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The Hat Trick, vol. 3: The Good Guy

Posted by Miserable Retail Slave on February 2, 2012 at 9:45 PM

by RFP

For the Hat Trick, we reach into a hat and pull out a movie that we are forced to watch and review. Why? Well, why not? I reached into the hat and this is what I got....

"I want to touch her where she pees"

The Good Guy (2009)

starring Alexis Bledel, Scott Porter, Bryan Greenberg, Andrew McCarthy (all star cast!)

Remember those short stories you wrote when you were 16?

If you never tried to write a short story when you were 16, do you remember when that kid you used to know wrote a short story and made you read it?

The Good Guy is what happens when someone takes the short story that they wrote when they were 16 and turn it into a screenplay and eventually a barely released indie romance film starring a former Gilmore Girl.

Your setting is a brokerage firm on Wall Street or maybe somewhere left of Wall Street to avoid confusion with a much better movie dealing with a stock brokerage firm. In this firm, most of the key players have Top Gun style nicknames like Shakerspeare, Steve-O, and Cash.

Andrew McCarthy plays Cash, the head of this particular firm. The Good Guy is what happens to former Brat Packers whose careers peak in 1987. For the two of you who are wondering, I believe career fell off drastically after Mannequin. You can't get any better than Mannequin.

Anyways, McCarthy's Cash has a penis for a brain (or brain in his penis? eh?), so that everything that leaves his mouth is either precluded by a variation of "fuck" or is dripping with not-so-subtle sexual innuendo. Example: "That guy couldn't sell vagina on a pirate ship. Daniel is a lovely fella. He's about as much fun as chlamydia."

That's the level of quality we're dealing with here.

The narrator is Tommy Fielding (Scott Porter), the hotshot head seller at the firm, who has everything in life, including deep thoughts such as: "If you thought Wall Street was full of bullshitters, you should try having a relationship here" followed by the ever-popular, perpetually cliched "love is a warzone" metaphor. If you're Pat Benetar, you'll disagree and believe that love is a battlefield, but to each his/her own.

He's mostly referring to his main girlfriend, Beth (that Gilmore girl, Alexis Bledel), and the several other relationships he has scattered throughout the city, but that's definitely a "twist" that I completely ruined for you, but that you should see coming from the start if you are a sane, coherent human being.

Tommy has to mentor Daniel, a shy broker in the firm, after one of the top sellers there takes a better paying job. Daniel's standard is a joke which goes: "What do you call a fish with two knees? A two knee fish." He's what your parents and Huey Lewis would call a square. So am I, since I just made a Huey Lewis reference.

In a wacky twist o' fate, Daniel sees Beth in a bookstore while on the phone with Tommy. Tommy says to go make a move on the cute girl in the bookstore, not knowing he's advising his boy to mack on his lady. UH-OH!

In order to further groom his protege, Tommy continues to blow off Beth when she wants to hang out and chat, all the while giving Daniel advice on how to woo the mysterious book store girl. UH-OH!

In another inspired scene reminiscent of the almost iconic scene from The 40 year Old Virgin where Steve Carell has his chest waxed and yells "Kelly Clarkson," Beth and her friends chat about life and relationships while getting their vaginas waxed. One of her friends blurts out "Oh bitch fucker!" Humor.

At any rate, Daniel finds out that Tommy and Beth are dating at their company party and ends up being the only male in Beth's book club.

You can probably connect the dots here as to how this one ends. All I can say is that the ending to The Good Guy is the most sickeningly sappy happy ending that I have ever seen.

The Final Word: "Personally, I don't think there's anything wrong with bulimia at all" - Shakespeare, a black broker with a faux English accent, trying to pick up a girl at the bar

My rating for The Good Guy: I reached into the hat to pull out a rabbit and pulled out the steaming, rotting remains of Andrew McCarthy's career instead.

-RFP

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The Hat Trick, vol. 1: Deep Blue Sea

Posted by Miserable Retail Slave on January 25, 2012 at 2:35 PM

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by RFP

Last night on Twitter, Amanda, better known on this site as Ro-Ads, got ahold of me and said that we should jump start this venerable website again. She thought we start out by putting a bunch of movies in a hat, randomly grab one out, then watch and review whatever movie we drew out of that hat. This is what I grabbed...

"Beneath this glassy surface, a world of gliding monsters"

Deep Blue Sea (1999)

starring Thomas Jane, Samuel L. Jackson, LL Cool J, Saffron Burrows

If "The Notebook" has taught me anything, it's that Alzheimer's is a horrible, tragic disease and if the rest of pop culture has taught me anything, it's that the future is a bleak, hopeless disaster.

What do these two things have in common and how do they both relate to "Deep Blue Sea"?

If a movie takes place in the future, inevitably some unimaginable occurrence has plunged the planet into a post-apocalyptic nightmare. These events could include, but are not limited to:

1. The ever-popular zombie apocalypse. However, at this point everyone has formulated a foolproof zombie plan, so a potential real-life zombie apocalypse should be thwarted within a matter of days. (ex: I Am Legend, 28 Days Later)

2. A robot uprising. (ex: The Terminator movies; I, Robot; The Matrix trilogy)

3. An alien invasion. (ex: District 9; Battlefield: Earth)

4. A catastrophic environmental disaster that leaves humans on the brink of extinction and the complete breakdown of normal society. (ex: 2012; The Day After Tomorrow; Children of Men; Escape from LA, Mad Max, Waterworld)

5. The last and, in my mind, scariest one: the animals take over.

Anyone who watched "Rise of the Planet of the Apes" knows that the primates of the world were given increased intelligence through a series of experiments designed to cure Alzheimer's Disease, a trait that was passed genetically from generation to generation.

When the planet is controlled by damned dirty apes, where is the only place that's safe? The oceans, maybe? Not so fast. There's always those hyper-intelligent sharks to deal with. Sharks given increased intelligence in "Deep Blue Sea" as a result of what? That's right: experiments designed to cure Alzheimer's.

