Miserable Retail Slave

by Paulie Walnuts

I’ve returned from the dead to talk about the Kate Middleton jelly bean.

For those who don’t know, this young lady is Prince William’s future bride. And, apparently, God is smiling down upon the soon-to-be princess.

The first sign that Middleton is the right choice for princess is her good looks. No one’sever heard of an ugly princess, have they? The second – and more important sign – comes in the form of a mango flavored jelly bean.

Any doubts of Prince William’s choice have since been disregarded. God works in mysterious ways, but his intentions are clear this time. “Take this bean,” he says. “Show it to the world. Spread the good news.”

“I saw her immediately,” Wesley Hosie said about discovering the relic. “She was literally lying there staring back at me.”

Imagine that. Imagine discovering Kate Middleton on top of your pile of jelly beans. Imagine then placing the immortal bean on eBay and setting a minimum bid of 500 pounds (or $815). God, surely, must be smiling upon Hosie, as well.

Personally, however, I’d much rather God gifted Kate Middleton to me on top of my bed than to the top of my jar of jelly beans. But that’s bollocks. Poppycock, if you will. I’m not a lucky English bloke with a thousand dollar jelly bean in my pocket. What a wanker, that Walnuts is. What an arsehole.