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Joey Chestnut: Hero or Zero?
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by Beerwad
He did it again! Our patriotic hot dog eating hero, Joey Chestnut won his fifth consecutive "Nathan's Hot Dog Eating" championship! Noticibly absent was former record holder and six time champion, Takeru Kobayashi.
Due to an inability to come to a contractual agreement with Major League Eating (the governing body of competitive eating), Kobayashi has not been able to participate in the July 4th event the last 2 years.
i view this as a conspiricy between Major League Eating and Joey Chestnut to run off the only real competition.
Last year Kobayashi stormed the stage after the event in a shirt that read "free kobi", in protest of his exclusion from the event. He was promptly arrested, and after the cameras turned away was beaten half to death.
This year Kobayashi staged his own one man hot dog eating event at a Manhattan restaurant. With the Nathan's event on televisions behind him, he broke Joey Chestnut's record of 68 hot dogs and buns in 10 minutes by eating 69.
Major League Eating refuses to acknowledge Kobayashi's 69 as a record because it "did not occur in competition".
Chestnut, in lock step with his co-conspiritors, stated "it was no different than what I do at practice on my own and I'm able to break a record at my house"
If Toby Keith was here right now Joey, he'd tell you the Statue of Liberty is shaking her fist squarely in your direction.
You see Joey, us real patriots aren't much for cowards like you. We can't stand watching you hide behind Major League Eating. And i personally regret placing you on a list with such great patriots as "Hacksaw" Jim Duggan and Tom Brady. If you don't step up and whip this Osama Bin Hot Dog, It's like you're spitting on the American flag. And for that you're going to have me and Toby Keith to answer to.
-beerwad
Steroids and the Baseball Hall of Fame
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by Paulie Walnuts
We here at MRS are huge sports fans. There’s no doubt about it. If you’ve joined any of our fantasy sports leagues, you can see how serious we are about sports, whether it’s football, basketball, hockey, golf, baseball, or underwater basket weaving.
One thing that’s chapped our buttholes for fifteen years or more is the steroid controversy in baseball. Many of the implicated players will never see the Hall of Fame, despite their staggering numbers. Barry Bonds comes to mind, for example.
Unfortunately, even players who have never been implicated will pay the price for what their peers have done. Many of these deserving players, who have remained true to the game despite the “success” of the users, may never see the Hall of Fame, either, because the possibility will always remain that maybe, just maybe, they got away with it. Maybe they were never caught.
Personally, I don’t believe it. All of the players that used have been caught, or at least became the subject of rumor and controversy. The following list is a compilation of players from today’s era who deserve to be considered for the Hall of Fame because I believe they achieved amazing success without cheating. Leave a comment below with players you believe should be in, and let us know whether you agree or disagree. Bring it on sports fans!
CHIPPER JONES, Atlanta Braves: 439 HR, 1512 RBIs, 2517 hits, 501 2Bs, .306 AVG, .405 OB%
VLADIMIR GUERRERO, Montreal Expos, Anaheim Angels, Texas Rangers, Baltimore Orioles: 440 HR, 1444 RBIs, 2454 hits, 449 2Bs, .319 AVG, .561 SLG%
TODD HELTON, Colorado Rockies: 336 HR, 1249 RBIs, 2256 hits, 532 2Bs, .324 AVG, .423 OB%, .555 SLG%
BOBBY ABREU, Houston Astros, Philadelphia Phillies, New York Yankees, Anaheim Angels: 1273 RBIs, 2281 hits, 530 2Bs, 374 SBs, 1370 runs, .400 OB%
JIM THOME, Cleveland Indians, Philadelphia Phillies, Chicago White Sox, Minnesota Twins: 591 HR, 1631 RBIs, 2228 hits, 431 2Bs, .404 OB%, .558 SLG%