How can any human survive in a world where super smart sharks and super smart monkeys are trying to kill us all?

Robert Neville (Will Smith) in "I Am Legend" attempts to cure cancer and, instead, turns most of the world's population into rubber-faced rage zombies. The faceless scientists in "28 Days Later" test some strange virus and, a few monkey bites later, there's thousands of zombies sprinting across England.

Now you know why PETA is against animal testing in laboratories. They're just trying to save the world.

Digressions are my curse, I apologize, so let's talk some more about Deep Blue Sea.

In Deep Blue Sea, Dr. Susan McAlester (Saffron Burrows) genetically engineers three super intelligent Mako sharks in order to harvest their brains for an Alzheimer's cure.

Naturally, when crazy scientists muck around things not meant to be for this earth, shit goes south in a hurry.Thomas Jane plays the shark wrangler hired to keep these Makos in check while Preacher (LL Cool J) is the cook who becomes the de facto shark slaying badass.

These sharks eventually become aware of their captivity and yearn to escape to the…wait for it…deep blue sea.

Samuel L. Jackson, making his 157th film (approximately) of the '90s, plays the generous benefactor who funds this experiment. He also gives this memorable pep talk to help pull the survivors together:

"You think water's fast? You should see ice. It moves like it has a mind. Like it knows it killed the world once and got a taste for murder"

That scene is sums up the entire movie as a whole: awful, vacuous dialogue with loud noises and sudden action design to startle your average moviegoer.

However, Ladies Love Cool James and I do too. LL Cool J's Preacher, the foul-mouthed, god-fearing cook in the lab is a fun character to watch, despite the lame material he has to deliver.

For example: "Yea, though I walk through the valley of the shadow of death, I shall fear no evil. For thou art with me. Thy rod and thy staff, they comfort me. Surely goodness and mercy shall follow me all the days of my life. Because I carry a big stick and I'm the meanest mother fucker in the valley! Two sharks down, Lord! One demon fish to go! Can I get an Amen?"

LL Cool J also provides a song to the movie's soundtrack called "Deepest Bluest", the opening line of which is "Deepest, Bluest, my hat is like a shark's fin" So, yeah, the soundtrack is of the same quality as the movie. Cheesy, forgettable, yet so much fun to laugh at. As Preacher says when the final shark is blown up in a sequence that any shark movie connoisseur would immediately compare to the granddaddy of 'em all, Jaws, "Bring me some sushi!"

The Final Word: Carter Blake (Samuel L. jackson): "No, what you've done is taken God's oldest killing machine and given it will and desire. What you've done is knocked us all the way to the bottom of the goddamn food chain. It's not a great leap forward in my book."

My Rating of Deep Blue Sea: I reached in the hat to pull out a rabbit and found a TURD instead.

-RFP

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Leave it to The Beaver (booooo....)

Posted by Miserable Retail Slave on August 22, 2011 at 7:40 PM

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by RFP

It's not a big screen re-imaging of "Leave It to Beaver", but, since every other film released to the cinemas these days is a recycled bit of nostalgia, you're forgiven if you thought this.

Depending on how close to the gutter your mind skews, you may even think "The Beaver" is the latest hardcore porn that you should probably download from bittorrent.

What "The Beaver" actually is is crazy old Mel Gibson playing crazy old Walter Black who wears a beaver puppet on his hand.

Perhaps it's unfair to slap a label such as "crazy" onto a cinematic legend such as Gibson. Maybe all of the questionable behavior and unflattering publicity has stemmed from plain, old fashioned bad luck. Maybe Mel is just a victim of circumstance. Regardless, it's hard to watch "The Beaver" without your mind drawing parallels between the character's tenuous hold on sanity and Gibson's real-life struggles.

The story follows William Black (Mel Gibson), a broken shade of a man who suffers from a deep, unending depression and possibly numerous personality disorders.

After a few botched suicide attempts, an old beaver puppet that Black had rescued from a trash can begins speaking to him in a thick Australian accent. He begins interacting with people exclusively through the puppet, telling everyone to address the beaver by name.

The Beaver's fun, outsized personality quickly replaces Black's depression and he finds that everyone seems to prefer the puppet's personality to his own. Now you know why Dave Coulier used Mr. Woodchuck in so many episodes of Full House.

Black experiences a renewed sense of creativity, resulting in explosive sales for his toy company. His family also embraces Black's new personality, with the exception of his jaded son, Porter (Anton Yelchin), who spends his time writing papers for money at school and trying to impress the brainy cheerleader (Jennifer Lawrence, who played young Mystique) who has hired him to write her valedictorian speech for graduation.

Since the Beaver has made his depression disappear overnight and everything seems to be coming up Milhouse in his life, Black decides that the puppet is not going away any time soon.

The extended period of a grown man using a beaver puppet to communicate slowly begins to wear on everyone and everything that has been gained by the Beaver starts to slip away from Black.

The climax features the Beaver becoming a cult phenomenon, an appearance on the Today show, a Fight Club-esque battle, and a somewhat shocking, but somewhat predictable conclusion.

The ridiculous premise of the film may be a turn off for some, but for others (like me) it's an interesting, off beat project featuring an actor who normally wouldn't tackle such subjects. I think a friendship with director Jodie Foster (who also plays William Black's wife) helped bring Gibson into the fold.

For me, the movie works due to Gibson's great performance. He puts everything he has into this character, a role that alternates from goofy to intense at a moment's notice. The intensity and emotional range that the role requires reminds me of his performance in "Ransom". The "B" plot in the movie concerning Anton Yelchin trying to woo Jennifer Lawrence really doesn't add anything to the main plot of the film. Yelchin, as always, does a great job investing himself in his character, while the upcoming star of The Hunger Games, Lawrence, is merely adequate.

I give "The Beaver" 3 out of 5 pink slips.

