cast.

Because seriously, sure, shes a fine actress. I’ve seen much worse in fact. I’d like to see more of her, I wouldn’t even mind her in a starring role – not just because she is completely off the chain beautiful, but because, I think shes talented. She just doesn’t belong in this movie, she is too beautiful for it. That’s just my two cents, and I apologize.

At any rate, so what causes Caesar to end up at the monkey house (man I’ve got to use so many clichéd terms about simians already in this review, fantastic) is, well, the medicine stops working on Franco’s dad. It takes a long time (like 10 years movie time I think?) but he starts regressing back to losing his mind, and its happening faster too. Franco starts to get desperate to develop something new, and he does, but it’s almost too late. His Dad tries to drive a car (which reminds me of a Dumb and Dumber quote – “Although slow, and dangerous behind the wheel, old people CAN still serve a purpose!” ) and it doesn’t go well, did I mention it was the neighbor's car? So the neighbor comes out, goes nuts, seemingly attacks him, and Caesar sees this from his cool upstairs room, and busts out of there to defend him. He goes a little overboard, as apes protecting people they love are prone to do, and he ends up in the monkey house, the ape slammer, the chimpanzee clink, up the river for orangutans….ok you get it.

At any rate, so he ends up here, with Brian Cox as the shady headmaster, and SPEAKING of headmasters, none other than Draco Malfoy plays one of the evil caretakers here, treats the apes like crap, sneers at them – pretty much plays the same role he did in Harry Potter, minus the wind. It was weird to see him in this movie too, but not as strange as seeing the lovely Freida. But I digress – things are not well here, Caesar is an outcast because he wears human clothes, he is disliked, beaten up, picked on, the new kid in town. But he starts to figure things out, starts to realize that he needs to run with the pack because he can’t do what he wants to on his own. Some of these scenes were some of my favorite in the movie – showcasing that the CGI apes and their interactions are probably more interesting than what the humans are doing – which I suppose is probably how they want us to feel, since they are starting a new franchise and we’ll be seeing more apes than humans in the inevitable sequel. But these scenes are cool, especially when Caesar realizes that Franco isn’t going to come get him any time soon, and that he is alone in the world, and needs to do something about that. So he starts to manipulate his ape friends, and he does it rather smartly and quickly – he IS the smartest ape there ever has been, after all.

During all this, there is also the other plot running, pretty much a sidenote (and it shouldn’t have been), about the one guy who got exposed to Francos new medicine, aside from his Dad. Doesn’t go well for the guy, to say the least – you know, the usual, with the coughing up of the blood, the fainting, the dying in your bed, etc. So he’s dead. But not before coughing on the neighbor guy – same dude who got attacked by Caesar when he yelled at John Litgow earlier btw, and man, I gotta tell ya, I really felt bad for that guy. Dude can’t catch a BREAK! First he's attacked by a big ass ape for just trying to protect his car (it WAS a camaro, after all!), and NOW he's coughed on by some fat guy that was prowling around his neighbor's house. He was just being a good Samaritan! And what does he get? Freakin’ DEATH. There’s a lesson in that, kids. But so we have that sidenote, because, gotta have a way to wipe out all the humans so we can have that whole Planet of the Apes scenario mentioned in the title, right?

So things escalate quickly at the chimpanzee clink, and Caesar busts out the really sweet looking huge ape that’s always locked up – I wanna call him Brutus because that’s what his name SHOULD have been, but I forget what it really was. So I’ll call him Brutus. So him and Brutus become buds and rally the troops in a sense, and it all comes to a head when Malfoy goes too far with Caesar and little did HE know that Caesar had already broken out of the slammer to procure more of that fancy medicine that made him smart and released it among all his friends, so hes in trouble. So Malfoy gets a small case of electrocuted horribly, and then Caesar and his buds are free to go. Now THIS part of the movie is sweet, and includes all the scenes you see in the movie – apes attacking humans, pandemonium, spears being thrown at cop cars, monkeys jumping on helicopters, etc. I just realized my first review here is running a bit long (get used to it with me, seriously) so I’ll move on to my rant about the ending, we are almost there anyways.

