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Online Dating Alert
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by Josh
I bring before you readers my contribution to the world, to my fellow man, and to MRS. Hours of painstaking research on various online dating websites have been spent on my behalf, and where I found pain, you male readers will find gain.
I’d like to believe that there’s readers out there that are socially inept, or just don’t like the idea of going to a club to meet girls. Some of you might have resorted to dating profiles. Well, this is your lucky day. And yours. And yes, especially yours.
This is going to be an ongoing mini-series based on my observations and experiences: in other words, some of you guys may be out there, surfing cyberspace for some kind of connection for the opposite sex. Some of you guys may not know what you’re looking for, some know exactly what you’re looking for. Some just don’t know how to interpret signs that things may be destined to fail, or just don’t care. If I still have you, here’s the first of however many more of these I feel like dropping on an unsuspecting world.
Ladies, if you see this and take offense to anything, please take it all with a grain of salt. I admit bias in some areas, but some of this is to be taken with some humor in mind. Perhaps, if you’re guilty of these things I list, maybe it might provide an extra perspective upon signing in again, eh? Or maybe I’m an asshole. Flip a coin.
So, in the face of impossible demands and standards, ladies and gentlemen, I give you Online Dating Alert.
-Josh
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Online Dating Alert 1: Common Taglines -by Josh
The first in my attempts to save unlucky punks lies in…THE TAGLINES..
Often, a tagline is the first “in” one has for prospective viewers, almost as important as the picture. Messages and profiles will be viewed second. While there might not be a whole lot that can be done about your face, there’s a brilliant opportunity to showcase some wit. Unfortunately, other people use this area as a place to show their flaws. Luckily for you, information can be gleamed even from this little blurb of a profile.
Upon surfing random profiles of girls within a 100 mile radius, I find these kinds of taglines in order to “entice” a would-be date to read their profile:
1. “Looking for a REAL man”, or some variant
Okay, I’ll give them this one. This is cyberspace, and there’s no way that anyone can truly know that whoever one’s talking to is a real human being and not a serial killer or rapist. But upon further investigation, this isn’t the case. Early 00s saw a spike in internet predators, and we saw Chris Hansen and others pursue sex predators, and watched stories like Megan Meier invade CNN like a new fad.
But wait! This isn’t what they’re talking about at all. These women are referring to “REAL men” as “the inverse of boy”. In other words, every woman placing this as a tagline believes that most of these people online are boys.
What kind of bullshit is that? These people are placing an ultimatum on arguably 80% of every guy on here. What is a man, really? Someone who doesn’t make mistakes? Someone who’s already learned what they have to learn in order to make his partner happy? Emotional maturity? What is it?
I realize I’m being rhetorical, but what is a man?
2. “Redneck Romeo” or some variant
Let’s see what we have here. “Romeo”; that’s a name from a Shakespearean character. I think those of us who are on this website are familiar with Romeo and Juliet. Most American women would see Romeo as an extremely romantic character; he does anything and everything he can for the sake of the love of his life, Juliet. Hell, Taylor Swift sung a song based loosely on this kind of thing.
“Redneck”, on the other hand, is a term used in a derogatory way to describe rural people who might not have access to education or wealth. Lately, songs from artists like Gretchen Wilson (“Redneck Woman”
and programs like “Blue Collar Comedy Tour” have forced Americans to see redneck as a legitimate subculture, and as such, broke it into mainstream. Today, redneck can mean anything within the confines of items and slogans, like “Country Boy Cadillac” and “Git-R-Dun”.
and programs like “Blue Collar Comedy Tour” have forced Americans to see redneck as a legitimate subculture, and as such, broke it into mainstream. Today, redneck can mean anything within the confines of items and slogans, like “Country Boy Cadillac” and “Git-R-Dun”.The fusing of icons creates a massive contradiction. For example, Romeo came from immense privilege, and as the next in line to lead the Montague family, he could have it all. Rednecks have nothing, or at least, that’s what’s implied in the confines of the stereotype. A dependency on material things for identity versus Romeo’s rejection of everything to have the one thing he can’t have…how can this work?
The only connection I can make is that “Redneck Romeos” are poor and obsessive, which can lead to only one thing…divorce and alimony checks.
3. “Someone Worth My Time”, or other variants
I know what they’re trying to say here. I really do. No one wants to waste their time on these things, and it’s really embarrassing to fail hard in the opening conversations and subsequent dates. I know it, I’ve been there.
However, this kind of tagline just makes the female in question sound extremely pompous. Is anyone really worth any kind of time on cyberspace? A certain time investment is almost an unwritten rule when it comes to both talking on cyberspace and finally meeting the date in question. Who can really judge whether or not anyone is truly the Mr. Right/Ms. Right that they seem to be on the internet? A lack of will to invest time in anything simplifies the game of cyberlove into pick-and-choose, which is not the point at all.
4. “Someone Who Loves Me For Me”, or some variant
While a softer, more innocent declaration of desire probably shouldn’t be attacked, I think it bears examining.
“Loves Me For Me” is a condition that I think love should feature unconditionally. If two people of any sexual orientation or domestic arrangement are together, some kind of heartfelt connection exists already..
Revisiting the Romeo thing, these people are asking for someone to fall in love with them almost immediately based on pictures and profile poses. This is an extreme demand on any guy that may come across the profile, as no connection has been reached yet. In fact, communication likely hasn’t started yet.
This is a place that a guy should exercise extreme caution: someone who might want unconditional love in such a brash manner may have glaring flaws in their character that might’ve been dealbreakers for any number of potential dates preceding you. It could be as minute as a counting habit to something, like, say, overt discussion about rape and murder.
However, the person in question is demanding ubiquitous acceptance. You be the judge; I won’t say every case is the same. But it kind of makes you think when you see that tagline and read a profile filled with OCD-like demands in a man.
!!!!! - PROTIP: using the word “rape” in any context is never a good choice on cyberspace, even in jokes. - !!!!!
In closing, stay safe when reading up on those headlines. First impressions are very important, and if you’re unsure about what to write about yourself, simply BE yourself! Don’t cloy, and don’t be cliché; a catchy tagline might be the in you need to meet someone.
In Online Dating Alert 2, I’m hoping to tackle something either really cool or really embarrassing: photos! Also expect a bit of a math equation to arise…
-Josh
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