-RFP

Check out our latest reviews:

Rise of the Planet of the Apes

Fright Night (1985)

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'Fright Night' - The Quest to Purify My Pop Culture Soul, vol. 22

Posted by Miserable Retail Slave on August 18, 2011 at 7:20 PM

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by RFP

The Quest to Purify My Pop Culture Soul" is RFP's attempt to finally see all of the movies that he's wanted to see. Many of these are some of the most successful films in Hollywood. Some of them didn't make much at all. Chances are, you've seen most of these. Join in the discussion as RFP stops procrastinating and takes the time to experience these movies for the first time.

The Quest to Purify My Pop Culture Soul, vol. 22

'Fright Night' (1985)

starring William Ragsdale, Chris Sarandon, Roddy McDowell

With the upcoming remake starring Colin Farrell and Anton Yelchin due out in theaters on Friday (insert Rebecca Black's ode to that glorious day right here), I figured it was as a good a time as any to check out the original Fright Night.

Vampires are the hot trend in popular media right now, so it's natural that this '80s cult classic gets the remake treatment. Thankfully there's none of those sparkly, big-haired Twilight chuds in this flick. Just old fashioned, blood sucking demons from hell.

The story begins with Charley Brewster (William Ragsdale) getting fresh with his girlfriend, Amy, while his favorite program, a show called Fright Night, plays in the background. In between glancing at the TV and trying to get one past his cold fish girlfriend of a year, Charley notices his new neighbors carrying a coffin into their new home. Kid must have ADD. He really needs to stay on task.

Amy expertly deflects all of Charley's scoring chances, like future hall of fame goaltender, Dominik Hašek, AND then has the nerve to blow off Charley's amazement towards his mysterious new neighbors and their questionable furniture choices.

It's at this point that Fright Night began to remind me of another, more recent film. There's no doubt that Fright Night begins as a riff on the Hitchcock classic, Rear Window, but it only uses that film as a starting point before launching off into another direction - the '80s teen horror genre.

The more recent film that I am thinking of also used Rear Window as a starting point, but then seems to follow Fright Night nearly scene for scene. Call it an homage, call it coincidence, call it plagiarism, but Disturbia starring that Decepticon slayer, Shia Lebeouf, was clearly influenced consciously or not by Fright Night.

Let's break it down.

Exhibit A

Fright Night - New neighbors move in next door to Charley Brewster. The neighbors keep strange hours and their appearance in the neighborhood happen to correspond with the gruesome deaths of several young women.Charley takes it upon himself to spy on the neighbors. At one point he hides in the bushes to spy on them.

Disturbia - Cale Brecht (LeBeouf) bides his time by spying on his neighbors due to a recent house arrest conviction. His new neighbor, Robert Turner (David Morse), keeps strange hours and unsolved murders of women started around the time that he moved in. At one point, Cale hides in the bushes to spy on him.

Exhibit B

One night Charley wakes up and looks into his neighbor's window. He sees his neighbor, Jerry (Chris Sarandon), about to make sexy time with a hot young thing. Charley watches as Jerry takes her top off, expose her neck, and rear back, fangs bared. Jerry happens to look up to stare straight at Charley. Charley freaks out and Jerry closes the curtains.

Cale wakes up to the sound of Turner's car arriving home. Cale watches through the window as Turner tries to seduce a young woman that he's brought home. Turner catches Cale spying on him, gives him the stinkeye and shuts the curtains.

Exhibit C

Charley watches the neighbor drag out a large garbage bag the next day, a bag that he assumes has the woman's body in it.

Ditto for Cale in Disturbia.

Exhibit D

Charley is shocked to find that his mom has invited Jerry into the house (a vampire no-no) to have a drink. Jerry gives Charley some not-so-subtle hints to knock it off and quit spying on him.

Cale is shocked to wake up and find his mom has invited Robert Turner into the house for coffee. He gives Cale some not-so-subtle hints to knock it off and mind his own business.

I could keep going, but, as you can see, the similarities are obvious. We could also comment on how Amy Peterson's borderline ridiculous/frightening vampire look seems to have been the template for Megan Fox's in Jennifer's Body. Who knew Fright Night was so influential?

At any rate, Charley has a vampire problem and the vampire knows that Charley knows that he has a vampire problem. Aside from getting vampire-repelling techniques from his "best friend" Evil Ed (who could easily pass for the Beavis half of the MTV duo), Charley does the only logical thing that he could possibly do: go stalk the hero of Fright Night, Peter Vincent, and ask him to help kill his neighbor. Because obviously an actor who can kill fake vampires has working knowledge on how to kill real ones.

I'm not going to describe the entire plot to you, but I will say that I enjoyed the approach that Jerry the vampire took toward dealing with his nosy teenage neighbor. Instead of killing Charley Brewster outright, the vampire systematically starts destroying his life. I mean, he turns Charley's best friend into a blood-sucker, makes out with his girlfriend and threatens to take her much coveted virginity.

There's plenty of those amazing '80s era horror movie special effects in the finale of the film, the type of effects that looked amazing and relied on the knowledge and ingenuity of talented experts to create. i think a lot of the charm of modern horror and sci-fi has been lost because modern filmmakers rely too much on the crutch of computer generated effects.

The ending is one of those generic finishes where everything seems fine and dandy, but is it really? The little "twist" in the seconds before the credits doesn't even makes sense given how other events in the film have resolved themselves. I know that's vague, but if you watch this movie, giving at least 30% of your attention to watching it, you'll understand exactly what I'm talking about.

Has Some Part of My Pop Culture Soul Been Saved By Watching This Movie?

How much money did The J. Geils Band make for writing and performing the title song, "Fright Night" for this movie? Every movie in the '80s had to have its own signature theme song. Good God. This particular one is the worst soundtrack song I've heard this side of "Batdance".

There's definitely some awful moments in Fright Night. Most of them revolve around the unbelievably annoying Evil Ed. There's the other questionable acting choice made by Chris Sarandon in his full vampire appearance. He adopts this very odd accent and talks in this hesitating stop/start way as if he's playing William Shatner having an asthma attack.

Overall, it's a decent waste of time. Nothing overly exciting, but not the worst movie ever made. I bought this movie on the cheap years ago and it had collected dust on my DVD shelf until this week. I wasn't that excited to see it then, I'm not that excited that I saw it now. It gets a big "eh" from me, but more towards the "eh, s'alright" side of the spectrum.

