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Joey Chestnut: Hero or Zero?
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by Beerwad
He did it again! Our patriotic hot dog eating hero, Joey Chestnut won his fifth consecutive "Nathan's Hot Dog Eating" championship! Noticibly absent was former record holder and six time champion, Takeru Kobayashi.
Due to an inability to come to a contractual agreement with Major League Eating (the governing body of competitive eating), Kobayashi has not been able to participate in the July 4th event the last 2 years.
i view this as a conspiricy between Major League Eating and Joey Chestnut to run off the only real competition.
Last year Kobayashi stormed the stage after the event in a shirt that read "free kobi", in protest of his exclusion from the event. He was promptly arrested, and after the cameras turned away was beaten half to death.
This year Kobayashi staged his own one man hot dog eating event at a Manhattan restaurant. With the Nathan's event on televisions behind him, he broke Joey Chestnut's record of 68 hot dogs and buns in 10 minutes by eating 69.
Major League Eating refuses to acknowledge Kobayashi's 69 as a record because it "did not occur in competition".
Chestnut, in lock step with his co-conspiritors, stated "it was no different than what I do at practice on my own and I'm able to break a record at my house"
If Toby Keith was here right now Joey, he'd tell you the Statue of Liberty is shaking her fist squarely in your direction.
You see Joey, us real patriots aren't much for cowards like you. We can't stand watching you hide behind Major League Eating. And i personally regret placing you on a list with such great patriots as "Hacksaw" Jim Duggan and Tom Brady. If you don't step up and whip this Osama Bin Hot Dog, It's like you're spitting on the American flag. And for that you're going to have me and Toby Keith to answer to.
-beerwad
Football
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by Beerwad
We are less than 2 weeks from the beginning of another football season. My favorite pro team is the Chicago Bears. I'm kind of like a bear in that I hybernate 7 months of the year in order to eat, breathe, sleep, and obsess about football 24/7 for the next 5 months.
It all starts on September 2nd, a Thursday night. This is the beginning of the college football season with a half slate of games scheduled. Headlined by a matchup of Pitt vs. the Utah Utes (not in the 'My Cousin Vinny' sense of the term, either. As in "deez two utes") on Vs.
Shortly after Saturday's games we will start seeing the fallout from the pundit's bumbling preseason rankings. These rankings are wildly inaccuate, and have long term repercussions to teams not perceived to be elite before the season - i.e. Ohio State starts the season ranked #2 and some other school starts unranked.
If they both finish the season 10-2, Ohio State will be ranked fifth, while the other school will be ranked eighth. Ohio State will recieve an at large bid to a BCS bowl and the $18 million that goes with it. The other school will likely get stuck playing the against 6-6 Notre Dame in the Gator Nowl. But i digress.
The first weekend of college football also brings with it your fantasy draft. A bunch of non-athletic guys drinking beers and bagging on each other's every selection. Some guy's gonna ask in the fifth round "has Drew Brees been taken?"
It is your obligation as a sportsman, not to punch this fellow in the brain. Just deal with it. Then there's the guy that agonizes about which kicker to select in the last round. We all want to go home guy, just take Jason Hanson. You know you want to have a reason to watch the Lions every Sunday anyways.
And during the season somebody is going to get Chris Johnson for a fourth round pick next year. Again, you mustn't punch these fellows in their respective brains. Just deal with the fact that you'd have given your favorite testicle for Johnson, if you'd have known his fantasy owner was lobotomized and felt like trading the best player for a mid level draft pick.
Gawd.
And you'll be double pissed if your league is a keeper league.
The NFL kicks off the following Thursday with the Vikings vs. the Saints, a NFC championship rematch. Maybe Brett Favre will show up. Maybe he'll even remember not to throw late over the middle this time. That is if the dementia hasn't progressed to the point of no return.
And so for the next 3 months there will be a football game on 5 nights a week. If you're married, or otherwise spoken for, you'll have to watch a lot of Cake Boss, Bridezillas, Say Yes to the Dress, and Dancing with the Stars on Tuesday and Wednesday nights to make up for all the football you've been watching. my advice to you is to let your eyes glaze over, smile and nod when need be, and try to figure out who you're going to play in your fantasy team's flex position this week. And for pete's sake, go with the guy who's playing against the Lions.