Ok so all this awesomeness is happening, and if you don’t want to know how it ends, I’ll say SPOILER ALERT right now and just stop reading, realize I’m hilarious, and come back for another review in a few days. If you’ve already seen it or have no plans (and you probably WON’T have any plans to see it after you read this rant) to see it, then read on my friend. Ok so the apes are kickin ass and not taking any names, it all comes to a head on the Golden Gate Bridge, which leads to the cool forest with all those old redwood trees. I’ve never been there but damn if they don’t make that place look pretty. So the apes trick the silly humans who try to barricade the bridge, Brutus bites it by doing the long jump on to a helicopter FLYING IN THE AIR, people die, spears are thrown, cop cars are wrecked, stuff explodes, it's all pretty awesome.

All the while of course we have Franco trying to get to his old buddy to try and reason with him, and since it’s a movie he uses his hottie girlfriend to distract the two cops that happen to be standing around during this monkey apocalypse, and he's off to try and save his pal. Well he makes it through all the carnage of course, and ends up in the woods with Caesar and his buddies. So they talk, and he tells him he should just come back home, to stop all this, and Caesar says “Well, I am home”.

The ape only talks twice in the movie, and both times I’ll admit, it’s pretty sweet. It’s well done, isn’t cheesy, and fits the situation. So heres where I get pissed – then the movie just…ends. Ok, so the apes have proven they can waste some humans, that we are in trouble from these super smart apes, there's a few messages about how we treat animals n stuff, makes ya think. And then….that's it.

I realize this movie is to set up the franchise and all of that, but I just wanted more resolution. The REAL slap in the face comes at the end credits, when the producers were probably like “oh shit bro! We TOTALLY forgot about how that disease thing, created by the medicine, wipes out all of EARTH yo! So uh…lets just do one of those old-timey travelling things, you know, like on Indiana Jones? Except this time, instead of people flying, its DEATH flying dude, people getting DEAD by that disease! Awesome, problem solved!” Uh….no. In the inevitable sequel, if it just starts out where “ok guys, so everyones dead, and here's some apes, runnin' stuff”, I’m gonna be beyond pissed. It was just like the entire movie was all build up and then no real climax. I’m ok with a movie trying something different…it just didn’t work this time. At least not for me. It might for you, I don’t know. 

So, in conclusion, the movie has some cool ideas it kicks around – some environmental ones, ideas about how we may THINK we are the bosses here but that situation can easily be rearranged, etc., it just falls apart at the end. That isn’t to say it’s a BAD movie, it’s not. It’s just a disappointing one, with some oddly casted people, particularly the freaking goddess Freida Pinto, who doesn’t need to be anywhere near this movie. But the action is good, Franco and Cox are solid, Malfoy proves he can be Malfoy in other movies too, and the CGI is top notch, I’d maybe even see groundbreaking, on Caesar and his homies. So I’ll give this movie a 2 ½ out of 4 stars. Or if you aren’t into the star system, that’d be about a 6/10. It has some merits, it just doesn’t make it all the way.

 out of  

~ Jason

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by RFP

X-Men: First Class is the perfect movie to cleanse the palate of X-Men: The Last Stand and X-Men Origins: Wolverine. The latest installment featuring Marvel's merry mutants is more in line with X2: X-Men United and that's very good thing.

For those who don't know, X-Men: First Class takes place in the '60s on the eve of the Cuban Missile Crisis. 

We have a swingin' Charles Xavier (James McAvoy), who is just graduating from Oxford, sporting a full head of hair and a hearty appetite for spirits and pretty coeds, who he seduces by complimenting their beautiful mutations and plucking any other useful knowledge from their minds,

His companion is a young Mystique, who chooses to spend most of her time appearing as a cute blond girl who may be staring in the upcoming Hunger Games series of films. Charles discovered her breaking into his house when they both were kids and befriends her.

We have Erik Lensherr (Michael Fassbender), the future Magneto, still seething with rage over his experiences in the Nazi concentration camps 20 years earlier.

In order to give the world more options when playing "Six Degrees of Kevin Bacon" (I can now get to in Jon Hamm in only two steps!) we have Sebastian Shaw (Kevin Bacon), the head of the Hellfire Club, a club devoted to throwing sexy parties for world leaders in order to get those leaders under their control. Emma Frost (January Jones), a telepath who is fond of prancing around in her panties (I applaud this decision), is Shaw's main advisor.

Shaw also happens to be the man who tortured the powers out of Lensherr during World War II. 

After the CIA learns about the existence of mutants, they go to Xavier for advice. Xavier saves Lensherr's life when both of them are pursuing Shaw and their friendship begins.

The idea of setting the story in the '60s and having the X-Men be responsible for averting the Cuban Missle Crisis could have resulted in a boring or cheesy movie, but director Matthew Vaughn (responsible for last year's Kick Ass)  does a respectable job. 