As for the 2011 Colin Farrell version of Fright Night, one can only assumed the sarcasm, gore, and sex appeal will be amped up for a newer, "hipper" generation. For example, the old fart Peter Vincent has been updated in this version to be a younger, more dashing character as played by everyone's favorite Doctor, the nerd magnet, David Tennant.

This feels like a movie that's somewhat out of place at the tail end of the summer blockbuster movie season. To me, it seems like a film that would do better business during the ramp up to Halloween in October. Then again, I was the guy that felt Captain America: The First Avenger should have came out as close to the 4th of July as possible. I don't get paid to make these business decisions and I'm no expert, so lets see how much business Fright Night actually pulls.

The one thing I do now is that The J. Geils Band's "Fright Night" is, thankfully, not in the updated film. Instead, the producers roll with the contemporary Kid Cudi whose laconic flow in 'No One Believes Me' is miles beyond J. Geils, but still instantly forgettable.

Saved or Failed: SAVED

The next attempt to redeem my pop culture soul happens next week.

If you have seen "Fright Night", your achievement badge is below. Create a folder on your facebook page titled "Film Geek" and save the image to that folder. You'll be able to track your progress and show the world how geeky you really are.

-RFP

You can read previous installments of this column here.

Freddy Krueger in Mortal Kombat 9 and other Video Game Crossovers

Posted by Miserable Retail Slave on July 28, 2011 at 8:56 PM

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Video game developers have always catered to the nerd audience by including subtle (and sometimes, not-so-subtle) crossovers with other areas of pop culture that also appeal to the Starfleet insignia-shaped pleasure center of the standard nerd's brain.

In the biggest heart-stopping nerd-gasm since Mario was finally able to take on Sonic the Hedgehog in Super Smash Bros. Brawl, Warner Bros. announced that Freddy Krueger would be available to download for Mortal Kombat 9 as a playable character.

Krueger fits reasonably well into the mystic and murderous world of the Mortal Kombat universe. Yes, I just typed the phrase "mystic and murderous" and, no, I am not happy about it.

I had no real desire to buy Mortal Kombat 9, mainly because I am completely inept at mashing the buttons crisply enough to properly execute the moves in any fighting game. Whenever I hear the words "Finish Him!" and I see my opponent helpless and dazed, the adrenaline kicks in. You only have a 5 second window to push the buttons in the correct sequence to unleash a finisher and my nerves just can't handle the pressure.

At any rate, this Freddy Krueger playable character is enough to pique my interest in the game. At least a little bit.

In honor of this announcement, I present to you a list, in no particular order, of notable video game crossover moments. These may be interesting, ridiculous, or a mixture of both.

This list does not include games completely devoted to crossovers or celebrities. Don't wonder why X-Men vs Street Fighter, Marvel vs. Capcom, Mortal Kombat vs. DC Universe, or even Celebrity Death Match isn't on the list. This list isn't complete either, so if I left some game out, I fully acknowledge that fact.

1. Soulcalibur II (2003) for Xbox and Gamecube

The Gamecube version of the title featured Nintendo icon, Link from the Legend of Zelda series, while the Xbox port's guest character was Todd McFarlane's popular comic book creation, Spawn.

Spawn seems like a suitable choice for a guest fighting game character, but Link isn't necessarily one of the first characters most players would choose to control. Link is, however, one of the most "realistic" characters in Nintendo's arsenal, so if Nintendo and Soulcalibur's developers were intent on including a Nintendo character, then Link is one of the most logical choices.

This wouldn't be the last time that the Soulcalibur series would include outside characters in their title in order to drum up interest in the franchise.

2. Soulcalibur IV for Playstation 3 and Xbox 360

This time around Soulcalibur made a bold decision to contact George Lucas about including characters from the Star Wars universe in their game. Including the Secret Apprentice from the Star Wars: The Force Unleashed is one thing, but these games featured Darth Vader and Yoda.

Star Wars fans didn't like it. Soulcalibur fans didn't like it. But, it's still pretty cool.

3. Clayfighter 63 1/3 (1997) for N64

Earthworm Jim was a character in the '90s who achieved a high level of popularity inside and outside of the video game community. Cartoons, comics, action figures, Earthworm Jim was a character that was poised to reach Mario and Sonic levels of popularity…until the character just went away.

Not only was Earthworm Jim featured in this game, but also another outside '90s creation called Boogerman, who flicked boogers and propelled himself by farting. Boogerman was cast in the game as Jim's arch-enemy. Ah, the '90s. Nostalgia.

4. WWF Smackdown! Just Bring It (2001) and Fight Club (2004)

Fred Durst. He was in Smackdown because the Undertaker used to use Limp Bizkit's "Rollin'" as entrance music. He was in Fight Club because….I'm not sure why he was in it. But it gives you the opportunity to destroy something beautiful. Or at least Fred Durst.

5. UFC Undisputed 2010

Shaquille O' Neal as a hidden fighter in an MMA game? Shaq has trained in MMA for a few years, so…this…is…an…obvious….crossover? But would an MMA rather play as Rampage Jackson or Shaq.

6. Punch Out!! for Wii

The original game for the Nintendo featured Mike Tyson as the champion or final boss. Tyson was one of the first celebrities, athletes or otherwise, to lend their likeness to a high profile video game.

Twelve years later, using Mike Tyson as a final boss is neither financially or commercially viable. So, who would be it? Who would be the seemingly unbeatable opponent that Little Mac has to defeat?

Donkey Kong. Ugh.

7. Call of Duty: Black Ops

In a very cool (at least in my opinion) crossover moment, the downloadable Escalation Zombie map includes well-known actors who made their living playing cult characters in supernatural settings against hordes of zombies.

Sarah Michelle Gellar (Buffy the Vampire Slayer), Danny Trejo (Machete), Robert Englund (Freddy Krueger), and Michael Rooker (Merle from "The Walking Dead"). Not only that, but the "father" of the zombie movies, George Romero makes an appearance as an enemy in the map.