Bowl season brings the office betting pool and a chance to prove again that you are the smartest man alive. Try to convince these part time football fans to make it interesting. Maybe a monetary wager. Or maybe, something more humiliating. If you have an Ohio State fan in the office, nothing chaps their ass more than having to wear a U of M hoodie for a week. If only that moron could read what the shirt said. God damn Buckeye.
January, and the NFL playoffs, pass quickly. February 6th is the Super Bowl. Normally this is a game contested by 2 teams you don't give a wet fart about.
The attraction of the Super Bowl is the party. Lots of beer and more food than you can handle. Even the wives will watch the Super Bowl because of all of those funny little commercials. So this is the one game you can watch without ear plugs.
So you stuff your face and swill as many beers as you can. Until some crappy 70's band drags their carcas' to midfield to do snipets of their greatest hits. which by the way, were originally released on vinyl. (Tom Petty excluded of course). With the second half comes a sense of depression. This is the end. The longest possible time until more football. You've ingested as much cheese and beer as your pantline will allow, and you begin to feel sleepy.
That's the beginning of hibernation. Sleep tight.
The Greatest Movie Villains of All Time: Top Ten
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comments (6)
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by Beerwad
No boring intro, just the meat and potatos, so to speak.
10. Annie Wilkes (Kathy Bates) - "Misery": The definitive posessive broad. One word, "hobble".
xena 1, walnuts and rfp 0.
9. Keyser Soze (Kevin Spacey) - "The Usual Suspects" : It blew my mind when Verbal Kint went from patsy to criminal mastermind. I do believe in God, and the only thing that scares me is Keyser Soze! walnuts and xena 1, rfp 0.
8. The Candyman (Tony Todd) - "Candyman": The raspy voice and bloody hook could qualify as cliche, if he wasn't so frickin' scary! And nobody guessed him.
7. Satan (Al Pacino) "The Devil's Advocate": The best actor playing the ultimate villain. It made me squirm because he made me like him. And nobody guessed him.
6. Hannibal Lecter (Anthony Hopkins) "Silence of the Lambs": The most cerebral villain on the list, hands down. he would feed his victims to unwitting party guests. rfp gets on the board, but so does everybody else. walnuts and xena 2, rfp 1.
5. Jason Voorhees - "Friday the 13th": An iconic villain, but he doesn't really blow my hair back. His place in pop culture I feel, warrants this high ranking. Everybody gets a point, walnuts and xena 3, rfp 2.
4. The Terminator (Arnold Schwarzenegger) "Terminator" : He won't stop! EVER! Until you're dead! Another consensus pick. walnuts and xena 4, rfp 3. still anyones ballgame.
3. The Joker (Heath Ledger) "The Dark Knight": A brilliant performance by a brilliant young actor. Even though the movie was pretty average.
That one settled the contest. Walnuts was the only one to get Heath Ledger's Joker and everybody guessed the top 2. He wins the uber grand prize package!
there's just one order of business to address. i need your help to pick the top villain of all time..................................
Click on the link below to vote! AND....if you think that good ol' Beerwad has left someone out of the Top 10 or even the top 50, please comment below and tell him that he's a moron as well as your picks for who should have made the list.
Greatest Movie Villains of All Time: #30-11
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by Beerwad
Who wants to win a fantastic prize package?
Well, I'm giving one away! I'm sponsoring another uber grand prize giveaway! You guys know the drill. Whomever can guess the most villains from my top ten will win..................................A BRAND NEW CAR!!!!!!!!!!!!!! jk.
How about a 1987 Topps Craig James football card, a 1990 Hoops Vlade Divac rookie card, and a photo with yours truly to be used as my m.r.s. default photo?!
That's right, this can all be yours, so choose your villains carefully!
As it turns out, I lied about not having an old movie villain on the list. But, happily, she fell at number 11 so I didn't have to change the list to maintain the integrity of the uber grand prize giveaway.
Anywho.