FRANCISCO RODRIGUEZ, Anaheim Angels, New York Mets: 274 saves, 2.49 ERA, .195 BAA
MARIANO RIVERA, New York Yankees: 567 saves, 2.23 ERA, 1.00 WHIP
DEREK JETER, New York Yankees: 2949 hits, 470 2Bs, 323 SBs, .313 AVG
ROY HALLADAY, Toronto Blue Jays, Philadelphia Phillies: 172 wins, 1753 Ks, 3.31 ERA, 1.18 WHIP
ICHIRO SUZUKI, Seattle Mariners: 2281 hits, 391 SBs, .331 AVG
ALBERT PUJOLS, St. Louis Cardinals: 415 HR, 1248 RBIs, 427 2Bs, .330 AVG, .424 OB%, .622 SLG%
LANCE BERKMAN, Houston Astros, New York Yankees, St. Louis Cardinals: 335 HR, 1121 RBIs, 390 2Bs, .409 OB%, .549 SLG%
JOHNNY DAMON, Kansas City Royals, Oakland Athletics, Boston Red Sox, New York Yankees, Detroit Tigers, Tampa Bay Rays: 2595 hits, 1576 runs, 489 2Bs, 389 SBs
IVAN RODRIGUEZ, Texas Rangers, Florida Marlins, Detroit Tigers, New York Yankees, Houston Astros, Washington Nationals: 310 HR, 1321 RBIs, 567 2Bs, 2825 hits
BILLY WAGNER, Houston Astros, Philadelphia Phillies, New York Mets, Boston Red Sox, Atlanta Braves: 422 saves, 2.31 ERA, 1.00 WHIP, .187 BAA
TREVOR HOFFMAN, San Diego Padres, Milwaukee Brewers: 601 saves, 2.87 ERA, 1.06 WHIP
JAMIE MOYER, Chicago Cubs, Texas Rangers, Baltimore Orioles, Seattle Mariners, Philadelphia Phillies: 267 wins, 2405 Ks
RANDY JOHNSON, Montreal Expos, Seattle Mariners, Houston Astros, Arizona Diamondbacks, New York Yankees, San Francisco Giants: 303 wins, 3.29 ERA, 1,17 WHIP. 4, 875 Ks
CURT SCHILLING, Baltimore Orioles, Philadelphia Phillies, Arizona Diamondbacks, Boston Red Sox: 216 wins, 3.46 ERA, 1.13 WHIP, 3,116 Ks
Yo, Adrian!!! Rocky has made the Boxing HOF
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by Paulie Walnuts
One of my heroes has finally been inducted into the Hall of Fame. As a kid, I looked up to this guy’s ability to dig deep and perform with his heart. He wasn’t the biggest guy, or the fastest, but he may have been the toughest. Ever.
And he’s not even real.
That’s right, folks. Rocky Balboa himself – Mr. Sylvester Stallone – has been inducted into the Boxing Hall of Fame.
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This is a smart move on the sport’s behalf, although it is incredibly controversial. As we all know, Rocky is a fictional character, and Stallone has never been a boxer. But with the sport struggling to gain fans, the Boxing Writers Association of America voters needed to act. And act they did.
In truth, although many will clearly deny it, Rocky Balboa has transcended the sport of boxing. His name is more famous than any real-life boxer, outside of Muhammad Ali.
He is one of the most powerful movie icons of all time. Think about it.
Boxing has traditionally been regarded with the highest esteem. Muhammad Ali was Tiger Woods for his era. People respect legendary champions like Jack Dempsey, Joe Louis, and Rocky Marciano. But Rocky Balboa has grown bigger than the sport itself.
Think about the following scenarios. Imagine Roy Hobbs from “The Natural” becoming bigger than baseball. Imagine Paul Crewe from “The Longest Yard” becoming bigger than football. Imagine Jesus Shuttlesworth from “He Got Game” becoming bigger than the NBA.
Sounds stupid, right? Impossible? Each of these characters is fictional, but I argue that if Roy Hobbs ever started getting mentioned in the same sentence as Babe Ruth, then he would belong in the Baseball Hall of Fame. I argue the same, then, for Rocky Balboa – especially since this character has brought so much positive attention to boxing.
Congratulations to one of my all-time favorite characters.
You're Breaking My Heart...University of Michigan...
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by Paulie Walnuts
“There was a time.” This quote is rather overused. When I hear it, however, I think of two things. One is the movie “Lucky Number Slevin.” Bruce Willis’ character utters it shortly before he breaks some guy’s neck.
The second thing is Michigan football, which is breaking my heart.
So, let me whine.