8. Madden NFL 11

Guiding your favorite team to a Super Bowl victory has always been the goal, but the reward has always seemed underwhelming. This version enhances the post game celebrations with award presentations, parades, and a visit to the White House to meet President Obama. A president has never made an appearance in a Madden game before, but this crossover seems like a natural fit for a president who is a known sports fanatic.

'Face/Off' - The Quest to Purify My Pop Culture Soul, vol. 21

Posted by Miserable Retail Slave on July 21, 2011 at 6:19 PM

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by RFP

The Quest to Purify My Pop Culture Soul, vol. 21

"Face/Off"

Starring John Travolta and Nicolas Cage

Movies are nothing if not a reflection of the human condition, specifically the desires, fears and ambitious that all human beings feel at some point in their lives. There's not a person alive that hasn't felt the burning embers of envy toward another person's lifestyle. It could be money, property, significant other, education, body type, or career, but at some point we all experience the desire or wish to obtain something that someone else possesses.

There is an entire subsection of film devoted to the pursuit of becoming someone else. This subsection can be divided down into three categories.

1. The Pursuit of/ Regression of Age. This involves the main character regaining lost youth or gaining years overnight. (ex: Big; 13 Going on 30; The Kid; 17 Again)

2. Life Swapping. In this situation, Character A gains the appearance of Character B, and vice versa, so that each character experiences the other's life. The most popular version of this is the parent/child life swap. (ex: Freaky Friday - 1976 and 2003; Like Father, Like Son; The Change-Up; The Hot Chick)

3. The Gender Bender. Man becomes woman, woman becomes man. Whereas the first two categories are achieved via supernatural means (a mysterious game, a wishing well, etc), the characters in this category usually dress up like their gender opposite in order to obtain a particular goal. (ex: Mrs. Doubtfire; She's the Man; Tootsie; Some Like It Hot; Sorority Boys; White Chicks; Big Momma's House)

Face/Off clearly lies in the number two category, although the life swapping procedure isn't done via supernatural methods, but with the scientific method of lopping faces off and sewing them back on.

Squandering the gift of a career revival that was given to him via Tarantino's Pulp Fiction, John Travolta stars as FBI agent, Sean Archer. Archer's sole obsession is to take down notorious terrorist, Castor Troy (Nicolas Cage).

The obsession is personal as years earlier, a mustachioed Cage attempted to assassinate Travolta, but accidentally killed the FBI agent's young son instead.

Six years later, Archer finally corners Castor Troy. Nicolas Cage plays Troy with equal parts ham, overacting, and glee. His hammy flourishes tend to embellish otherwise ridiculous dialogue. In a less dedicated actor's hands, lines such as "I'm about to unleash the Biblical plague that 'Hell-A' deserves" might fall completely flat.

After Archer's confrontation with Troy leave the terrorist in a coma, Sean believes his family can move and the memory of his lost son will finally be able to rest in peace. Unfortunately, the FBI discovers that Troy left a chemical weapon bomb somewhere in a populous area of Los Angeles. The FBI's bright idea: to have Archer infiltrate Troy's crew to find out where the bomb is hidden.

Let me say right now that the movie is an enjoyable summer popcorn action flick. I didn't hate this movie. But....the key plot point of Face/Off is pretty stupid.

In order to get in tight with Troy's crew, specifically his brother, Pollux, the FBI wants Sean to impersonate Castor Troy. But they don't want him to do it with elaborate make-up. They don't want him to play the part of some long lost friend. Nope, they want him to be Castor Troy by wearing his face like a hunter would wear the pelt of the coyote he just killed.

So while Castor is in a coma, they plan on cutting off his face and putting it on Sean's head. To do that, they have to cut off Archer's face and let it float in a jar of liquid until Archer can get the info they need. When he's done, they will just swap the faces back out. No problem.

The new Sean Archer, wearing a Nicolas Cage face, is put into a special prison where the inmates wear heavy metal boots and the floors are magnetized, so that he can get close to Pollux. Meanwhile, Castor Troy wakes up and completely flips out because, y'know, he doesn't have a fucking face.

He forces the doctors to put Archer's mug over his faceless meat and kills them all to destroy any evidence that this procedure ever happened. That's when the shenanigans start to begin. Castor starts to use his newfound Danny Zuko face to take over Archer's life. Archer must escape from jail and convince the world that he's the real Sean Archer.

Has Some Part of My Pop Culture Soul Been Saved By Watching This Movie? Yes. There are plenty of ridiculous moments in this movie, but it still is a lot of fun. I already mentioned how I thought the face transplant idea as a viable option for going undercover was an idiotic plot device.

Other cringe-worthy moments include the repeated use of the movie's title by a drug addled Cage-Archer, who is trying to fit in with Castor's old gang. "I want to take his face....off. Eyes, nose, skin, teeth. It's coming off." Someone needs to tell the screenwriter that "teeth" aren't part of a person's face. Yes, you can blame that slip on the fact that Cage's character is trippin' balls, but c'mon.

The gunfight in a church with white doves flying around and religious imagery/metaphors being tossed around was a bit much. The climatic battle on top of a moving speedboat that just happens to avoid numerous piers and docks before running aground, flipping up, and exploding was the sort of dumb action that make certain critics cringe when they watch these types of films.

Also, Sean Archer (Travolta) has this annoying character trait of swiping his hand over the faces of people that he loves. Get your filthy paws off my face, man.

One last complaint: the ending was a bit too tidy for my tastes. Not to ruin too much, but Archer ends up with his Travolta face back, his family's love, and a replacement son. Aw, happy endings.

Despite all the complaints, I did enjoy this flick. Cage and especially Travolta do a good job mimicking each other's mannerisms and speech patterns.

Saved or Failed: SAVED

The next attempt to redeem my pop culture soul happens next Friday.