There are two notable cameos from players in other X-Men films, one of which features the best line of the entire movie. It completely works because of the character who says it. I don't want to ruin it, but you'll see. 

The movie fits into the franchise's somewhat shaky movie continuity, so there are little winks and nods spread throughout the film to events in later movies. For the record, I also appreciate this film's Beast rather than Kelsey Grammar's in The Last Stand. Can we just pretend that film was just a dream?

Miserable Retail Slave gives X-Men: First Class 4 out of 5 pink slips

by RFP

One of the first interviews that Rolling Stone magazine featured with Dave Grohl post-Nirvana was supposed to be about the launch of his new band, Foo Fighters. 

The story begins with an anecdote about Grohl walking into a coffee shop. The young man behind the counter instantly recognizes him and says, "Hey, you're Dave Grohl from Nirvana, aren't you? You know, I was really pissed off when that asshole blew his head off. I don't mean to be so frank."

The problem with any story, interview, or review dealing with Foo Fighters is the fact that Kurt Cobain or Nirvana is inevitably drudged up (including this particular review you're reading right now, I guess).

After seven studio albums, a live acoustic album, a record of cover songs, and even a greatest hits package, it's unfair to Dave Grohl the artist to keep bringing up the past because he's clearly proved himself to be a musical genius in his own right and it's unfair to Dave Grohl the person because no one wants to be continually reminded of their best friend's death.

Over the years, Grohl's reluctance to fully acknowledge his past in one of the most influential rock bands of the last twenty years has gradually eroded. With Wasting Light, Grohl embraces his history and turns in the best Foo Fighters album since The Colour and the Shape (one of my favorite albums ever).

Grohl reunites with the other surviving member of Nirvana, bassist Krist Novoselic, on the haunting "I Should Have Known", a song that may or may not be about Kurt Cobain. Regardless of what the song is really about, based on the lyrical content and guest musician, people will assume it's an ode to Cobain.

It really wouldn't surprise me either way. On the live acoustic album, Skin and Bones, Grohl covered a Nirvana song for the first time as a member of Foo Fighters. It was a song called "Marigold" that he had written for Nirvana as a b-side on the "Heart-Shaped Box" single. He also performed "Friend of a Friend", a song that he most definitely wrote about Cobain.

The album also features the heaviest Foo Fighters song written so far, "White Limo", a song that finds Grohl shredding his vocal chords in an ode to his hardcore punk roots. They filmed a video for it featuring Lemmy from Motorhead, which you can check out below.

On the opposite end of the spectrum, the life-affirming "Walk" closes the album with Grohl howling "I never want to die" over and over. It's one of the Foo's catchiest songs, while "Back and Forth" feels like it was written for The Colour and the Shape era Foo Fighters. 

For whatever reason, it seems like the weakest link on the album is the song that was picked for the first single, "Rope". 

When they are on top of their game, Foo Fighters are capable of writing some of the catchiest songs in rock music. Their ability to write songs that mainstream audiences can enjoy without completely sacrificing their rock background  (i.e. "selling out") is one of the reasons that they have enjoyed such an accomplished career. 

Wasting Light is out now and has become the first Foo Fighters album to reach #1 on the Billboard charts. 

The Crazies

1. Acting/Directing: .23/5

2. Cinematography/overall ambiance: .16/5

3. Storyline: .09/5

4. Entertainment value: .59/5

My overall Rating: .2675 out of a possible 5

by Beerwad

I'm assuming none of you have anything to do on a Thursday night.  I'm assuming this because you have time to frequent Miserable Retail Slave.  But you don't have to sit around, listening to Yanni and doing sudoku puzzles.  Instead, you should watch "The Marriage Ref" and do sudoku puzzles.

The Marriage Ref" is a show about marrital disputes and finding comical resolutions to these disputes.  It is hosted by comedian Tom Papa, who is better suited to host a program called "The Domestic Partnership Ref" if you catch my drift, but in all is still a funny guy. And no, there was not a pun intended there.

The show is produced by a comedian named Jerry Seinfeld.  This man apparently has an impressive list of showbiz contacts.  Each week the show has a three person celebrity panel to assist Tom Papa in mediating.  Jerry Seinfeld, Larry David, Eva Longoria, Charles Barkley, Madonna, Jason Alexander, Martha Stewart, Sarah Silverman, and Tina Fey are all scheduled to be a part of the panel this season.