There was a time. Michigan owned Ohio State. Michigan State was referred to as “Little Brother.” Now, under Rich Rodriguez, Michigan is 0-6 against them.
There was a time. Michigan’s defense destroyed opposing teams. No one could score on them. Now they’re lucky to crack the top 100.
There was a time. Michigan won a National Title. Actually, they won lots of them. They were perpetually ranked in the top 10. Now, Northwestern has a better football program.
There was a time when Michigan provided a cast of draft picks. Tom Brady. Charles Woodson. David Harris. Larry Foote. Braylon Edwards. Jake Long. Chad Henne. Mike Hart. Jeff Backus. And the list goes on.
Now, Michigan is mired in mediocrity. Thanks, Rich-Rod.
Maybe Athletic Director David Brandon will have the sense to fire Rich Rodriguez, a brilliant offensive coach who unfortunately has no sense of defense or tradition. Maybe Brandon will bring in Jim Harbaugh, a Michigan alum and former player, to show Rodriguez what it’s like to appreciate rivalries; to show Rodriguez what it’s like to play defense; to show Rodriguez what it’s like to win; to show Rodriguez what it means to be a part of Michigan football.
I want to win again.
Let’s start now.
Excrement List: Oakland Raiders' Richard Seymour
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by Paulie Walnuts
Richard Seymour. What are you doing? I mean, I know Ben Roethlisberger probably deserves to be punched, and in other circumstances I might back you up. But during a football game? When you know you’re gonna be fined for it? And a whole bunch of little kids who look up to you are watching?
And when the guy is wearing a helmet?! Yeah, that’s really good for your hand. And your image. Maybe that’s why they shipped you out of New England. Enjoy the mediocrity you’ll be forced to endure for 10 years as a member of the Raiders.
Or, as Chris Berman would say, “Da Raidaohglkgjaluers.”
Richard Seymour – you, sir, are excrement.
You're Breaking My Heart Braylon Edwards
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Paulie Walnuts’ “You’re Breaking My Heart” List
This is yet another new series for me. The names that I’ll include here would typically make it to the Excrement List, except that they’re people I actually like. This is where I get to piss and moan and act like a whiney bitch.
Braylon Edwards. You’re first.
This is the guy who single-handedly led Michigan back in the last 6 minutes to beat Michigan State. I fucking hate Michigan State.
This is the guy who led Michigan to their last win over Ohio State. I loathe Ohio State.
This is the guy who had the Cleveland Browns back on the right track. This is the guy whose 16 touchdown receptions led the league, and helped send a very average quarterback – Derek Anderson – make it to the Pro Bowl. I happen to really like the Browns.
This is the guy who changed a dying kid’s life. This is the guy who guaranteed a touchdown for that kid and scored two. This is the guy whose Browns jersey and autographed NFL football were buried with that kid.
This is the guy who started the Braylon Edwards Foundation to help other kids in the New York and New Jersey areas out.
This is the guy who, unfortunately, is making some really poor decisions in life right now. Driving under the influence. Child support drama. Acting like a prima donna.
Stop it, Braylon. Be the good person I know you are. You’re breaking my heart.
-Walnuts
THE EXCREMENT LIST: Paulie Wants The Jets To Eat A Goddamn Snack
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by Paulie Walnuts
Oh, Rex. Rex, Rex, Rex. How I hate you.
Remember when Vinny Testaverde, Curtis Martin, and Wayne Chrebet played for the New York Jets? Remember when the Jets were actually likeable?
When I think Jets, I think Joe Namath’s guarantee. I think Joe Namath running to the locker room after Super Bowl III, waving the “we’re number 1” finger in the air.
So, Rex Ryan, I’m waving a finger at you. Guess which one?
I despise the Jets. Rex Ryan is an ass. Mark Sanchez played for USC. Braylon Edwards is acting out like a ten year old. Darrelle Revis is a whiner. Shonn Greene is lazy.
I could go on and on.
This addition to my excrement list was initially reserved for Rex Ryan. He, quite obviously, gives fat people a bad name (most overweight people are actually nice, and some are quite attractive). Rex Ryan is nothing but a fat slob. With a bad attitude. However, after a lot of thinking, I’m including the whole franchise on this list.