If you have seen "Face/Off", your achievement badge "John Travolta's Floating Face" is below. Create a folder on your facebook page titled "Film Geek" and save the image to that folder. You'll be able to track your progress and show the world how geeky you really are.

-RFP

Judging a Magazine by Its Cover

Posted by Miserable Retail Slave on July 14, 2011 at 7:21 PM

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by RFP

Recently, Shia LeBeouf responded in the affirmative when a writer asked him if he had hooked up with Megan Fox on the set of the Transformers.

Details magazine, which featured LeBeouf on the cover of its latest issue, had no idea they would get such a mouth-watering revelation when they decided to throw the Transformers star onto their cover.

They were just hoping that an actor featured in a big summer spectacle that a ton of people will see would be enough of a draw to persuade a fraction of those moviegoers to buy their magazine or check out their website.

They weren't expecting the extra notoriety that LeBeouf's big mouth would bring them. In fact, if LeBeouf had said "no" to that question, it wouldn't even been included in the article. But a "yes" to banging Megan Fox is certain to bring loads of extra clicks to their website.

There's no doubt LeBeouf did what any other man would have done. He screamed from the highest mountain that he could find that he had sex with Fox. While most guys are limited in their bragging rights to their circle of friends, LeBeouf has all of mainstream media to listen to his gloating.

The timing of this bombshell is a bit questionable, as is the fact that he did it in the first place. I find it hard to believe that LeBeouf had never been asked this question before. That the publicity generated by his claims happens to coincide with his summer blockbuster seems like a primary motivation to draw attention to himself.

Believe it or not, Megan Fox's questionable sex life (she had sex with that dork Shia, while possibly, maybe not dating current husband, Brian Austin Green) also benefits her career. Her career hasn't exactly been on fire lately. But this statement means that whenever Fox is set to star in a new movie, she will be paraded around on numerous magazine covers because everyone will want to interview her about her side of the story.

It's a common practice to have a controversial or polarizing figure on magazine. Controversy brings publicity brings sales. Comic books aren't immune to this practice either.

For example, last week's news that an upcoming issue of Savage Dragon will feature Osama bin Laden on the cover and in the story was clearly a cry for attention. You can make the argument that it's all in good fun or whatever, but make no mistake, the added attention of a green bin Laden on the cover will increase sales if not awareness of the comic.

The story revolves around Osama bin Laden raising from dead as a monstrous Godzilla-esque creature who has been created by a radiation spill over the spot in the ocean where bin Laden's body was laid to rest.

This isn't the first time that Erik Larsen, creator of Savage Dragon, has had prominent political figures on his covers. John Kerry, George W. Bush, and President Obama have all been seen sharing the cover with the title's hero. In fact, this isn't the first time that bin Laden has been on the cover. The last time, Obama was delivering a blow for freedom, punch Osama in the mush.

You can blame most of this on the effect that Barack Obama's appearance on the cover of The Amazing Spider-Man. That issue become the most financially successful comic of the year, primarily for the cover.

I guess the point of this rambling, incoherent mess of an article is that sometimes an object's (or person's, I guess) outward appearance is enough to sell a product, regardless of what's featured on the inside.

If you enjoy Shia LeBeouf saying dumb things, then you'll love Megan Fox saying dumb things. Click here to leer at pics of Megan Fox and read her wisdom.

-RFP

Footloose version 2011 Pieces of Eight

Posted by Miserable Retail Slave on June 23, 2011 at 10:33 PM

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by RFP

Welcome to Pieces of Hate Eight:

Eight numbered natterings, outrageous opines, and hypothetical hilarities about one specific pop culture target.

Today's bullseye: "Footloose" - version 2011

1. 'Footloose' is a dated '80s relic with an A+ soundtrack and C- premise. To watch 'Footloose' is to follow the story of Ren McCormick (Kevin Bacon) as he rages against the leadership in the small town of Bomont, a regime spearheaded by the influential Reverend Moore (John Lithgow), a man whose influence successfully swayed the town into abolishing rock music and dancing of any kind.

Woe be to those who have an extra hitch in their step, a little flourish with their arms when they move.

This does not sit well with Ren because he just wants to dance, man. His limbs want to flail about in the air, his body wants to quiver and shake in rhythm with some boss rock n' roll tunes.

2. Honestly, I'm surprised that 'Footloose' wasn't taken out of the trash bin of forgotten pop culture sooner. '80s nostalgia and Hollywood remakes have become an important part of today's box office numbers. Because, y'know, original ideas and concepts are less marketable than an established "brand name", even one as antiquated as 'Footloose.'

3. The "Redemption Through Dance" genre of films has also become quite popular in recent years. Drawing wide-eyed teen girls and middle-aged housewives to the theaters through the use of the "hot" (insert an extra "t" if you're under the age of 17) leading man. His character can usually be described as the stereotypical bad boy -the coarse street tough with the clenched teeth, intense eyes, and washboard abs -that can only begin to show his emotions through the art of interpretive dance. Recent examples include: 'Step-Up' (1 - 3D); 'Stomp the Yard' (2007); Save the Last Dance (2001); Take the Lead (2006); 'You Got Served' (2004); 'Honey' (2000); Roll Bounce (2005); Dirty Dancing: Havana Nights (2004)

4. Based only on the trailer, I can deduce that: a) Julianne Hough, the female lead, is absolutely adorable and needs to break-up with that muppet-faced marionette, Ryan Seacrest and give me a call and b) the rationale behind the dance-ban in Bomont is flimsy at best. Three teens are killed in a crash coming home from a dance. So dancing is banned. Suppose a man was hit by a car after grabbing a Big Mac....would all McDonald's in the area be permanently shut down?

5. At some point during the film, Kevin Bacon will probably make a wry, knowing cameo. And the audience will laugh and nudge each other as Mr. Bacon makes a self-referential one-liner - A figurative wink at the fact that this man was Ren McCormick in an alternate universe.