30. The Emperor (Ian McDiarmid) - "Star Wars"
29. Johnny Ringo (Michael Biehn) - "Tombstone"
28. Norman Bates (Anthony Perkins) - "Psycho"
27. Leatherface (Gunnar Hansen, Andrew Bryniarski) - "Texas Chainsaw
Massacre"
26. Tony Montana (Al Pacino) - "Scarface"
25. Ivan Drago (Dolph Lundgren) - "Rocky IV"
24. John Herrod (Gene Hackman) - "The Quick and the Dead"
23. Anton Chigurh (Javier Bardem) - "No Country for Old Men"
22. T1000 (Robert Patrick) - "Terminator 2"
21. The Predator (Kevin Peter Hall) - "Predator"
20. Bud Kilmer (Jon Voight) - "Varsity Blues"
19. Detective Alonzo Harris (Denzel Washington) "Training Day"
18. Detective Stansfield (Gary Oldman) "The Professional"
17. Jigsaw (Tobin Bell) "Saw"
16. Colonel Nathan Jessup (Jack nicholson) "A Few Good Men"
15. Idi Amin (Forrest Whitaker) - "The Last King of Scotland"
14. Max Cady (Robert Deniro) - "Cape Fear"
13. Pennywise (Tim Curry) - "It"
12. Michael Myers (Tony Moran) - "Halloween"
11. The Wicked Witch of the West (Margaret Hamilton) - "The Wizard of Oz"
The Greatest Movie Villains of All Time: 50-31
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by Beerwad
I like to make lists. Something about ranking stuff like I'm some kind of authority really blows my hair back.
So I decided to rank the best silver screen villains of all time. As I looked over the finished product, I realized it was a very modern list. This proves my theory that old movies blow.
There were a couple of guidelines I used to disqualify a few bad guys. First, the villain had to be played on screen by an actor/actress. This disqualified Scar from "The Lion King", and the shark from "Jaws". When i realized that Count Dracula from the 1931 version of "Dracula" was the only bad guy in a movie older than 35 years, it had to go. Sorry Bella Legosi.
Also, I'm going to have another major award for whoever can guess the most of the top ten. So without further ado...................
50. Dark helmet (Rick Moranis) - "Spaceballs"
49. Payton Flanders (Rebecca de Mornay)- "The Hand that Rocks the Cradle"
48. Ike Turner (Lawrence Fishburne) - "What's Love Got to Do With It?"
47. Dad Meiks (Bill Paxton) - "Frailty"
46. Colin Sullivan (Matt Damon) - The Departed"
45. Tyler Durden (Brad Pitt) - "Fight Club"
44. Debo (Tiny "Zues" Lister) - "Friday"
43. Warden Norton (Bob Gunton) - The Shawshank Redemption"
42. John Doe (Kevin Spacey) - "se7en"
41."Little" Bill Daggett (Gene Hackman) - "The Unforgiven"
40. Dr. Evil (Mike Myers) - "Austin Powers"
39. The Joker (Jack Nicholson) - "Batman"
38. Warden Glenn (Gary Oldman) - "Murder in the First"
37. Ghostface (Skeet Ulrich, Mathew Lillard) - "Scream"
36. Benny Blanco from the Bronx (John Liguizamo) - "Carlito's Way"
35. Khan (Ricardo Montalban) - "Star Trek II: Revenge of Khan"
34. Biff Tannen "mad dog" tannen (Thomas F Wilson) - "Back to the Future"
33. Ezazel (John Goodman) - "Fallen"
32. Mr. Smith (Hugo Weaving) - "The Matrix"
31. Frank Lucas (Denzel Washington) - "American Gangster"
-Beerwad
Mike Knowles, High School Track Coach,Grade-A Douche
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comments (4)
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by Beerwad
Late last month in Pasadena, California a wild thing happened. A girl made a do or die pole vault to capture the school's first league championship. Or did she?
After clearing the bar, opposing coach Mike Knowles was yelling at an official and gesturing towards his wrist. The girl was wearing a thin, colorful string bracelet. And just as quickly as she had cleared the bar and won the championship, she was disqualified and her team lost.
Since this event on April 29, Mike Knowles has taken quite a beating in the press. But I feel this is the kind of guy that deserves a few extra kicks while we have him down. Besides, you haven't had a brow beating until you get one from Beerwad!
"This is my 30th year coaching track. I know a lot of rules and regulations" said Knowles days later.