The disputes are generally silly in nature.  For example, one couple were feuding about the keeping of a late husbands prostetic leg, while another woman had a "honey-do" list that dictated how much, or how little, sexual intercourse her and her slovenly husband would be having. Not to mention sportscasting legend, and s&m freak Marv Albert has a funny little cameo on each episode.  He does a Sportscenter-like recap of the highlights and lowlights of the marrital bickering.

This week i got a real kick out of woman-hating Larry David.  He was quite obviously bitter from a 14-year marriage and was really sticking it to the women.  Madonna made a sophomoric attempt at standing up to him, but he ran over her like a mack truck.  Though it was apparent that in her mind she's still FABULOUS! and to reply to that, i'll quote Madonna....."NOT"!

Despite my approval, the show has generated many negative reviews.

"I was optimistic I'd be writing something of the ' don't assume the show is terrible' variety, but it's terrible."-National Public Radio

This only proves that i'm a better judge of what's funny than the people at National Public Radio. i expect them to offer me a job any day now.  In the meantime, watch "The Marriage Ref". It's a good program. 

-Beerwad

by Abe

This Addiction Album review

Heartbreak's Guilty Little Pleasure

This Addiction is the seventh album from dreary pop punkers Alkaline Trio and the follow up to 2008's Agony and Irony. This recording continues the Chicago band's steady legacy of songs of love gone wrong, love gone weird and just the plain old weird. Alkaline Trio has been the beacon for good music for bad times for over a decade. The production value has remained consistent among their latest albums, but there is an inkling for the band to return to their gritty roots. Though it's paradoxical to ask of a band who has made their way up from the DIY scene to Target shelves, it would be excellent to hear songs revisit the vein of songs like "Bleeder" and "Radio", and return to the darkness of spiteful bitterness and liver punishing fury.

The album opens up with "This Addiction," the clear choice for the first single. It's an almost too short romp where drummer Derek Grant nearly steals the show with the songs beat. Matt Skiba, the bands guitarist helms the vocals comparing a troubled relationship to an addict struggling with an opiate addiction. Though this metaphor has probably been used before, it is Skiba's knack for just the right barbed words that sell the song. "Well those others were like Methadone/ I took to get me through the day/ Now I'm trying to find my way back home/ I'm staying clean along the way-hold out for the real thing, yeah"

Those familiar with the bands other releases will be acquainted with Matt Skiba and bassist Dan Andriano alternating turns as lead vocalist on songs. This may be the only redeeming quality that brings diversity to This Addiction. After one or two listens the sound of the album ran together in a droning fashion leaving the lyrics the only distinguishable mile marker. Surprisingly one of the albums key points is "The American Scream", a tribute to veterans and their struggles with coping and post traumatic stress. Sociopolitical songs are not Alkaline Trio's breadwinners, but Skiba, sympathetically gives us an allegorical tale while scathingly chastising America's bravado for war and their shortsightedness of welfare for the troops after their tours are up.

The middle of the album sees it's finest moment with "Off the Map". Dan Andriano handles the vocals with his coaxing voice and his poetic lyrics, a reassuring contrast and fine compliment to Skiba's rasp and darkness. It finds us back in the bands comfort zone. Andriano channels the mood after an argument between lovers, giving us the confessional lines "I loosen my lips and the truth slips out/ A free ride on a forked tongue/ This twine of trust is unspun". The chorus is only helped with a much present vocal addition by Matt Skiba in the background, making the song catchy and deserving a much needed nod for composition.

By the second half of the album the ball is finally rolling and This Addiction sheds it's monotonous pace and starts to weigh in with better attempts. On the seventh track we find "Draculina", whose intro sets itself apart from the other tracks with soft palm mutes and a moody synthesizer. Matt Skiba never has a shortage of songs about femme fatales. He shines here with the morbidity and dark imagery that helped make him an alternative music folk hero. The songs opening verse and the cue of the band makes this track worhty of being a single or at least a spot on a horror movie soundtrack. "Whatever happened to Wonderland. Where'd Alice go? (oh)/ I took a night dream with a knife in hand/ And cut out to the next show back in her living hell/ I wish to dwell , I long to be, in the blood and guts with the birds of prey and the stinging of bees/ and bullwhips baby".