6. "Footloose" (the song) as performed by Kenny Loggins will play during the movie at some point. Probably during the climatic dance sequence. However, it would not surprise me if the song is covered by a modern, more "relevant" artist as well. I could see the Black-Eyed Peas modernizing "Footloose", adding in blips, abundant autotune, nonsensical tempo changes and illiterate rap interludes. Oh, and how could I forget, a verse or two of Fergie howling her way through the lyrics. Basically, the same thing they did to Bill Medley and Jennifer Warnes' theme song from 'Dirty Dancing', "(I've Had) The Time of My Life".

So, yeah, "Footloose (Dirty Bit)" coming atcha.

7I get that dancing is banned in the town. That extends to bars and schools and any other social settings where random body movements are wont to occur.

But what happens if you want to unwind from a long day at work by popping "Just Dance" into your Wii home entertainment system and, forgetfully, you leave the curtains open. Just so happens, as your poppin' and lockin' to "U Can't Touch This", the local law enforcement officials

I'm sure the town officials would view an item titled "Just Dance" as a powerful piece of communist propaganda designed to get individuals to, gasp, dance. The offending person with the aforementioned inciting material would probably be sentenced to death-by-lethal-injection.

8. I hope they know what they've done. The floodgates are now open. By scraping up the dredge from the bottom of the '80s nostalgia barrel, more unworthy reboots, remakes, reimaginings will be coming our way. It's only a matter of time before someone thinks this is a brilliant idea and the world implodes from the horrific horrible horror that is Mannequin 2012. The Mayans knew it was gonna happen.

~RFP

'Reindeer Games' - The Bad, The Ugly, The Awful

Posted by Miserable Retail Slave on June 19, 2011 at 11:52 PM

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by RFP

The Bad, The Ugly, The Awful, vol. 6: The movie horrific.....

'Reindeer Games' starring Ben Affleck, Charlize Theron, Gary Senise

'Reindeer Games.'

It sounds like a claymation stop-motion Rankin-Bass Christmas special that's shown every holiday season in between 'A Charlie Brown Christmas' and 'Santa Claus is Comin' to Town'.

'Reindeer Games.'

It's a series of activities that the other reindeer in Santa's camp used to play, but they were so cruel that they wouldn't even let poor Rudolph participate.

'Reindeer Games.'

It's not a proper title for a supposed action flick starring big name actors that came out in February and was expected to decent business.

Miramax. The company that spearheaded the '90s indie revolution, producing high quality works of cinematic art. Intelligent, groundbreaking, fearless works of film that influenced scores of modern writers, directors, and actors. Reservoir Dogs, The Crying Game, Clerks, The Crow, Pulp Fiction, The Crossing Guard, Trainspotting, Flirting with Disaster, Swingers, Chasing Amy, The English Patient, Good Will Hunting, Jackie Brown, Rounders, Shakespeare in Love, etc.

As a quick aside, Ben Affleck was only 3 years removed from winning an Oscar with Matt Damon for Best Original Screenplay for 'Good Will Hunting' and two years from co-starring in the "Best Picture" nominated 'Shakespeare in Love.'

Why, Ben? Why do a movie called 'Reindeer Games'? It's the same phenomenon that causes Cuba Gooding to star in 'Boat Trip' Charlize Theron in 'Aeon Flux', and Adrian Brody in 'Splice.'

Personally, I thought for the longest time that the title of the film came from the last name of Ben Affleck's character. Like, John Reindeer or something. It's not that far-fetched. Movies are always creating contrived titles out of preposterous character surnames. See: Jason Bourne (Matt Damon) 'The Bourne Identity (Ultimatum/Supremacy)', Evelyn Salt (Angelina Jolie) in 'Salt', and Mathew Knight (Tom Cruise) in 'Knight and Day.' Or see the too-good-to-be-true real-life example of Chris Moneymaker, the accountant turned successful professional poker player.

I thought that my 'John Reindeer' theory held some weight based on the opening scenes of the movie which showed a bunch of potentially dead men dressed in full Santa Claus drag, lying prone in a snowy environment as Affleck's voiceover says, "To tell ya the truth, I was never much for holidays." A man named Reindeer who hates the holidays. Perfect.

Unfortunately, I was completely wrong. Affleck's character is named Rudy Duncan, a convicted car thief who's held in a jail in Iron Mountain, Michigan.

(Since I rambled for, like, 1,000 words on the title of this flick, I should probably mention where it ACTUALLY comes from. It's lifted from a line of dialogue from Gary Senise to Ben Affleck, a line he admirably delivers through clench teeth and with a straight face: "I read your letters, convict. Don't play no reindeer games with me." That's why I spotlight these movies. Their existence proves ANYONE can write a screenplay.)

Duncan's best friend in the clink is Nick, who has developed a romantic relationship via letters to a beautiful woman on the outside named Ashley (Charlize Theron). When they are set to be released in a few days, Ashley is supposed to be waiting to pick up Nick.

When Nick is apparently killed in a prison riot, Rudy masquerades as Nick in order to get some sweet, sweet loving. He's been in jail a long time after all. Rudy discovers that this a pretty sweet set-up. He looks like Ben Affleck, he has wild, acrobatic sex with a woman who looks like Charlize Theron, and she pays for everything.

One day when Rudy walks into their hotel room, expecting to have some more sex, he is greeted with a baseball bat to the gut and a group of men waiting for him. That will kill the mood.

It's Ashley's brother, Gabriel (Gary Senise), who has learned through Ashley's correspondence that Nick used to work at a casino. Since he believes Rudy to be Nick, Rudy is dragged along to help them rob the casino. While dressed as a gang of Santas in order to provide a distraction.

The plot takes some "clever" twists and turns as the gang of Santas try to successfully rob the casino and Rudy tries to escape from these psychopaths. Plus, Ashton Kutcher shows up and almost gets his ass kicked as a version of his Kelso character from "That 70's Show."

The Verdict: UGLY

The twists and turns in the plot feel contrived and completely unnecessary. There isn't a single likeable character in this film. Do you really want to root for Ben Affleck's ex-convict character who pretends to be his dead best friend and steals his girlfriend? The only redeemable quality that this movie has is some Charlize Theron nudity. If you're into that sort of thing.