Did you know the human head weighs 8 pounds, Mike Knowles?
"It's unfortunate, that's all I can say. It's unfortunate for the young lady. But you've got to teach the kids that rules are rules."
That's right. You were teaching her a valuable life lesson. I believe you. Turd biter.
The girl's own coach, P.J. Hernandez, was quoted as saying "Mike Knowles was down by the pole vault pit, kind of waiting and sitting there, keeping an eye on our girl, waiting for her to make the attempt and make the call. I'm upset that he wanted to win so badly that he would do it in that way."
Knowles denies lying in wait.
Bull huckey! What a load of bull spit! Who does this guy think he's fooling!? I swear to Jesus that if i had a time machine, I would use it to go back in time and kill Mike Knowles' mother!
I take offense to the suggestion that this was done to teach. Mike Knowles is a real life Bud Kilmer (Varsity Blues, for those who need a foot note). The only thing this pillow biter taught these kids is how to be a petty, whining, low charactor, underhanded, cheating, manipulative, sissy boy, yellow bellied, burgleflickle.
And i can say these things because at MRS, it's my job to set a bad example. It's Mike Knowles' job to set a good example.
The definition of jewelry: objects of precious metal often set with jems, worn for personal adornment.
It's not my intention to debate wether or not a friendship bracelet constitutes jewelry. But does it?
I really don't give a cuss if it does or doesn't. She could have been wearing a diamond tiarra and Mr. Ts necklaces for all I care. It wasn't a magic bracelet that gave her super powers. It wasn't lighter than air. She didn't clear the bar in a hot air balloon. Jesus jumped up Christ, man.
I hope you're really proud, Mike Knowles. You sir, are a champion. I wouldn't get too close to that girl at next year's conference championship track meet. She might take that pole and make an eight foot Mike-Knowles-cicle out of you. And I might laugh my darned fool head off.
-Beerwad
Thanks Mom
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by Beerwad
Thanks for getting drunk at an R.E.O. Speedwagon concert and conceiving me in the back of a van in the parking lot.
Thanks for not naming me R.E.O. Speedwagon, or van.
Thanks for never referring to me as an "accident".
Thanks for warning me "no sex, no drugs, no alchohol" before my first day of Kindergarten, and every day after that until prom night.
Thanks for never missing a soccer game.
Thanks for threatening to slit the coaches throat when he wouldn't play me.
Thanks for being mom and dad for half my childhood.
Thanks for breaking every wooden object you could get your hands on over my behind.
Thanks for going to work when you were sick.
Thanks for telling anyone who will listen that i'm the best boy in the world. Even though i'm almost thirty, and clearly only slightly above average.
Thanks for being my friend.
Of Michigan Sports and Hooters
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by Beerwad
September 12, 2009.
Michigan and Notre Dame are renewing their annual football rivalry. I am holding tickets to see my favorite band (Our Lady Peace) play in Grand Rapids. This is almost a two hour drive, which i have to make while the game is going on. I don't miss Mighigan football for any reason. And i mean that. Don't schedule your wedding on a Saturday in the fall and expect me to show up.
I pick up Bets and begin the trek across the state. I'm listening to the game on the a.m. radio, mixing in loud whoo's with steering wheel beatings as the game seasaws back and forth. Watching bets try to conceal the doody in her pants was quite comical.
The 4th quarter was just beginning as i exited the highway in Grand Rapids. I realize that I have an hour before the doors open at the olp concert. If i could find a sports bar, I could watch the conclusion of the game. And then on my right, like a gift from God, were the glowing orange orbs of hooters.
This was perfect. I was with my sister. i could alternate staring blankly at the boob tube, and at the tubed boobs with no shame. Unfortunately, as my luck would have it my waitress was 8 1/2 months pregnant. That's just not right. It was like going to hooters and having a waiter. fml.
Michigan did score a winning touchdown with 11 seconds left in the game. I wept. Our Lady Peace was awesome, and i was 12 feet from the stage. And i wept.
april 11, 2010.
I'm at Comerica Park for my first Tigers game of the season. I'm enjoying the company of Triggerrrr, Xena, their youngling Cayenne, and my wife Tic Tac.
