Miserable Retail Slave

Country Girls/Guys – And Why I’m Running in the Opposite Direction

by Josh

Every one of us (more or less) have faced some kind of heartbreak in our lives. Even us here at MRS; I’d like to think me and my brethren (Paulie, RFP, can I get a witness?) have become seasoned vets as far as getting burned. And as a single guy myself, I’m constantly weighing options in the game of love like Gerry Kasparov or Bobby Fischer when it comes to making moves. Who do I talk to, where do I go, how do I present myself?

Most girls I talk to, however, imply that it takes a certain type of impulse in order to succeed.

And by now you might be wondering how this article fits in the MRS world; this is a blog about movies and shows and music, not your own drama!

In that case, let me introduce you to my little friends Carrie Underwood and Jaron & The Long Road To Love.

We get two glimpses of how “real Americans” and “real country people” handle heartbreak in contemporary America with these songs:

Artist: Carrie Underwood

Song: Before He Cheats

Carrie Underwood: If I knew someone personally who was dating Ms. Underwood, I’d tell him to get the hell out of there before she talks with her friends about gossip. This woman will straight-up wreck your vehicle, slash holes in the tires (as opposed to stabbing or puncturing), carve her name in the seats, smash the glass fixtures…for the sake of argument, and because of the fame this woman boasts, let’s use her as the case study for girls.

…I imagine Underwood to be watching Mad Max 3 and getting inspiration from Tina Turner in a post-apocalyptic world as the men are drinking beer and playing bathroom polo in the roadhouse nearby.

Artist: Jaron & the Long Road to Love

Song: Pray For You

Jaron: This guy is actually pretty passive-aggressive with his angst. At first glance, he’s a regular Christian man who hasn’t been to church since God knows when (see what I did there?), and instead of doing something drastic, he’s praying to God. But he’s pretty ballsy with his statements: he’s actually asking God to commit to a series of “unfortunate” incidents to his ex in an attempt to make him feel better. While I assume that he feels better about this decision, I’d wager that he’s playing with death on this. Summoning God to smite one girl that jilted you or hurt you? I’d say that this is a representative for a case study of the boys.

So we have vandalism versus karma.

Let me underline all this by saying that I in no way think these songs are good, or for that matter, comedic. Nothing is funny about someone’s tire blowing out at 110mph or vandalizing an expensive vehicle (what is it with these people and vehicles…?). But it kinda makes you think before you decide to hit the rural areas for the ladies/men. I think that, depending on what gets vandalized, felonies are brought into consideration. Not to mention SHE CARVED HER NAME IN THE SEAT. No lawyer in the world would take that case, especially after a song is written about it. Also, trying to use the Lord for bad can backfire pretty harshly (if you indeed believe in God, all you skeptics out there).

As for me, after listening to country radio for the first time in literally years and hearing these songs, I think I’ll space it out another 7-8-odd years before I tune in again. I’ll certainly avoid the bars for awhile, too. If “real Americans” are listening to this garbage and internalizing these messages, I’m probably gonna wake up to a ransacked house if I don’t return a phone call.

~Josh

Two years ago, I started Miserable Retail Slave because I was tired.

I was tired of always putting things off. Saying I was going to do things and then just not following through with them. I had wanted to start website since my freshman year of college and here I was, three years after graduation and still nothing.

I had made a vow, earlier that year. I was going to do the opposite of everything that I normally would do. Things weren't working out for me, life was getting stale. Taking chances and doing things I had always wanted to do wasn't going to make things worse. 

Miserable Retail Slave was a place that was created to escape the normalcy of everyday life and talk about the nerdy things that made me happy. If it even provided a moment of escape from the pressures and stress of anyone else's life, then we were doing our job. 

I recruited some friends to join up and do things that they would never do as well. Namely, write and try to create something. 

In the two years since, there have been many ups and downs, both personally and professionally. Honestly, there have seemed to be more downs than ups. But, this site still exists to provide a much-needed relief. 

Where once there was ten visitors a week, now there are thousands. Let's make year 3 the biggest year ever. Tell your friends to stop by this site. Like us on Facebook. Leave us comment. Tell us that we suck. Help us grow.

The song that makes me nostalgic is "Miss You" by Candlebox. It reminds me of the good times of two years ago. It reminds me of starting this site and having fun creating something with my friends. And one of the first posts I wrote was about this song. 

When I tell people that "Your Love" by The Outfield is one my favorite songs ever, they usually roll their eyes and make a "pfft" noise in my general direction.

To go along with our 30 Days of Songs feature, this is my happy song. 

You may wonder why a song about infidelity makes me so happy. As is usually the case with a song, it's the memories associated with it that make "Your Love" one of my favorites. 

First of all, it's an undeniably catchy tune. From the opening vocal, "Josie's on a vacation far away....", the song just hooks you. It's the ultimate pop song.

A few years ago, a group of friends and I used to make a monthly trip to a small bar outside of the Michigan State campus in order to see an eighties tribute band. "Your Love" quickly became our favorite song that they performed. 

Anytime I hear that song, I'm reminded of my friends and the good times I've had from them. Without my friends, I would probably be lost today and I'm very grateful for having them in my life.

So, if you ever happen to be at a bar and this song comes on the jukebox, look out onto the dance floor. If you see a group of four or five people hopping up and down and looking generally awkward, it's probably us making some more memories.

-RFP

Summer. 

Just the word alone is enough to make the inner elementary school student in everyone smile. Summer vacation was a time of freedom, slacking off, enjoying the boundless energy that only a three day binge of Mt. Dew and Sour Patch Kids could provide. 

Even though I'm older, it doesn't make Summer any less an enjoyable time. The parties, the bonfires, the sunburns, baseball, beer, beer, beer, the windows open at night, outdoor jogging, the smell of freshly cut grass - these are the things that make Summer such an amazing time.

Everyone knows that there are certain songs that scream "summer" - the songs that remind you of good times and great weather with wonderful people, no matter what time of the year played. These are the songs that you play with the windows down and the music blaring. 

This is your Miserable Retail Slave summer mix. Find these songs on iTunes or elsewhere to assemble the ultimate mixtape. 

Since it's May 1, it's only fitting that we start with Jonathan Coulton's "First of May"

I won't spoil the "surprise" hook to the song for those who have never heard it before. The song begins as a beautifully sung acoustic ode to the end of winter and the beginning of warm weather. By the end of the first verse, the song becomes an extremely catchy ode to...something else. 

Coulton apparently got the idea for the hook of the song from an old schoolyard rhyme. One that I've never heard, but wikipedia never lies, right? 

-RFP