For new Alkaline Trio fans this isn't a bad place to start, but it is strongly encouraged to start from the beginning and snatch up previous albums where the band's framework and much debated better material lies. For the old fans and the faithful This Addiction is enjoyable and falls in line with their latest, but as far as the band releasing a breakthrough album, besides subtle tweaks and improvements nothing has changed much since 2003's Good Mourning. The album is worth listening to, and it's weakest moments are nothing to pick apart, but if you are expecting and can't live without the grit and rough edges that put this band on the hot track to seven albums you may want to keep holding out.

This Addiction is available in stores and itunes courtesy of Heart and Skull records under exclusive license to Epitaph Records.

for a good time follow me on twitter @aalguire

-Abe Alguire

by Xena

Alice In Wonderland

Based on the 4 main categories-

1. Acting/Directing: 2.88/5

2. Cinematography/overall ambiance: 4.8/5

3. Storyline: 1.10/5

4. Entertainment value: 1.78/5

My overall Rating: 2.64 out of a possible 5

1.Tim Burton Directing one of the oddest/best stories of all time.

2.Johnny Depp as a crazy man.

3.Helena Bonham Carter and Anne Hathaway as dueling queens.

4.Imax 3-D (every movie should make me wear goofy glasses, I swear.)

I thought that these four things would make the movie foolproof. Oh, how wrong I was. You all know that basic story: Alice falls through a hole, lands in a room, drinks a potion to get small and the then all kinds of crazy ensues.

Slight twist: Alice is on her 2nd trip to Wonderland as a young woman instead of as a child. Everybody expects her to fulfill a prophecy, but she doesn't want to fulfill said prophecy. All kinds of stuff happens that make her realize she is stronger mentally and physically than she thought she was... Blah, Blah. Coming of age... Blah, Blah.

I really expected this movie to be something wonderful. I love Tim Burton, and he didn't disappoint when it came to the overall ambiance of “Underland”. It was classic Tim Burton, scary trees and all. The only thing I didn't take into consideration was the fact that it was a Disney Film. Instantly the dialogue was dumbed down and the humor was turned into a PG-rated crap fest.

At least I expected the acting to be good, but it just wasn't. Instead of relying on Johnny Depp's acting skills to make the Hatter mad, they put so much makeup on him that it was just distracting. Anne Hathaway tried to appear benevolent, but mostly just looked like something was placed into an uncomfortable place (and not the backseat of a Volkswagen, if you get my drift). Helena Bonham Carter was pretty bland. The only pleasant surprise was Crispin Glover (“You get your damn hands off her, Biff...”as the Red Queens evil sidekick.

One thing I do have to say is that the costumes we pretty awesome, particularly Alice's dresses as she wanders through the kingdom.

Sadly enough, I don't even have a “Spoiler” for this one. The whole thing is that ridiculously predictable.

Should you see it???? Even though I do nothing but complain, I think that you should. The only way I would not recommend it would be if you hate Tim Burton films. I don't see how that is possible, but I do know a few people that do.

-Xena

by RFP

Ah, the movie that's caused hundreds of hopelessly smitten nerds to get arrested for public disturbance for blaring Peter Gabriel's 'In Your Eyes' outside their ex's window.

It's a shame that the boombox is all but extinct because holding an Ipod connected to some speakers over your head doesn't hold the same visual impact.

If you've never seen or heard of  Say Anything, then you're either a communist or you hate movies.

Correct my math if you will, but I'm pretty sure this is John Cusak's star-making turn. He had been in a few '80s teen comedies before this (you should see The Sure Thing), but this is the one that people remember.

Cusak stars as the hopeless romantic, Lloyd Dobler who isn't really looking for a normal career post-high school, but a "dare to be great situation." In this case, he decides kickboxing is his shot at fame.

There's a few notable scenes in this movie that anyone that's ever had a relationship or gotten dumped can relate to.

There's the scene where Lloyd and Diane (Ione Skye) are "making love"*** in the backseat of her car and Lloyd can't stop shaking. Diane asks him if he's cold and Lloyd responds, "I'm just happy." Awww. This one hits a nerve. That's all I'll reveal.

Then, of course, there's the scene after Diane dumps him. Lloyd mopes in the rain and calls his sister, "I gave her my heart and she gave me a pen." Bitches be crazy.

Overall, this is a decent diversionary romantic comedy. It's not groundbreaking and possibly over-hyped, but it fights the boredom. 

***Footnote: Only in movies is it alright to "make love." I have never, EVER, heard it said outside of popular fiction in a serious (i. e. non-sarcastic) manner. In fact, I decided long ago that I would never trust a person who says "making love" in reference to sex. ***End Footnote

-RFP