The Tigers trail 5-0 before they even get to bat. At one point they trail 7-1. But they begin to chip away at the lead.
Going into the bottom of the ninth inning they trail only by 2 runs, 8-6. After the leadoff man grounded out, the next two batters reach base. As Xena's Tiger Carlos Guillen strides to the plate, Cayenne announces with enthusiasm that it's time to go to the bathroom. Seconds after they disappear to the bathroom, Guillen smacks an RBI double. Xena returns and asks what she's missed. Then she informs us that Cayenne reached the little girls room and announced that she didn't really have to go peepee.
After a Brandon Inge groundout, Ramon Santiago drew a walk to load the bases.
With the score 8-7 and the bases loaded, Jim Leyland decided to pinch hit Johnny Damon for the poor hitting catcher Gerald Laird (whom before his last at bat was hitting a cool 0-17 for the season).
He walked on 4 pitches, forcing in the tying run. Cleveland pitcher Chris Perez threw the very first pitch to rookie second baseman Scott Sizemore wild, and Xena's Tiger scampered home to cap the victory.
After the game we went searching for food. I used my veto power to avoid Mcdonald's (Cayenne's choice), and as we pulled to a stop next to Hooters Xena tells us that while in the bathroom on a false alarm, the television told her that after a Tigers victory, a ticket stub would get us 10 free boneless wings with the purchase of 10 boneless wings.
This is a Detroit Hooters mind you. It looks like a crack house with a neon Hooters sign hanging over the porch.
I'm expecting Hooter girls with bullet wounds and track marks. over walks a buxom young lass that i would catigorize as, well, a knockout. Boobs falling out of the uniform and everything.
Going to Hooters with the wife. Dumb idea. i spent dinner staring at my shoes. And i wept.
-Beerwad
Secret Love Children
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comments (6)
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by Beerwad
This is an expose on secret pop culture love children. It started out as a simple list of overrated celebrity dames. But when i dug a little deeper, I found the dirt on all these broads.
The following is a list of ugly folks passing for hot and their true linneage. Be sure when you make your list of five fantasy fornications, you leave off the Nasty Nine!
In no particular order:
1. Christina Ricci
lovechild of: Morticia Adams and Steve Buscemi
2. Kat Von D
lovechild of: Travis Barker and Snookie
3. Kate Winslet
lovechild of: Madonna and Prince Charles
4. Natasha Bedingfield
lovechild of: Keith Urban and Minnie Driver
5. Maria Sharipova
lovechild of: Shelley Long and Martina Navratilova
6. Erin Andrews:
lovechild of: Brent Musburger and Tipper Gore
7. Angelina Jolie
lovechild of: Steven Tyler and Mateen Cleaves
8. Rihana
lovechild of: Pink and Adam Lambert
9. Taylor Swift
lovechild of: Faith Hill and a poodle
-Beerwad
Lookin' Like a Fool...
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comments (6)
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by Beerwad
I've spent my first week back to work in the Beecher ghetto. This means that on top of the every day joys of my job, I get to watch the decay of society walk past while I eat my turkey-and-hot-sauce-on-hillbilly sandwich.
Many of them will walk past me with a plastic bag full of empty bottles, and minutes later walk past me the other way with one full bottle.
High school aged kids walk around from the crack of 10:30, until we leave at 3:30. My main concern is not their disreguard for their education, but their choice of pants. Most of these kids have their ass pockets on the backsides of their knees.
There is a special walk that one must master to wear their pants in this fashion.
step 1. Buy a pair of pants 3-5 sizes too big for your body
step 2. Apply pants so that the top waist line is no higher than the bottom of your ass
step 3. Set your feet 6'' beyond shoulder width apart.
step 4. Walk with a slow gait in a manner such as you would if trying to discretely remove your underwear from the crack of your ass.
But I find myself just as frustrated when i'm working in upper middle class suburbia.
I have to watch the self-loathing emo kids scuttle past in their sister's pants (while i eat my turkey-and-hot-sauce-on-hillbilly-sandwich).
I don't think there is any specific method to wearing these pants. All that is required is a younger sister and a shoe horn.
I think both methods of pant-wearing are pretty retarded. I'm curious which one is more irksome to you.
-Beerwad
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