What a bunch of undisciplined children. I hate ‘em. And you should too.
J-E-T-S - Jets, Jets, Jets! You are all…every last one of you…EXCREMENT.
-Walnuts
Football
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by Beerwad
We are less than 2 weeks from the beginning of another football season. My favorite pro team is the Chicago Bears. I'm kind of like a bear in that I hybernate 7 months of the year in order to eat, breathe, sleep, and obsess about football 24/7 for the next 5 months.
It all starts on September 2nd, a Thursday night. This is the beginning of the college football season with a half slate of games scheduled. Headlined by a matchup of Pitt vs. the Utah Utes (not in the 'My Cousin Vinny' sense of the term, either. As in "deez two utes") on Vs.
Shortly after Saturday's games we will start seeing the fallout from the pundit's bumbling preseason rankings. These rankings are wildly inaccuate, and have long term repercussions to teams not perceived to be elite before the season - i.e. Ohio State starts the season ranked #2 and some other school starts unranked.
If they both finish the season 10-2, Ohio State will be ranked fifth, while the other school will be ranked eighth. Ohio State will recieve an at large bid to a BCS bowl and the $18 million that goes with it. The other school will likely get stuck playing the against 6-6 Notre Dame in the Gator Nowl. But i digress.
The first weekend of college football also brings with it your fantasy draft. A bunch of non-athletic guys drinking beers and bagging on each other's every selection. Some guy's gonna ask in the fifth round "has Drew Brees been taken?"
It is your obligation as a sportsman, not to punch this fellow in the brain. Just deal with it. Then there's the guy that agonizes about which kicker to select in the last round. We all want to go home guy, just take Jason Hanson. You know you want to have a reason to watch the Lions every Sunday anyways.
And during the season somebody is going to get Chris Johnson for a fourth round pick next year. Again, you mustn't punch these fellows in their respective brains. Just deal with the fact that you'd have given your favorite testicle for Johnson, if you'd have known his fantasy owner was lobotomized and felt like trading the best player for a mid level draft pick.
Gawd.
And you'll be double pissed if your league is a keeper league.
The NFL kicks off the following Thursday with the Vikings vs. the Saints, a NFC championship rematch. Maybe Brett Favre will show up. Maybe he'll even remember not to throw late over the middle this time. That is if the dementia hasn't progressed to the point of no return.
And so for the next 3 months there will be a football game on 5 nights a week. If you're married, or otherwise spoken for, you'll have to watch a lot of Cake Boss, Bridezillas, Say Yes to the Dress, and Dancing with the Stars on Tuesday and Wednesday nights to make up for all the football you've been watching. my advice to you is to let your eyes glaze over, smile and nod when need be, and try to figure out who you're going to play in your fantasy team's flex position this week. And for pete's sake, go with the guy who's playing against the Lions.
Bowl season brings the office betting pool and a chance to prove again that you are the smartest man alive. Try to convince these part time football fans to make it interesting. Maybe a monetary wager. Or maybe, something more humiliating. If you have an Ohio State fan in the office, nothing chaps their ass more than having to wear a U of M hoodie for a week. If only that moron could read what the shirt said. God damn Buckeye.
January, and the NFL playoffs, pass quickly. February 6th is the Super Bowl. Normally this is a game contested by 2 teams you don't give a wet fart about.
The attraction of the Super Bowl is the party. Lots of beer and more food than you can handle. Even the wives will watch the Super Bowl because of all of those funny little commercials. So this is the one game you can watch without ear plugs.
So you stuff your face and swill as many beers as you can. Until some crappy 70's band drags their carcas' to midfield to do snipets of their greatest hits. which by the way, were originally released on vinyl. (Tom Petty excluded of course). With the second half comes a sense of depression. This is the end. The longest possible time until more football. You've ingested as much cheese and beer as your pantline will allow, and you begin to feel sleepy.
That's the beginning of hibernation. Sleep tight.
Cuponk: Grooming 8-Year Old Alcoholics
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by Xena
One Word: Cuponk
I was watching cartoons with my 4-year old this morning and, of course, it was chock full of BS commercials attempting to market toys that are overpriced and ridiculous. While annoyed with most of them, I wasn't really disturbed until the commercial for “Cuponk” came on.