Best line in the film:

"You wanna hear about some job of mine. I want some goddamn hot chocolate and some fucking pecan pie" - Rudy Duncan (Ben Affleck) who is hungry for pie.'

~RFP

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'The Wizard' - The Quest to Purify My Pop Culture Soul, vol. 20

Posted by Miserable Retail Slave on June 8, 2011 at 9:38 PM

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by RFP

The Quest to Purify My Pop Culture Soul, vol. 20

'The Wizard'

starring Fred Savage, Jenny Lewis, Christian Slater, Beau Bridges

It was one of the biggest events to happen in my life up to that point. I was in 3rd grade and my entire school was abuzz about the upcoming weekend.

It wasn't one of those epic skating parties that the school regularly held at the appropriately named "Skateland".

"TGIF", Friday's "must-see" line-up of safe family comedies, Full House, Perfect Strangers, and Family Matters, was usually a promising topic of conversation every Monday morning at school, but this particular weekend wasn't that special. And the epic Hulk Hogan/Ultimate Warrior Wrestlemania match-up that would divide an entire class was still several months away.

The reason that everyone was excited for the weekend was the world premiere of The Wizard starring Fred Savage. It had zero to do with the fact that Fred Savage was in it and everything to do with the fact that the world's first look at Super Mario Bros. 3 was rumored to take place within the storyline of the movie.

In theory, this was an excellent marketing tool by the producers of 'The Wizard'. I'm here to testify that there wasn't much more important to an 8-year old boy than his Nintendo and, by extension, Mario. Then again, I wonder what came first: the story of 'The Wizard' or the idea to create a long-form advertisement promoting Nintendo products and giving a first-look teaser of the upcoming Super Mario Bros. 3.

At any rate, everyone was stoked about the movie coming out and everyone in my class was talking about it, but only one person ended up going during opening weekend. Apparently, that was the case all across America because the flick only made around $15 million at the box office, according to that ever reliable source of info, wikipedia.

The one kid did go, however, was a celebrity for a day because a small magazine previewing the Super Mario 3 was passed out during opening night at the theater he went to. It was passed around the class and read under desks and underneath folded arms all day. We were seeing amazing things, things we had never seen before in a game. It was like a Playboy for 8 year olds.

I was only able to see the movie when it was released on VHS. I remember it being everything I had hoped it would be. It was kids leaving home (WITHOUT THEIR PARENTS) and going on this road trip to California to play video games. Plus, Fred Savage kissed a girl, which was an intriguing, yet not altogether strange concept for my 9 year old brain to comprehend.

The story begins as Corey (Fred Savage) breaks his autistic brother, Jimmy, out of a mental asylum to take him on a trip to California. "California", being the only word that Jimmy has said since he shut down after his twin sister drowned. Corey and Jimmy's father and brother (Beau Bridges and Christian Slater) chase after the boys and try to get to him, for some reason, before a guy that Jimmy's mother hired finds them.

Along the way, they meet up with a sassy red-head named Haley (Jenny Lewis) and discover that Jimmy kills at Double Dragon (50,000! You got 50,000 points on Double Dragon!), destroying high scores like they never existed. Haley convinces them to go to "Video Armageddon", a video game competition for the best players in the country.

In the meantime, the boys and Haley train on various games and sleep in a junkyard. It's a new generation's version of THe Hustler and The Color of Money as Corey puts Jimmy up to hustling grown-ups for money in bouts of competitive gaming.

It's all fun and games until Lucas, the town video game champ, gets wind of Jimmy's prowess. He challenges Jimmy to a match.

Lucas becomes the town's resident badass the moment he straps on the Nintendo Power Glove and it's on...shit gets real.

At any rate, Lucas becomes Jimmy and Corey's unofficial arch enemy. The video game competition is attended. Tears are shed, hugs are swapped. Hearts are warmed. But the most important thing is that the world gets to see Super Mario Bros. 3, which, 20 something years later isn't that impressive.

Has some part of my pop culture soul been saved by re-visiting this movie?

Watching The Wizard all these years later, it's clear that the film is nothing more than an extended commercial for Nintendo. Maybe that wasn't the original intent while the script was being written or the movie was being produced, but that's certainly what it became.

It's a simple, coming-of-age type story that may have appealed to the kids of my generation, but would probably be lost on any subsequent generation.

Nearly everyone who appeared in this film went on (or continued) to have prolific careers, with the exception of the actor who played Lucas, the cardboard cut-out, stereotypical teenage badass of the time. The kid with the attitude, torn jeans and carefully feathered hair that plagued the less popular kids in every teen-oriented film from 1985-1993.

Fred Savage went on to make sweet love to Winnie Cooper, have a mole poked by Mini Me, and became a director on It's Always Sunny In Philadelphia.

Jenny Lewis went on to have a successful indie rock career, both solo and with Rilo Kiley and Jenny & Johnny.

Luke Edwards who played Jimmy went on to become a character actor in a hundred different movies and TV shows.

Beau Bridges continued to have a more talented younger brother, Jeff.

Christian Slater continued to squint his eyes and have a nasally voice all throughout '90s cinema.

SAVED OR FAILED: FAILED

Next time: The Crying Game

if you have seen The Wizard, your achievement badge is below. Create a folder on your facebook page titled "Film Geek" and save the image to that folder. You'll be able to track you progress and show the world how geeky you really are. the world how geeky you really are.

-RFP

Miserable Retail Slave

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'Fright Night' - The Quest to Purify My Pop Culture Soul, vol. 22

Freddy Krueger in Mortal Kombat 9 and other Video Game Crossovers

'Face/Off' - The Quest to Purify My Pop Culture Soul, vol. 21

Judging a Magazine by Its Cover

Footloose version 2011 Pieces of Eight

by RFP

So, yeah, "Footloose (Dirty Bit)" coming atcha.

'Reindeer Games' - The Bad, The Ugly, The Awful

'The Wizard' - The Quest to Purify My Pop Culture Soul, vol. 20

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