What is “Cuponk” you ask?
It is a game manufactured by Hasbro, which comes with drinking sized cup and a ping-pong ball. When you throw the ball in the cup- the base lights up. The commercial even has videos of kids making ridiculous shots. Sounds like it should be innocent, right?
Well, anybody who has been to Beerwad's recent birthday extravaganza's or a college party in the past 5-7 years knows that if you add a bit of Busch Light to the equation and you have the #1 binge drinking game played by co-eds around the country- Beer Pong. It is just sick, wrong and plastered all over “Nickelodeon”.
And, to make matters worse- the “Cuponk” commercials were directed by Bam Margera. For those of you that are not familiar with Bam, he became famous with the “Jack Ass” Crew for doing things like drinking horse semen or getting shot with a tazer. He then moved on to his own show “Viva La Bam” which was solely based on the humiliation of his parents and his mentally-challenged Uncle Vito. I can safely say that, while funny, Bam Margera is the perfect example of what you do not want your child to turn into.
I do have to say that the shots made by some of the kids in the commercial are pretty impressive. But, every kid in the commercial looks like they are going to be a fraternity douche-bags in about 2-3 years, so maybe Hasbro is just preparing them for the inevitable.
4
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by RFP
After six months of speculation, Brett Favre officially decided to return to the NFL for a 20th season today, a decision that 99.8% of football fans had already thought was imminent about mid-way through last season.
Prepare for another full season of Favre shilling Wrangler jeans during commercial breaks, John Madden falling in love all over again, Frank Caliendo making a lot of money imitating John Madden falling in love with Favre all over again, and lots of football analysts liberally using the term "gunslinger" in reference to #4.
In celebration of the fact that the sporting world no longer has to endure the painful process of the Minnesota Vikings courting Brett Favre, lets play word association. Things related to or involving the word "four" and all its various spellings.
What a Golfer Shouts:
Or, specifically, what Tiger Woods should have yelled right before he bounced a golf ball off that dude's face. Not making any friends, Tiger.
Foreshadowing
All this ankle talk. Write this down. At some point during this season, Brett Favre's allegedly gimpy ankle will become a story. My guess is the playoffs. He'll get hit real hard and immediately start limping around. This hit will ideally occur with the Vikings down by a score with a minute left in the game. Favre will then drive his team down the field on one leg, throwing the winning TD with seconds to spare. What a story that will be. And it will happen. After it does, watch as many sporting shows as you can to see how many times they refer to Favre's performance as "gritty".
Maybe he'll even have a bloody sock.
Four
The number of movies that made more money than Scott Pilgrim vs. the World last weekend. It's a shame because this is one of the most imaginative films you'll see all year.
But it's also the type of movie that's going to become a cult classic and live on for countless years in ways that most movies don't.
My guess is the more unimaginative section of America saw the trailers for it and instantly rejected the video game universe that Pilgrim exists in and stayed away.
The best part is that the people who instantly dub this film "stupid" are the same people who flock to see Transformers. Watch both movies back to back and tell me which one is stupid and unrealistic.
Scott Pilgrim has defeat his girlfriend's 7 angry ex's in order to date her, but isn't that what everyone has to do? Everyone has to deal with the accumulated baggage of anyone they date. In Scott Pilgrim's world, this baggage takes a physical form.
Beneath all the special effects and video game references is a movie about a young man growing up.
Fortitude (as in mental fortitude)
Adrian Peterson, arguably the best running back in football, attributes a lack of mental focus to the 7 fumbles he had last year. He had 2 in the NFC championship game. And a botched handoff attributed to Favre. Yet all anyone can remember is the interception that Favre threw at the end of the game. He didn't blow a trip to the Super Bowl by himself.
Rocky IV
The one where Rocky fights Ivan Drago (Dolph Lundgren). The one-time Master of the Universe is one of the badasses in The Expendables. I don't know where he is been or what he's been doing, but, man, does he look like shit.
Anyways, in a bit where Sylvester Stallone answered reader's questions on AICN, Stallone revealed what he thought happened to Rocky's opponents after each movie. I will leave you with Sly's thoughts on the matter:
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